I told my wife I'm going to a grocery store, she asked: aren't you gonna tell me what for?
To which i replied: there's no thyme!
Yesterday l was concerned a door was unlocked. I texted my wife: could you please check all the doors for me. This was her response.
Robbie Krieger: check
Ray Manzarek: deceased
John Densmore: check
Jim Morrison: deceased
Went for an interview at a blacksmith’s yesterday and he asked me, “Are you any good at shoeing horses?” I answered...
“No, but I once told a donkey to get lost.”
My wife ask "what are you making me for dinner?"
My response: "disappointed."
Can you help me think of a name for a basket that is themed around a cooler and beach items?
[Real joke from real dad] I'm in the hospital on a liquid only diet for a long time, and my dad sends me: You know who else is on a liquid only diet?
Vampires! And for their whole life!
10/10 dad, my guy has reached peak fatherhood with that.
My 13yo son has been designing, building, and flying RC planes for a couple years now. His last one worked well until a catastrophic crash. Me: "Well, you make a better engineer than a pilot."
Son: "I only crashed once!"
Me: "Most pilots only get one crash..."
Son: "Yeah, fair point."
As a non-native speaker, I appreciate you guys for explaining me the word "many"
I was FINALLY able to open my shoe store for only large sized shoes and boy, let me tell you...
Do you think it's ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school?
Or am i a terrible teacher?
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?” I replied, “Yes please.” He continued, “No problem sir."
Thank you for giving me that book about sponges.
I found the material very absorbing.
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes; Me: I wish for a world without lawyers; Genie: Done, you have no more wishes; Me: But you said 3
Well, I ordered a limo for me and my friends this weekend. The limo finally arrived and the driver began to walk away from it. I ask “woah, hey, aren’t you supposed to be driving me?” And he was like “sorry, driver wasn’t covered in the price”
Welp, i spent 400 dollars on a limo and I have absolutely nothing to chauffeur it.
Take it as you will. But, as for myself, I don't give much of a *hoot*. It's all for the birds to me
People often ask me, "If you could only pick ONE thing, what's most important for good writing?"
My answer is always the same: speling.
Thank you for explaining to me how to completely rewire my house.
It was kind of revolting.
I had a piece of moss on my leg for like 20 minutes until my girlfriend noticed. She asked me, “Why do you have moss on your leg?”
I said, “Because I lichen you alot.”
It’s been an amazing Autumn for me and my family, but do you know who had a really great fall?
Hallow. Is it me you’re looking for?
Thank you for explaining translucent to me.
However, you weren’t completely clear.
As I was dropping my son off on his first day of school, he worriedly looked at me and asked, “How long do I have to go to school for?” Smiling, I responded, “Until you’re 18 buddy!" He nodded, thought about it for a bit and said...
“Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you?”
Thank you, student loan, for helping me through college
I don't think I can ever repay you.
A logger took his son to work the other day. The father went to look for a tree and the son stayed behind to practice his swing. The boy tripped and dinged the truck. His farther came back and saw the ding. He said "son, can you tell me what I'm looking at?". The son said,
Thank you for recommending that article on human evolution to me, but I can’t seem to find it online anywhere.
There must be a missing link.
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk, and if they have avocados get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replies, "They had avocados."
Thank you for offering to replace me in jumping over the grizzly.
But its my bear to cross.
My dad once told me, “If you ever meet a girl with a bad tattoo, she’s the one for you.”
“It shows that she can make a terrible decision but still stick to it.”
Husband: What's this massage course you've signed up for and why didn't you tell me?
Wife: I didn't want to talk. It's a touchy subject.
[For British dads] My wife asked me "have you seen the dog bowl?"
I said "no, but I saw the cat doing a great job as wicket-keeper!"
[sorry, joke probably only makes sense if you know cricket]
In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied..
That is what the beer was for.
Thank you for teaching me about audiobook encyclopedias.
My wife asked me, "Why do you eat grass for breakfast?".
I told her, "Sometimes I'm a little horse in the morning.".
Me: *buying groceries* Cashier: Do you want a box for that?
I’d rather not, I’m somewhat of a pacifist.
Thank you for teaching me about plats.
Thank you for explaining conditioners to me.
It really cleared up a lot of loose ends.
Doctor doctor, what can you give me for wind?
My dad said, “I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday…..”
“It looks like…..I’m going to live in the present.”
Teacher, you wouldn't punish me for something I didn't do, right?
That's great, because I didn't do my homework!!
Me to my nephew while playing. “I’m going to have to fire you for not keeping up.”
I’ll just call the fire truck, they’ll put me out!
Tell me a pun if someone says “you need to be tested for diabetes”
Pardon me but I live in France and am writing this by Google Translate. Thank my God for modern day technology. I am speaking French into my phone this moment and I get the English translation. Father, if you are reading this, I need to tell you about my true sexuality and why I have no girlfriend.
I was visiting my hillbilly relatives and they told me, in my honor, they’d be serving Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner….I said “sounds fancy and exotic, where did you get the rabbit?
Ma said it weren’t no big deal, “they found Himalayan on the road out front!”
Do you think that it's ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school?
Or am I just a really bad Teacher..?
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks: “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He said: “They had avocados.”
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