Good! Afternoon Puns

The mailman responded with, "And a good afternoon to you, Femalewoman!"

Rather than "Take care now, bye bye then!"

Konnichihuahua.

Hey guys, wanted to post some of my dad jokes from this week. If you guys like them I can post again periodically.

1. At a petting zoo, my 3-year old boy asks why the pony doesn't make noise. I tell him "because he's a little hoarse" (ok that might be an old one).

2. At the same petting zoo, my boy won't get off the display tractor when other kids want to use it. "Come on, don't be a de-tractor". Another kid is falling asleep on a different tractor. "That must be the dozer".

3. My infant son is about to flip over during tummy time but can't do it yet. When he missed his morning tummy time, my wife said he should make it up with extra time in the afternoon. I tell her "those are the roll-over minutes"

4. We are on a playdate at a friend's house, and his 3-year old spills open a teabag all over his bare feet. I say "guess he'll never have an alcohol problem". Friend asks "why not?". "Because he's a tea-toe-toller".

5. Buying vegetables at the grocery store, I tell my wife some of the lettuce varieties they're selling these days have been genetically edited. She asks "how do you know?" I tell her "they just taste CRISPR".

6. The rubber ducky in our bathtub has a stethoscope for some reason. My son asks if the stethoscope works. "No, that guy's a quack".

These are just the good ones, I probably told about 50 bad ones to get these. If you guys like them, happy to post more. Happy superb owl day!

My cousin and I are helping her 5 year old son set up his new hot wheels garage this afternoon (technically we were done setting it up, but spent the next hour playing with it because the garage was flippin sweet) when my adorable little cousin goes, “oh my goodness what was that?!?”

Me, not knowing what he was referring to but playing along, said, “what in tarnation!?!”

His response, “what in car-nation?!”

His mom and I cried laughing, but I don’t think he really appreciated how perfect it was!

Anyways, I’m still looking forward to the day I become a great dad(mom) and until then I’ll be practicing on my partner and feeling super accomplished with every eye roll.

Dad: "He's alive!!"

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

There once was a lumberjack who was known as the hardest working lumberjack in the woods. Old Doolittle Dawort Deigh had a reputation and the complete respect of his coworkers for nearly 60 years. As we all know, tough lumberjacks can’t have sissy names. So many years ago, as was the tradition in the woods, old Doolittle Dawort Deigh was saddled with a nickname and had become known as simply Do Dah.

One tragic afternoon, old Do Dah was working his trade when a tree happened to fall the wrong way. Poor old Do Dah was squished flatter than a lumberjack flapjack. His coworkers, distraught at the thought of breaking the news of Do Dah’s death to his elderly wife, decided that perhaps if bad news was presented in a somewhat good way, it might soften the blow.

So that afternoon, old Do Dah’s fellow lumberjacks gathered on the stoop of the now widowed Mrs. Deigh and hesitantly knocked on the door. It took a few minutes for the old widow to make it across the room to the door. Finally as the door creaked open, the chorus of lumberjacks launched into a rousing rendition of

♪ Guess who died in the woods today ♫ Do Dah, Do Dah. ♫ Guess who died in the woods today Old Do Dah Deigh. ♬

My Dad tells this story all the time. He goes into great detail about what we bought at the mall and what the pig looked like, just to make it more believable. It usually takes a good 20 minutes to tell the story, it's nearly impossible to keep a straight face.

Did I ever tell you about the time we hit a pig on the highway? We were driving home from the mall and all of a sudden, BAM, we hit a pig. We didn't know what to do. The car wasn't damaged and we couldn't see what happened to the pig, so we just drove home. That night, we get a phone call and it's the police. "Sir, were you driving on I85 this afternoon", the police officer says. "Yes, I was officer" "Did you know it's against the law to leave the scene after running over a farm animal? That will be a $500 fine", says the officer. "No sir I didn't know it was against the law. But I've got to ask, how did you know it was me that ran over the pig?" The police officer responds, "The pig squealed"

I picked up a head cold from my toddler and was worried about it progressing to something worse. Texted my doc, and he said to come in ASAP. That afternoon, he prescribed for me some cough meds, and a nasal steroid to help with the blockage.

I get home, and after putting the still-snotty kiddo to bed, my wife and I retreated to the boudoir to talk and relax. She wanted to know what Doc prescribed. She gave me the perfect setup for a dad joke.

Me: Oh, some pearls and codeine for the cough, and a steroid spray for my nose.

Wife: Where is it?

Me: (pointing at nose) It's right here in the middle of my face.

She laughed. Good thing we were far enough away we didn't wake up the kid.

This happened verbatim on Tuesday afternoon.

Discussing emergency surgery on my one month old son with the anesthesiologist. I said:

"I hope you have an alternate method for putting him to sleep. He isn't too good at counting back from 100 yet."

While the doctor got a good chuckle out of that my wife dropped her head into her hands and said "dadjokes. It's too soon for that crap."

It is never too soon for dadjokes!

It was a sunny afternoon in the city, and a 29 foot Amazonian Anaconda slithered into a hipster burger store. The snake slithered up to the counter and looked over the menu to find that everything was gluten free. The anaconda was disappointed, because he always found that the light fluffy bread on each end of his burger was his favorite part of the burger.

The clerk greeted him with a smile. "Hello! My name is Hyun! Can I take your order?" he said.

The anaconda responded with a sentence so foul I cannot type it here. It contained several swear words and many racial slurs against his server, all because the burgers would be served without buns.

Hyun reeled back in disgust. He requested an apology from the snake. Again, the anaconda belted out horrible curses and vulgarities.

Hyun, being the good Christian man that he is, said that he would call upon his good friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism on the snake if he didn't leave. The snake finally slithered out upon hearing this.

About an hour later, the anaconda slithered back in with his owner. They approached the counter.

"Now what seems to be the problem here?" Said the anaconda's owner.

"This snake came in swearing up a storm and causing all kind of trouble all because we don't serve gluten in this restaurant" said Hyun.

"I threatened to call my friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism if he didn't leave."

"Oh" said the anaconda's owner "Sorry about that. My Anaconda don't want nun unless you got buns, Hyun".

My dad answers the door and one of the missionaries says, "Good afternoon sir. I am Elder Mike and this is Elder James and we were wondering if you had a few moments to talk about the good news of Jesus Christ." My dad replies, "Wow! I had no idea Elder was such a common name!"

We were at a grocery store when I was around 16. He bought some groceries and let me pick out a couple of gaming magazines. We got to the register and here is the quick exchange.

Cashier, "Good afternoon! How are you today?"

Dad, "Very good and yourself?"

Cashier, "Good thank you. Are you guys together?"

Dad, "That's disgusting. He's my son!"

The cashier literally looked in horror at my dad. Although it definitely was groan worthy, the reaction made us both laugh. I'll definitely be using this when I have kids.

A few weeks ago my wife and I were at a festival called "The Banjo-b-que Fest". On Saturday afternoon we stopped at a convenience store and upon noticing my concert wristband the clerk gave me a smirk and asked "How's the festival, did you eat any good banjos while you were there?" I replied, " I tried one, a bit stringy for my tasty. " His smirk disappeared after that.

interviewer: when's a good time to get married?

kid: in the afternoon

One afternoon mum was talking about how one of our two pet ducks was missing, Dad's response:

Oh no! That's not good, maybe they got a Duck-vorce