D&D pun
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/20Thatwiteguy02
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 04 2019
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In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,

β€œthank you for your cervix.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rusto_Dusto
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 09 2021
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My wife said she’d leave me if I kept quoting Shrek and I didn’t believe her

But then I saw her face

πŸ‘οΈŽ 434
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dizzaster21
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 19 2021
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I went to a deli and said, I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tomtomvissers
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 11 2021
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A duck wants into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: β€œI’d like some chapstick”

The pharmacist says β€œbut you’re a duck, how are you going to pay for that?”

The duck says β€œit’s fine, just put it on my bill”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 285
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mindful_dodger
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 02 2021
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My girlfriend thought I'd be lonely after she broke up with me,

Little did she know that I immediately bought stocks just to have some company.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 116
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hridaygandhi
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 20 2021
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My wife told me that she'd slept with 7 people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 22 2021
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I’d give me wife the whole ocean

But today she’s only getting a small C-section

Edit: it’s actually true. Today at 10am here in Sweden it’s happening πŸ™‚

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/joachim_s
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 13 2021
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I told my girlfriend that I thought she’d drawn her eyebrows on too high.

She seemed surprised.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 18 2021
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My wife said I'd gotten fat since she married me me...

I said "Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That's a great return on investment!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 102
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VAOkie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 16 2021
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I’d like to make a joke about chemistry

But all the good ones argon

πŸ‘οΈŽ 42
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cerebolic-parabellum
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 01 2021
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Ima start spelling weed oui’d cos I can’t say no to it
πŸ‘οΈŽ 376
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/shpam-
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 21 2021
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Choices of D&D classes

I'm starting to play in a new D&D game, and I can't decide between playing a Bard or a Rogue.

Guess I'll have to weigh the Prose and the Cons. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜…πŸ˜…πŸ˜…πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ˜œπŸ˜œπŸ€ͺπŸ€ͺ

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Clixer712
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 18 2021
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What would George Strait sing if he'd be an office worker?

All my Excels live in XLSX!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/IvanIVGrozny
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 19 2021
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If I had a son I'd name him Kelvin.

Because kelvin is an absolute unit

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AdiOza25
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 20 2021
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I'm running a D&D campaign and I figured out the best riddle for the players to solve to open a door.

"Take thine father's blade and ascend!"

>!The solution is Pa's Sword 1234!<

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AFonziScheme
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 03 2021
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I'd like to meet the dentist that would handle this
πŸ‘οΈŽ 41
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ToastyZ71
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 27 2021
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I begin my new job tomorrow, proofreading for Merriam-Webster, the online dictionary. I asked them if I'd be starting at nine, and they told me to fuck off.

I'll be starting at aardvark, like everybody else.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 10 2021
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Back in the 70s and 80s, I’d often dress up nicely, go out and order dinner for one, see movies alone, take long solitary walks...

Wow, I’m really dating myself.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Uncle_Bug_Music
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 22 2021
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I thought I’d spilt coffee everywhere on my keyboard.

Turns out it was all under CTRL.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DinglebarryHandpump
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 30 2021
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G – A – B – C – D – E – G – F#

Damn!

I just majorly fucked up.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 34
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 22 2021
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My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl

...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.

Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '

Thank you for the awards

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 17 2020
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I used to date a Welsh girl who had 32 D’s

It was a ridiculously long name

πŸ‘οΈŽ 111
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Nxxname
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 19 2021
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Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 28 2020
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If Shrek were attracted to men and women, he’d be bishrexual.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/__insignificant__
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 21 2021
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I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.

I call him Dr. Awkward.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 20 2020
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Thought you’d like this here aswell /r/Jokes/comments/ncch1p/…
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bigwillyhaver98
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 14 2021
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So, if you put Arlington County in Virginia together with Washington, D.C.,

Could that area be called AC/DC?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 27 2021
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My wife found out I cheated when she found all of the letters I'd been hiding

She swore she will never play Scrabble with me again

πŸ‘οΈŽ 174
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 07 2021
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I’d tell a joke about sentences

But it’s too wordy.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RedShirtCashion
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 20 2021
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My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.

When I asked how he managed to keep count,

He replied, "I keep a log"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DementedOak
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 19 2021
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No one told me you'd get an allergic reaction if you stood in between Anna Kendrick and Phil Collins

I didn't expect the Anna-Phil-Axis to be so severe.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/isa5589
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 29 2021
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You'd be hard-pressed to find good cider in this town.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/lfantine
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 06 2021
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Oh! False One, You Have Deceiv'd Me
πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Stretch_Aye
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 14 2021
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Despite what you'd think, witches really like to shop at Hobby Lobby.

Because they are crafty.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TimeWaitsFNM
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 02 2021
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My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.

I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 19 2021
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I’d like to stay for two Knights please.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 38
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Ithinkhisnameis
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 08 2021
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I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you’d get the well-fortified tower area back.

Guys back then were playing for keeps.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 05 2021
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My mum told me I’d never make a car out of spaghetti...

You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/pixiemx
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 27 2021
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I'd like to take this moment and say I endorse podiums.

That's a product I can stand behind!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hotellitrivago
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 20 2021
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I’d love to start a cheese business

But I lac-tose funds.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/KaleepoBlues
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 08 2021
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The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.

After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RickRocktopus
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 28 2021
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What did the Captain of the Evergreen Cargo ship say when he realised he'd messed up?

Damn!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/D3ltaforc3
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 29 2021
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Jay-Z is DMing a D&D campaign for his son.

Jay-Z's son is playing a fighter and is engaged in a grueling fight with a troll. The troll is clearly too high a difficulty for the fighter.

"Dad," Jay-Z's son exclaims in frustration. "The troll is destroying me!" Just at that moment, from behind a nearby hill appears an army of goblins led by what appears to be an intoxicated lich.

Jay-Z looks at his son and replies with a smirk, "If you're having troll problems, I feel bad for you, son. I've got 99 goblins and a lich on rum."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 43
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 09 2021
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What did the Jewish man tell his barber when he asked how he'd like his haircut?

Just a little off the top

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BigPeneMcgundy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 29 2021
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When I was a kid I thought we’d all grow up to work with horses

All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 353
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/the_bradley
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 14 2021
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Customer: "I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese."

Cashier: "Sorry, we only accept cash."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 49
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 17 2021
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