We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
First time I’ve seen a real bobcat in the wild.
My first time doing puns in real life. Ik it's horrible
So today, I had a conversation with my friend while walking home from school. At one point my lace untied and he pointed that out to me while we were walking past a 7eleven. I am horrible at making puns so forgive me. I shall call him J
J: You u should tie up your shoes
Me(pointing to the lays packet in the store): I can't be bothered tying my shoe-lays
J: You should stop spread them all around the "play-se" (place)
Me: Well maybe you should stop lay-zing around and actually study(he couldn't reply to that cuz all he does is lay-ing around aimlessly. Haha! See what I did there!)
Conversation deviates
Me: come follow me to Cheers let's look for a giftcard
J: nah
Me: get your lay-z ass over to cheers u ungrateful bitch! u make my life lays miserables
The first time I used an elevator, it was kinda uplifting
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, I thought to myself,
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max
During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”
I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.
And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, ‘The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.
The first time I seen my Wife was at the local Zoo. Our eyes met..
..and I knew She was a Keeper.
This was my first time baking a cake for my son
I’ve been learning to barbecue and grill meats. Last night was the first time I tried to smoke a turkey.
It was awfully hard to get it into the pipe.
Meat Grown in Space for the First Time Ever
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
We went to a new market today for the first time. Dad was very impressed.
He said, “You’re telling me a flea runs this market?!”
Visiting my parents for the first time since COVID. He has taken up cropdusting people and proclaiming, "Surprise health check." To make sure you can smell and/or taste still.
Sorry not a witty one-liner but peak of dad humor.
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
I got to pour cement for the first time today.
The results were pretty concrete.
What happened when Einstein smoked pot for the first time?
Mankind attained its highest form of intelligence.
To further gender equality, I think it's time we have our first transgendered superheroes.
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time...
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...
I think I’ve really improved the delivery!
Have you heard the Lego store is open for the first time since the COVID shutdown?
They're lining up for blocks.
I tried my wife's essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
Did I do this right? I tried to do a name pun for the first time
As a colorblind man, i thought i saw red for the first time
Turns out it was only a pigment of my imagination
So I told my friend I was gonna watch Cars for the first time and he told me how it ends.
I always worry that when a woman sees me naked for the first time...
She’s going to scream and run out of the park.
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?" Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
My family ate thresher shark for the first time yesterday. My dad took a bite and said
Look at me!!! A man eating shark!!!
Doctors have a first time too
I was awed first time I saw the room full of computers and servers...
It was such a pristine LANscape.
When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. “When I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me.”...
“Wow!” I said. “Was it some big corporation?”
“No.” He replied, “I mowed the lawn in the cemetery.”
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
If you don't succeed the first time.....
Maybe parachuting isn't for you
I cut my own hair for the first time the other day. At first, I thought I did a poor job of it...
...but it's really starting to grow on me.
What do cows do when they meet for the first time?
Give each other a milk shake.
The first time Prince Charles went white water rafting, he threw up on himself when the river grew turbulent...
How did the dagger feel after exercising for the first time in a long while?
What did baby Yoda say the first time he saw himself in 4K?
I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
Watched a movie in 1440p for the first time yesterday.
It was my new year's resolution.
What are you happy to lose the first time, but devastated to lose a second time?
Teeth
Note: I know. Not the usual pun seen in this sub-reddit. More of a dad riddle.
I experience winter for the first time in 26 years, and i have to say
First time doing this please no bully
I just had my chimney inspected for the first time.
They said it has the flu.
I remember the first time I bolted two things together with metal fasteners.
That was a riveting experience.
Long time dad first time poster in need of some help from my fellow dad's in here. What is Snoop Dogg fishing for?
Fishizzle!
Here is what i need help with. I seen a some fishing gear with the name "fishizzle" and lighting struck! Has anyone heard this one before? Did I just make a OC dad joke? If so Is it "dad joke" worthy? I really hope so becuase I just sent this to my daughter.
Thanks in advance.
I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.
I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle
My son tried coffee for the first time today and said it tasted like dirt
I told him "It was just ground this morning."
I remember the first time I saw Kermit the Frog on Broadway...
Such a ribbit-ing performance.
Took my son to a ranch for the first time, he never heard a foal neigh before and thought it was sick.
I told him it was just a little horse.
The first time I saw a whit board I thought to myself
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
My son was making breakfast for the first time and he distraughtly asked me, "How do you stop the sausages from curling in the pan?!" I smiled and advised…
"Well son, just take away their little brooms."
A blind and deaf man listens to braille music for the first time.
He says: “This shit bumps!”
I used to own 3 ski lodges, one in the Alps, one in Aspen and one in France. When I got divorced the first 2 times, my exes each got a lodge as part of the settlement. The third marriage, I decided I needed a prenuptial agreement to cover my assets. It was all I could do!
It's my last resort!
Edit: changed "it was" to "it's"
A guy starts working at a submarine. In the first day he works as a cleaner, then helps at the kitchen. Next day he runs the ship. In the evening he’s absolutely exhausted so he asks his friend “Why I have to change my position every time?”
He replies “I know, this sub is full of reposts”
I just rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
Just seen a real bear claw for the first time ever,
Those donught shops been ripping me off for years
We were talking about reddit and how she doesn't use it. (First time posting here)
A son and his father go fishing together for the first time.
Son: how do I catch a fish?
Dad: Easy, just throw this clickbait into the water.
Son: Got it, what’s next?
Dad: What happens next will shock you.
I was drawing a zombie for my friend and wasn't sure how I would draw his eyes. First time posting here but hope this counts.
My first job was telling golfers how much time a scratch player should take to complete a hole on the golf course...
I tried an electronic powered oven for the first time the other day
For the first time in their lives.
All blind people can read in 2020
I went hunting for the first time ever last week.
The only thing I managed to shoot was a feral cat. Great shot though, tore the thing in half and the front half was nowhere to be seen. Filled with pride, I picked up the feline's hind quarters and thought I'd have a go at taxidermy to make a plaque for above the mantle. What a catastrophe.
Hear about the guy who tried autoerotic asphyxiation for the first time?
He said it was a noose sensation
If a new Dad manages to capture video of their child breastfeeding for the first time, is it okay for them to title that video
First time I plowed my garden, I noticed something shiny in one of the hunks of dirt. Upon rubbing it, I found the whole hunk of dirt was shiny on the inside! I repeated this on other hunks of dirt and each one was shiny on the inside! That made me realize...
Every clod has a silver lining.
I had sex for the first time after a vasectomy
I didn't feel any vas deferens
I'm writing a musical about a redneck from Tulsa who discovers feminism for the first time.
I'm calling it Wokelahoma!
I was thinking about the first time machine I ever built.
First time on this subreddit, does this count?
I was surprised when I lost my voice for the first time
"What was sex like the first time?" asked my son.
"I don't know. I'm neither Adam nor Eve."
My daughter made dessert for the first time
She wrote 3.14 on a sheet of paper and said "eat up"
I just slept on a memory foam mattress for the first time
it made a great first impression.
The first time i used an elevator it was an uplifting experience
But the second time it let me down
The first time I bought a universal remote control...
...I thought to myself "This changes everything."
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.
I thought to myself "Well, this changes everything"
The first time I used an elevator...
It was an uplifting experience, the next time it was a big let down
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
The first time I used an elevator..
Was a really uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience
The second time let me down
The first time I rode an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
The first time I ever used an elevator was a real uplifting experience.
The second time was a big let down!!!
My first time in an elevator was a very uplifting experience
The second time let me down
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher said that I should be tenor.
Ten or twenty feet away from her at all times.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K for the first time?
What did the blind man say when he listened to Braille music for the first time?
I rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks until I can use my ankle again.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience...
The second time let me down 🙁
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience
The second time let me down.
The first time I got a universal remote controller, I thought to myself...
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher suggested that I should be tenor.
Ten or twelve feet away from her at all times.
The first time I got a universal remote control
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
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