...they just never deliver.
In fact it looks the same the father away you are.
I danced like no one was watching.
Violins.
Why are you Russian?
(Sorry ik it's not that good but I just made it up last night and I'm 14 so I don't really have the dad wisdom for these)
I regret you all equally.
It's a very mail dominated industry.
(Stolen from twitter)
It means they're preparing for a wurst käse scenario.
Because he was POLE LIGHT (very funny!!!)
You go on a head, i'll give these two a lift
The store assistant said "That isn't a lizard, it is a stand-up chameleon".
...but they're a solid number two
This was the first time my 9-month old baby says dadjoke in his own words. (DadGag)
I tell him it's important that we all do our Civic duty.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡We were getting married but a bit short of cash so I figured it would be hilarious to serve cereal at the main meal. The guests weren’t impressed. It was a bit of a Frostie reception
He's an absolute zero.
For alarming purposes
…counterproductive.
It’s called Shits and Giggles
Number 1
And number 2
The first one says “I smell sugar.” The second one says “I smell cinnamon.” The third says “I smell molasses.”
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
“Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
“Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
“Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
“Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
A man walks up to her and mournfully says, "Bargain."
She looks up and smiles and says, "Thank you. That means a great deal."
They have all the dough.
A: HOO HOO HOO!
(Yeah it’s bad but my kids thought it was funny. Merry Christmas!)
I’m not a very witty person, but a bartender was taking a cup to dish and she was like, “omg everybody look at this drink! Doesn’t it look so good?” (sarcastically) And it was whatever alcohol was in it and a juul pod package inside the cup
And I was like, “omg it’s a mint juulep” and everybody laughed even the owner of the company who was there. Felt very good.
I want it to be clear of how slow minded I am. It’s so bad that I will stop mid-sentence because I can’t come up with the right word. So for a joke to hit so well I just gotta thank you guys for encouraging me to make puns and be that funny guy at work❤️
Sometimes I'm "Pedestrian #4" and other times I'm "Man on bike".
Have you heard about the guy who invented the knock knock joke?
it is said that he won the no bell prize
I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over people’s head
But I butchered it.
The bartender, worried, asks him, "What's wrong? Why are you looking so down today?"
The man answers, "My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she would not talk to me for a month."
The bartender, confused, asks, "So, what's wrong with that?"
The man replies, "Tonight is the last day."
I can do it with my eyes closed
When it becomes apparent
He's a very lucky man. My wife is still alive.
