"No it's not, it's MUNday!" The apprentice has now become the master.
The native student answers “Cleveland”, much to the teacher’s chagrin. The Exchange student on the other hand, answers “It’s a bit late, but Gozaimasu!”
…free of charge.
So thats a turnip for the books.
I asked her, “Do those taste good??”
She replied, “No, but the taste is...compelling.”
So I shouted “THE POWER OF FRIES COMPELS YOU!!!”
How dare he? They have centimental value.
Inside jokes
Me: “This thing is going to be huge.”
Son: “Why? It’s only three floors high.”
Me: “Look at that elevator shaft! They’re going to build more on!”
Son: “Geez Dad, that’s a bit harsh.”
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄
Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲
Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree.
Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓
Me: Oooof
Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there
Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you?
Him: I wooden know about that
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”
“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”
“Batteries?” cried the wife.
“Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”
A dead giveaway.
My 14 year old daughter got up from the table after eating a bowl of cereal, so I told her to put the milk away. Then we had this exchange:
"Before you put that back in the fridge, why don't you plug it into the iPhone charger on the counter first?"
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Yeah, you gotta charge up that milk. It's only at one percent!"
I say it so often now that my kids stopped eating cereal, and have pretty much cut dairy from their diets.
"Dad, can I go swimming?"
"Not right now. Wait five or ten minutes."
"Ok, I choose five."
"... Fair enough."
I said He is a Home School Foreign Exchange Student.
Holding up a dry erase board with the number on it in Roman numerals XIX. Someone asked what number it was and he says: "oh whoops, I got it upside down", and he flips it over.
I don't remember what it's from, but I do remember that the scene involved a squad of soldiers with their sergeant coming across the enemy, and it went like this:
Sergeant: Fire at will!
Private: Uh, who's Will?
Sergeant: Just shoot, you idiot!
Forex Gold
I, for one, find it strange
Me: You just really ate to see it
In return I received a pasta dish.
For the first time in my life, I actually received a Penne for my thoughts
Daughter: "Hey Dad! Do you know what would be SO COOL?"
Me: "A frozen needle and string?"
Daughter: groans.. "You're IMPOSSIBLE"
Me: "No, no. I'm D-"
Daughter: "DAD. DAD. WE GET IT."
Me: "We Get It.... Is that a new Nintendo System?"
Daughter: . . . walks away
.
.
Stay Proud. Stay Dad.
It was a real marrython!
r/subsifellfor
I told him, "That's a little course"
Since you might be arrested for in-cider trading
I beg to differ...
I walked down the stairs to see my wife on the floor laying out a pattern to sew. Her butt was facing me and of course I was staring and going into the kitchen.
Her: Are you staring at my butt? Me: Yes. Her: I always sense when someone is doing that. Me: I guess that means you have the gift of hind sight huh?
Edit: spelling
So I went to the drug store and bought him the best Axe Scent money can buy!
After picking up my son from his friends I see that he came home with two new stuffed animals. I asked him how it happened and what the names of the new animals where.
"He wanted to trade for two of mine and he has these two whales I wanted."
"Do they have a name ?" I asked." And did anyone get hurt?"
" Nobody got hurt and they each have a tag on them and they just say Stuffing the Whale so I guess that is their name." He says as he makes whale noises from the back of the car.
"That seems like a great time. You got two whale the stuffing from your friend and nobody got hurt."
So that Kim Jong Un can still claim to have new clear weapons.
Going on a small excursion tomorrow and my brother asked to go with. Texted my aunt to tell her he wanted to be a girl scout cookie tomorrow and tag along. Her response.... Smore the marrier.
A smile!!! :)
But that’s also the only gift I can afford this year ....... what can I say, I’m a post-Renaissance man, baroque.
Happy holidays.
I honestly didn't expect so much Spanish Inquisition.
So my mom, my oldest sister, and her daughter where at mine and my wife’s house for the weekend.
After having all the lights out so my wife and niece could play with a Ouija board, my niece wanted to make a cup of hot cocoa in the kitchen but she could find the light switch. The following exchange occurred...
Niece: Where is the light in the kitchen? Me: On the ceiling. Niece: Ok, but how do you turn it on? Me: With a light switch. Niece: Where is the light switch? Me: On the wall. Niece: Which wall? Me: The one with the switch.
She’s a good sport tho. We where laughing, she was grinning but definitely done with my uncle shit.
8yo - Hey dad, knock knock
Me - who's there?
8yo - daddy boo
Me - daddy boo who?
8yo - awwww dad, don't cry, your life isn't that bad!
I just got dad-joked, hard!
She asked, "is this the highest point in Thailand?"
I replied, "i don't know, it's up there".
The glances exchanged in that moment were some of my fondest memories of that trip.
I hear the currant exchange rate is excellent.
My buddy and I were texting a few days ago. He was complaining about the power at his place being out again (relevant, he’s lost power a few times already this winter season). Our exchange went like this:
Him: How about electricity? Wind storm knocked ours out around noon.
Me: No electricity? That’s not shocking.
I couldn’t help myself.
Wife After belching loudly: I don't know where that came from.
Me: Your belly.
Wife: That's apparent.
Me: No you're apparent.
Commence with the sighs.
Threadit. :)
Dad: How is everyone this morning?
Me: Good, trying to figure out how to put holly outside to go potty, and not just stand at the back door and bark
Dad: Why are you barking at the back door while holly is pootying
Current sea
Ordering pizza.
Me: I got pizza for us Her: oh what kind? Me: buffalo chicken Her: omg i was just thinking about that! Me: you could say we are like lance bass and justin timberlake Her: ? Me: we're nsync Her: .....omg
I immediately left my Office and tried explaining myself. Sure, on the Surface I do it often, but I think it Works. It's not just about Word play, either; my Outlook on life helps me Excel. She and I have such a great Team Foundation, I Azure you. I wanted to Exchange my thoughts with her, so we could work with OneDrive. I looked her right in the Windows of her soul, to Access the deepest parts of her heart, and told her I loved her. Completely on Edge, I awaited her answer...
PowerPoint of the story is: does anyone know of a good divorce lawyer?
We were given bottles of water, and then someone came in late. I had finished mine and was about to throw my bottle away when she asks "where's my water bottle?"
So I hand her my empty bottle. She looks at it and says "what da hell is this?"
"A water bottle."
"Nothing's in it."
"You asked for a bottle, not water."
"..."
The laughing stock exchange
Me to Dad: Hey Dad! How's it going? I'm waiting for stitches. This seriously happens annually. I should buy a suture kit...
Dad to me: Crazy glue works as a surgical glue for some smaller injuries, hurts less than a suture needle, but hey... suture-self.
http://i.imgur.com/kfJW6La.png
But he exchanged it and had his dinar.
Don’t know if it’s against the rules but here’s the link. https://www.facebook.com/AllDefDigital/videos/1558974744195385/
A recent text exchange with a friend:
Her: “Hey question”
Me: “Ugh like 10 years and you still don’t even know my name”
Her: “HAHAHAH omg dad”
My sister came home and opened her bedroom door to find the cats had been locked in there for a while and were very keen to get out. She then came in to the kitchen and asked. "How long have the cats been locked in my room? Because they flew out the second I opened the door" Dad: "Well, long enough to grow wings"
*walking down the line asking everyone their name.
And whats you name?
"Lauda"
WHATS YOUR NAME?
Me: What's for dinner?
Dad: Food.
Me: What kind of food?
Dad: Good food.
Made more exasperating by the fact that he's usually cooking when I ask him this, so there's a definite answer.
He says, "seafood mandu is good. But beef mandu is my favorite."
Me: "I prefer the cat mandu."
My wife actually laughed at that.
http://imgur.com/a/Uhd4b
I submitted to /r/funny but apparently text messaging posts break one of the mods laws or something. Thought y'all might appreciate it instead.
Dad: "The Cottonelle driver's career must be in the toilet."
Cottonelle driver gets in wreck several minutes later.
Mom almost instantly: "They had better wipe up that mess."
These two were clearly made for each other.
His name starts with T, his wife's with S.
T: I'm done with this, do you want the rest?
S: Will you put it in the fridge for me?
T: I'm afraid it will go flat.
S: Well, just try it.
(Fridge opens, clinking noise)
T: Oh! Nope, it stayed round!
BONUS: he just sent me this picture.
It's really too bad he's not gonna have kids to inflict this on.
Earlier my family was having a conversation about all the movies based on comic books that have been coming out. Later we were watching tv when a trailer for Exodus came on and this exchange happened.
Sister, "See it's not all comic book movies, some are based on the bible too."
Dad chimes in, "The world's first comic book."
Mom: Have you shaved and showered for tonight?
Dad: Yup.
Mom: Do you know what you're wearing?
Dad: Do you mean right now??
So, I'm at the counter in a liquor store, where I see that the cashier is wearing a mock Sons of Anarchy shirt that says, "Sloths of Anarchy" and has a sloth as the logo. As he's ringing me up, I'm trying to think of the perfect way to compliment his shirt. AHA! THIS WILL BE PERFECT
He hands me my receipt and I say, "Hey man, I like the shirt" falling for my trap he replies, "Oh thanks dude, do you watch the show?" My genius reply:
"Yeah I did, but it was kinda slow"
He doesn't even notice and continues to ask if I watched the whole thing. Maybe the world isn't ready for my dad jokes.
i work the service desk at a grocery store, and me and one of my coworkers will often make puns based on the items we return. i got 2 gallons of white milk and a half gallon of chocolate milk. the following exchange occurred.
him: i'm gonna go dump this milk.
me: that bad in the relationship, eh?
him: well yeah, look what kind of baby they made -points to chocolate milk-
me: in a relationship, you need certain emotions, i guess they just lactose emotions. -he dumps out the milk and returns-
him: hey, wanna see my jugs?
me: i had a friend named calvin who wanted to see mine. one day i finally just said, "hey cal, see em?"
Somehow our system said we owed her a penny. My manager said this makes no sense but I said it actually makes one cents.
Me: "Dad, would it be cool if I turned off the heat?"
Dad: "Yes, it would be very cool."
/facepalm /reddit
She was telling me how her younger sister has a Bachelor's degree, and makes more money than she does with her Master's in Social Work. Her sister is a phone rep who sells colostomy bags and helps new patients learn to use them. My wife's theory was that her sister makes more for working in the city. To which I said "Maybe she makes more because she has a shitty job".
https://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/3sja5w/dad_pretends_to_be_a_bucking_bronco_for_his_kid/cwxpixl
Dad: "You wanna fight?"
Me: "Yeah."
Dad: "You gonna run?"
Me: "No."
Dad: "Then how are you gonna catch me?"
Ugh.
...my dad received some tea from Teavana. He commented how he wanted to glue it to his shirt to make a "tea-shirt."
(Alas, it was eventually stolen.)
Friend: aSpanishGoat's father was aSpanishGoat adopted?
Dad: Well we tried to, but they just kept bringing him back.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Two old bums were sitting on the corner as I was waiting to cross the street and I overheard this conversation.
Bum 1: what are we gonna eat today?
Bum 2: I thought you were buying food. You got $20 a few days ago.
Bum 1: I'm so poor I forgot to pay attention
Let me preface this with some info. Firstly, me and my father are idiots; our jokes can become insensitive if we aren't careful, as we have few filters. My parents live in a tiny town amidst a thousand other tiny towns. One of the tiny towns right beside us (let's call it Townsburg) has a lot of forest and extra land, so towards the end of the summer when it's still hot but the land is starting to dry out, it's rather susceptible to fires. The other day, Townsburg caught fire in a few different places. The town my parents live in (we'll call it Cityville) is the sausage capital of our state. Yep. Sausage capital. Like brisket and such. Our proudest export is meat. Meat is what we are most proud of. I don't live there anymore, thank the universe.
So I went by my parents house on the way home from work one day to check on my retired, sick father, and watch the news with him (something I try to do whenever I can). And what happened next, well, it all just happened so fast...
Me: "Whoa, Townsburg is on fire again. I guess Cityville isn't the barbecue capital anymore, AYO." Dad: "Nope. Looks like they're about to be the barbecued capital." Me: "...we may need to stop hanging out so much."
I’m about to ask a friend of mine to Prom, and she’s an exchange student from Denmark. She’s also a huge fan of puns.
Thus, I’ve come to the finest community of Reddit in search of a good Denmark pun. What’s your best??
Waiter: would you like me to get you anything else?
Me: maybe a wheelbarrow to carry me out.. I'm stuffed.
Waiter: Haha! We are all out of wheelbarrows, but I can call you a taxi.
Me: I've been called worse.
Kids: groan
Little Girl: Daddy I want a wolf dog. (Referring to a husky she saw)
Dad: But you do have a wolf dog.
Little Girl: Nooo Shellys not a wolf dog.
Dad: Yeah huh. She goes "woof woof."
This exchange from this comment.
Mom: Hey hun, how was your camping trip with the boys?
Dad: It was in tents.
For context, my parents are hosting a party next weekend.
Me: At Walmart for next week.
Dad: A whole week at Walmart? Terrible.
...free of charge...
Well, I beg to differ.
I exchanged it for a new one, free of charge
