Visiting my parents for the first time since COVID. He has taken up cropdusting people and proclaiming, "Surprise health check." To make sure you can smell and/or taste still.
Sorry not a witty one-liner but peak of dad humor.
We went to a new market today for the first time. Dad was very impressed.
He said, “You’re telling me a flea runs this market?!”
What happened when Einstein smoked pot for the first time?
Mankind attained its highest form of intelligence.
I got to pour cement for the first time today.
The results were pretty concrete.
Have you heard the Lego store is open for the first time since the COVID shutdown?
They're lining up for blocks.
As a colorblind man, i thought i saw red for the first time
Turns out it was only a pigment of my imagination
I tried my wife's essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
Did I do this right? I tried to do a name pun for the first time
So I told my friend I was gonna watch Cars for the first time and he told me how it ends.
I always worry that when a woman sees me naked for the first time...
She’s going to scream and run out of the park.
My family ate thresher shark for the first time yesterday. My dad took a bite and said
Look at me!!! A man eating shark!!!
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?" Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
I cut my own hair for the first time the other day. At first, I thought I did a poor job of it...
...but it's really starting to grow on me.
What do cows do when they meet for the first time?
Give each other a milk shake.
How did the dagger feel after exercising for the first time in a long while?
I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
Watched a movie in 1440p for the first time yesterday.
It was my new year's resolution.
I experience winter for the first time in 26 years, and i have to say
I just had my chimney inspected for the first time.
They said it has the flu.
I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.
I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle
My son tried coffee for the first time today and said it tasted like dirt
I told him "It was just ground this morning."
Took my son to a ranch for the first time, he never heard a foal neigh before and thought it was sick.
I told him it was just a little horse.
A blind and deaf man listens to braille music for the first time.
He says: “This shit bumps!”
My son was making breakfast for the first time and he distraughtly asked me, "How do you stop the sausages from curling in the pan?!" I smiled and advised…
"Well son, just take away their little brooms."
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
Just seen a real bear claw for the first time ever,
Those donught shops been ripping me off for years
I just rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K for the first time?
A son and his father go fishing together for the first time.
Son: how do I catch a fish?
Dad: Easy, just throw this clickbait into the water.
Son: Got it, what’s next?
Dad: What happens next will shock you.
I tried an electronic powered oven for the first time the other day
For the first time in their lives.
All blind people can read in 2020
I went hunting for the first time ever last week.
The only thing I managed to shoot was a feral cat. Great shot though, tore the thing in half and the front half was nowhere to be seen. Filled with pride, I picked up the feline's hind quarters and thought I'd have a go at taxidermy to make a plaque for above the mantle. What a catastrophe.
Hear about the guy who tried autoerotic asphyxiation for the first time?
He said it was a noose sensation
If a new Dad manages to capture video of their child breastfeeding for the first time, is it okay for them to title that video
I had sex for the first time after a vasectomy
I didn't feel any vas deferens
I'm writing a musical about a redneck from Tulsa who discovers feminism for the first time.
I'm calling it Wokelahoma!
I was surprised when I lost my voice for the first time
My daughter made dessert for the first time
She wrote 3.14 on a sheet of paper and said "eat up"
I just slept on a memory foam mattress for the first time
it made a great first impression.
I saw a cow for the first time yesterday.
There it was in black and white!
What do you call it when you do something for the first time?
Peat. When you do it twice it is repeat.
I tried playing poker for the first time this weekend...
It turns out I’m not suited for it
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time...
The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"
"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
"Do you have a brother?"
"No."
After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
I went to the doctors for the first time in a while. He told me that I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass.
I told him that was just the tip of the iceberg
I had donkey meat for the first time.
I remember eating soup for the first time very well.
When seeing Wales for the first time, how should you plan your holiday?
A young-looking sea captain comes on deck to greet his crew for the first time and one man blurted out by accident, "He's a baby!"
The captain responded, "No shit, I used to be a seaman."
A husband sees his baby on the ultrasound for the first time...
The ultrasound technician asks what names they thought of.
The dad remarks "his name will be Miles. Kilometer for short."
My son just became a father for the first time today…
And in passing on the paternal torch, when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him…they were stored in my dadabase.…
I finally got to use this dad joke on my wife for the first time ever.
She hit her funny bone at a restaurant. I told her “That’s humerus.”
I watched 127 Hours for the first time last night
That movie was way shorter than I thought it would be.
If you're meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time, always wear a bright long-sleeved shirt, gloves and shorts.
You want them to think you're a keeper.
I tried Wookie meat for the first time.
Just saw the star of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend preform in London for the first and (maybe) only time.
It was a 'once in Bloom moon' experience.
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
Met my friend for the first time since high school today. He greeted me with 'ABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABAB'
The queen knighted a sea creature for the very first time.
For the first time ever, the Wisconsin State Fair has a competition where cattle draw maps.
It's the first annual Cowtography competition.
I went to a catholic church for the first time in years. The priest kept fielding questions from the large congregation, so I shouted out...
I delivered to a pet crematorium for the first time yesterday.
The place smelled like hotdogs.
I went camping for the first time last night, and finally understand why people love it so much...
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
After years of begging, my wife and I tried anal for the first time!
It was a little weird at first, but once she got used to the strap-on, it was everything I ever pegged it to be.
My Daughter Just Tried Peas for the first time
And I have to say she's not very hap-pea.
I Visited reddit for the first time.
I watched A Quiet Place for the first time
I let my kids taste coke for the first time...
... little shits blew the powder everywhere
I will be flying for the first time so I looked up different airlines. Can anyone tell me if I should go with this airline?
I had my photo taken professionally for the first time.
I hope they give it back.
Edit: it has been brought to my attention that this joke was in fact made in a thread that gave me the idea. So I must shoutout to u/i_make_dadjokes as the rightful owner. Sorry that I didn’t catch this earlier.
My wife had two crowns put on her teeth yesterday. She was complaining about the pain and the dentist gave her some medication for it. We are talking later and she said that she waited too long between the first and second pill and her teeth started to ache again. I asked her what time that was.
She said she didn't remember.
I asked her if it was around tooth hurty!
She got mad and hit me in the arm and stopped talking to me for a while.
Totally worth it.
I watched porn for the first time when i was 12
Before that, i had no fucking idea!
I just used my new cloning machine for the first time...
I'm beside myself at the results.
My blind friend took LSD for the first time today.
There was more tripping than usual.
Tried Indian food for the first time. They recommended the Chicken Pakora appetizer, but I was having none of it.
For me it was a Naan starter.
For the first time in history
The UK is probably going to see the end of May before the end of april
Went hunting for the first time recently and shot my first buck.
Poor guy was holding on for deer life.
I took my son on an elevator for the first time and he found it very uplifting.
The second time was, though, was a let down.
My wife checked this sub out for the first time and said, “I groaned at most of the jokes on here.”
I said, “Yes. They /r/dadjokes.
I made my friend try escargot for the first time.
I'm trying to get him out of his shell
When you see fake grass for the first time
What did the stormtrooper say when he went into a church for the first time?
Pew. Pew, pew, pew. Pew, Pew.
Pew.
For the first time ever, I put sliced sausage on my pizza.
It was the best wurst pizza I’ve ever eaten.
What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars for the first time in 4K?
The other day I went clubbing for the first time in years.
Went out, painted the ice red.
My wife apologized for the first time ever today!
She said she’s sorry she ever married me...
My husband (who is a dad) dad joked me over text message for the first time today.
Me: I turned Pandora off, but it is still playing and I would have to completely close all my school work tabs to shut the stupid thing down. Several songs later, and it still won't go away. ):|
Him: You have opened Pandora's Box.
Johnson met his grandfather for the first time
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher said that I should be tenor.
Ten or twenty feet away from her at all times.
What did the blind man say when he listened to Braille music for the first time?
I rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks until I can use my ankle again.
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher suggested that I should be tenor.
Ten or twelve feet away from her at all times.
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?" Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
I tried sausage for the first time today.
My son just became a father for the first time today and in passing on the paternal torch...
...when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him that they were stored in my dadabase.…
I just used my new cloning machine for the first time...
I'm beside myself at the results.
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