My friends and I bang on doors for a living
Itβs a hard knock life for us
π︎ 39
π
︎ Nov 18 2021
My friend managed to get himself stuck in some gorilla glue, flex tape and cooking oil. He called me asking for some help so I replied...
Sorry but I dont wanna get stuck in the middle of all this.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 11 2021
I finally got revenge on a friend for stealing one of my board games.
They took a Risk, but now they donβt have a Clue.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Aug 31 2021
My friend's daughter has been in 2nd grade for the last 3 years.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Nov 04 2021
My best friend is a gardener so I asked him if he'd build an overhead structure for my patio.
But I think he was distracted by bladder problems, because he kept asking: "Can I pee?"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 21 2021
My friend told me he'd got fired from his construction job for being too weak.
So I asked him if he put his too weak notice in.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 17 2021
Joke for my Utah friends: What do you call a pickle on Black Friday?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 27 2021
I gave my friend an elephant for his room
He said, "Thanks"
I said, "Don't mention it"
π︎ 33
π
︎ Oct 23 2021
My friend said that a pig cleaned his dishes for him the other day.
I told him "That's hogwash!"
π︎ 42
π
︎ Oct 23 2021
I gave my German friend a box of donuts for breakfast.
It was my way of wishing him a gluten Morgen.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 15 2021
My friend was feeling rushed and stressed about not having enough herbs for his cooking.
I told him about a substitution he could make and he was relieved, replying βthank you for the sage advice. I did not have enough thyme for thisβ
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 10 2021
my friend gave me a heater for my new apartment
It was a housewarming gift.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Oct 07 2021
I took my blind friend out for dinner.
He ordered the sea food..... It didn't help!
π︎ 17
π
︎ Sep 24 2021
My friend got arrested for something he didn't do!
He didn't run fast enough
π︎ 30
π
︎ Oct 01 2021
I declined my friend's invite for dinner at the local grill, but I instantly regretted it after she sent me photos of their huge portions.
It was a big missed steak.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Oct 05 2021
My friend Nick asked me for help on getting picked for the basketball team.
I told him to sit at the picnic table.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 20 2021
Iβve been asking my friends a lot what LGBT+ stands for
So far Iβve havenβt gotten a straight answer
π︎ 93
π
︎ Aug 04 2021
Im so happy for my friend who beat stage 4 cancer
Now he's entering stage 5.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 21 2021
I was scared when my goat herder friend Hans insisted on home births for his children but they were all born happy and healthy.
I guess German Shepards aren't such a dangerous breed after all!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 22 2021
I met my friend on the street and said βhey, look at the poodle I just got for my wife!β
He said βthat was a pretty good trade!β
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 20 2021
My friend suggested I register for organ donation
Sheβs a woman after my own heart.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Aug 07 2021
My friends at school said that if you sit on your hand for a while, it feels like somebody else is doing it.
But it still feels like I'm sitting on my hand.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 01 2021
My son asked me to split his shift for chores around the house into two separate parts of the day so he be with his friends, but I refuse.
I just donβt halve time for this.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Aug 24 2021
My friend just asked me if I had a free outlet for their phone
Unfortunately, I didn't. They all charge.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 15 2021
My friend said she found a touching story about a man who collected scrap metal for weeks to feed local stray cats.
I never knew cats ate scrap metal.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jul 24 2021
For some reason most of my friends didn't like it
π︎ 47
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said βgo for it!β
He went on to shout, βNo! Not the kryptonite!β
A little confused, I said βthatβs Superman.β
βThank you!β he laughed. βIβve been practicing a lot.β
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jun 18 2021
Texting my friend who is a caretaker for a 90-year-old blind woman. We are going to hang out later but she is currently helping her write sheet music.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Jun 27 2021
If you need prosthetic limbs for your children, I suggest going to my friend here.
His name is trex and he's a small arms dealer.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 19 2021
I have a go-to friend for all my question of a medical nature.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 22 2021
My friend's cousin is taking advantage of him and ask for his money all the time. He never gives anything back. I have been in the same situation before.
How can I tell him that he's not a loan?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 14 2021
My friend said he bought an engagement ring for his partner that's too big.
I don't know why he wants to get engaged if he's concerned about her size.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 20 2021
My friend works at an Indian restaurant. One day, he received an order for 25 meals to be delivered in an hour. An hour after he had completed delivery, the customer called to complain that a single meal wasn't spicy enough.
He forgot to curry the one.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 19 2021
Champagne for all my real friends
Real pain for all my sham friends
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 07 2021
π︎ 52
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
So I asked my friend to tell me what the Spanish word for "no" was.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 18 2021
My friend just bought a treadmill for his house
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jul 16 2021
My friend got me a cake for my cake day
He asked me what my favorite part of the day was and I replied βit was the icing on the cakeβ
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jun 04 2021
My friend was making a word scramble for a bunch of types of trees for his class.
He asked me if I could think of one for βoakβ trees.
I had to rush it but I still think it was βA-OKβ.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 27 2021
I asked my wife, "Honey, for Β£50,000, would you sleep with my best friend?"
She said, "Why, yes! But where am I going to get Β£50,000?"
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jun 21 2021
My friend had the opportunity to direct the second It movie. He cancelled the movie for unknown reasons.
I asked him if he cancelled the movie because heβs too nervous.
He said, βI did, I feel just awful about It Two.β
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 09 2021
One of my best friends made this for me for my birthday. I love it
π︎ 37
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
My friend who's at a high risk for breast cancer had a masectomy recently to prevent it
She said it's a huge weight off her chest
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 03 2021
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 03 2021
Itβs a sad day but my kitchenaid mixer motor has finally died. I couldnβt whisk for a batter friend.
π︎ 44
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
I finally got revenge on a friend for stealing one of my board games.
They took a Risk, but now they donβt have a Clue.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Sep 02 2021
I bought my friend an Elephant for her room...
She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it"
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jun 08 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
