I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
I was going to get a tattoo in Madrid, but the tattoo artist I wanted to go to got in trouble for making some anti government tattoo art, which was quite a surprise
No one expects the Spanish ink sedition
I was going to spend Friday night studying stinging polyps that spend major part of their lifetime attached to rocks at the bottom of the sea, but a couple pals wanted me to go bar hopping...
With friends like that, who needs anemones?
I am going to go to school to become a marine biologist at age 55...
I know it sounds fishy, but I really think it will help to be less crabby, get out out of my shell, and have a porpoise in life.
After all, the world is my oyster!
I was going to go on a double date the other day.
But in the end I couldn't find three other people to go with.
A couple who were potheads were going through a divorce and had to go to court to fight for their child
The judge awarded the parents joint custody of the child
What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.
I was going to go into a long explanation of how to access an ATM machine but...
...let's put a pin in that for a moment.
When Hurricane Harvey hit I made a few jokes that didn't go over well. So for this hurricane, Irma not going to do that.
Me: Dad, I'm going to go take a shower now.
Dad: Make sure to put it back when you're done.
I'm going to make a great dad, Pokemon Go edition.
I just hit my girlfriend with this (http://imgur.com/noziMVQ).
Me: "Ahhh there's a lure going at Antico's!" (local pizza place)
Her: "I want a lure"
Me: "Don't worry babe you definitely have allure"
Her: "silence"
I was going to go picking crab apples with a friend
When we go to our location, we noticed all the apples were rotten. The first thing to come out my mouth was "Well, I guess our plan didn't come to fruition"
Was going to do a COVID joke...
If you want to weigh a whale you take it to a whale weigh station. So where do you go if you want to weigh a pie?
Somewheeere over the rainbow...
This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’
I said: ‘Is that a fret?'
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"
"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."
I was going to put a Chemistry joke on here but...
A priest, A Baptist minister, and a rabbit go into a red cross to donate blood. The nurse asks "What is your blood type"?
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O"
What is a cow's favorite place to go to?
Going to a rock concert is a near-deaf experience
Where do astronauts go to unwind after a hard day's work?
I got a girlfriend by pretending that I play football. My friends don't think it's going to last but I don't worry.
She thinks that I'm a keeper.
My brother used to go with a undercover cop called Ivy.
She turned out to be a plant.
I’ve trained my dog to go and fetch me a bottle of wine.
Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...
but it does give me paws.
A cow, a chicken and a pig go to Mac Donalds.
A fisherman came to me telling me he had just reeled in the biggest fish hes ever seen, and that he was going to give it to me for free.
I asked him, 'whats the catch?'
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me...
...not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why I’m not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
“You just haven’t been cutting it lately.”
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Where do mudskippers go when they need to make a deposit?
Where does a sheep go to have his haircut ?
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent.
I’ll be here all day
If a person doesn’t have to go to prison but has to see an officer every two weeks...
Do they have a probationship?
I told my wife I was going to build a car out of spaghetti
Should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
A locksmith had to go to court to give evidence last week.
Apparently he was the key witness.
Stolen from dad jokes.
My kid told me he had a problem. He was afraid of the toilet, but really had to go poop.
I told him it'll work itself out.
What was the last thing to go through a fly's mind as he hit the windshield?
My friend told me he's going to try to get a large group of wolves to separate from each other.
There's a lot to unpack there.
I’m going to open a KPOP themed discotheque....
.... and I’m going to call it, “Seoul Train”.
What do you call a friend who will even go for a walk with you in the rain to listen to your worries?
A rainbro
(Recommended soundtrack for this joke: Bob Marley: Sun is shining. You’ll see why)
I was wondering if I should go to work today, and then I saw some guys putting up a giant rectangle along the highway.
We got a new microwave at work. After heating my food for the first time in the new microwave I go to my colleagues and say to them "I just cut my fingers on the new microwave!"
They all startled "what happened?"
I reply "it's Sharp!"
They murmured something and left the room...
I was going to tell you a joke about trees...
Mike Tyson is going to be the host of a reboot of Pimp my ride.
It will be called Cus-tom auto.
For the first time in 6 months, it was warm enough to go outside in just a t-shirt today.
I probably should have worn pants, too.
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
Walking around the mall with my daughter and we decided to go down a level. She expressed disappointment the elevator was broken,
I told her, " The escalator is just like an elevator but with extra steps."
I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...
Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.
I was so proud.
I'm going to start a yacht building business in my attic
Sails should go through the roof
I was going to tell you a funny joke, but it got
What’s the difference between someone going to prison and a guy who has a mobile knife sharpening business?
One gets incarcerated, the other is in-car-serrated
I was going to add a pun here but can't think of any right now
I was going to tell you a time traveling joke
I'm going to make a website that is just videos and pictures of trains and trolleys.
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
Was in a bar when this guy said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!” I shot back...
"Dad, I'm going to take a shower"
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