Go Professional Puns

Because they pause but they don’t stop

But he blocked my punch line

I had some big shoes to fill.

I had to go to court and was wearing a suit and tie. My 10 year old daughter thought this was fantastic for dress up was very interested. I took this as a teachable moment and wanted to tell her about showing respect for your personal appearance and showing up professionally. So I asked her, do you know why I dressed like this? She said to be professional. I said I want to show that I respect myself and I have respect for the court so I dressed accordingly. She laughed and said, "You mean you dressed acourtingly."

tl;dr

Daughter dad joked me about wearing a suit about dressing accourtingly

As a professional children's entertainer, finding the dad jokes thread has been a real blessing. I work mainly with children between the ages of four and eight, and, for obvious reasons, I need to keep my jokes clean. In my business, a groan is just as good as the laugh because it usually is accompanied by a smile!

I'm afraid I don't know who started it, but the "this paper says otherwise" is easily one of my favorites. I took the liberty of having 500 business cards that say "otherwise" on them. I use them in my performances in a variety of ways. If I see a dad after my show who looks like the type who might enjoy a good pun, I will go up to him and ask him if he thought the show was good. Inevitably he will say yes, and I'll tell him that "Unfortunately this card says otherwise." I then leave the dad with the card to use at his own behest.

Just wanted to give a big shout out and a big thank you to the Dad jokes community for inspiration. People ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm the Jimmy Fallon to five-year-olds. Thanks so much for contributing all you guys do!

Dad: "Hey I heard UPS and UFC were going to make a deal and let some UPS workers fight soon."

Me: "Uhhh... what? That makes no sense."

Dad: "No it does. I mean... the UPS guys are already professional boxers. It's only logical."

Ever since I told him I wanted to be a professional skier... well... It's just been going down hill from there.

I work as a salesman in a call center. We were going over some of the more interesting names we’ve seen and called. Without disclosing the last name my neighbor said oh, you haven’t heard of “Cytoplasm XXXXXXX”? I answered. The guy is a computer programmer who I’d imagine changed his name to that unless his parents are that cruel. I start rambling off “Cytoplasm?? Of all the organelles in a eukaryotic cell to name yourself you pick cytoplasm?! What about Golgi apparatus, or endoplasmic reticulum?” My manager chimes in “wow you memorized a lot from bio” I told her I went to college for science shit but “now here I am making phone calls as a professional, thanks college” to which my neighbor replies.... “I guess now you could say you’re a PROkaryote

Last night I had to go to my son's 6th grade band concert. He plays the trumpet. Most of the band, like my son, only started playing their instruments this year so the quality was far less than professional.

We walked out of the school together and he had a hop to his step feeling really proud. It was a shame to tell him that I could barely see him let alone hear him by the squeaks and honks him and his classmates created.

I rubbed his hear and asked, "You play the trumpet, right son?"

He gave me a strange look. "You know I do, dad."

"So, you got to toot your own horn tonight, huh?'

His eye roll was worth it.

The nice part was being able to retell it to my older step daughter who giggled at my joke. A two for one!

My husband is a professional dadjoke, ask the kids. This morning we are stuck at home waiting for the dryer repairman to come "sometime between 9 and 5". Husband suggestion, lets go have sex, then either he will come or we will.

He was the cool guy teacher, so all the guys were always all buddy buddy with him. We would generally speak to him in a less professional manner. One day I said "hey teacher, I'm gonna go take a piss." To which he promptly responded, "You might want to leave one instead."

Just a few minutes ago, my graphic design professor was demonstrating how to use flash professional to the class. He started to make a shape and says, "so I'm just going to grab the ellipse tool and make a circle. I'm not going to have a stroke, well at least I hope not." classic.