So proud of my 3 year old daughter... her first dad joke. β€œHey Dad, why did the duck cross the road?”

Because the chicken had the day off.

Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.

Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EagleTG
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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Why don't ducks tell jokes while they're flying?

Because they would quack up!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/milsificent
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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I have a joke about ducks.

Nvm I don't think it would quack you up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raijin_Thundergod
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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I’ve got a joke about a duck that will really quack you up.
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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My girlfriend is annoyed because I won't stop making duck jokes.

Judging from the look on her face, I don't think I mallard to say them anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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Came up with a joke this weekend, not sure if it exists yet or not. Why did the duck rob his mom?

So he could buy some quack..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/McFlopdick-
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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Did hear the joke about the two ducks?

It’s quakers!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WistedTwizard
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
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FiancΓ©e was distraught about killing a duck... tried cheering her up with a dad joke.

So my fiancΓ©e came home from work earlier this week, clearly upset. I asked what was wrong and she went on to tell me about how she accidentally ran over a duck.

In an attempt to comfort her, my compassionate and empathetic self responds with, "well I guess it's safe to say the duck suffered from a quacked skull huh?"

She was not amused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ih8YourCat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2014
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A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He orders a drink, and asks for the check.

Duck billed platypus.

Edit: Thanks guys.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDisneyDork
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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Ducking Hilarious Dad Joke

How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Memes_Critic
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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The internet connection in my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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2 fish are in a tank

One says to the other. How do we drive this thing

πŸ‘︎ 332
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darthchimchar64
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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What does a debt collector say when complimenting a duck?

β€œYou have an outstanding bill!”

πŸ‘︎ 630
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πŸ‘€︎ u/medimanager
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keeps attacking him.

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"

"No, it kills them."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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Did you know the first French fry wasn’t cooked in France?

It was cooked in Greece

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/agarcia128
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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It's okay if your phone autocorrects "fuck" to "duck."

You're still using fowl language.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeezusManForReal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.

It’s considered to be a personal fowl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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My friend wouldn’t stop telling me bird puns

Little did he know toucan play at that game

πŸ‘︎ 195
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwesomeGreninja9
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're very good at it.

EDIT: If your looking for animal jokes, read the comments section.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/__Odelay__
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2018
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A guy walked into a bar

And was disqualified from the limbo contest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aguyintheqca
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2017
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I just got a new job at a prison library.

It has its prose and cons.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonts26
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2015
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My girlfriend was having rough morning getting ready for class... I don't think I helped

So my girlfriend and I are both in college and I'm at her dorm waiting for her to get ready for class. She takes off her glasses and starts looking through her drawer when she says "Aw why did I do this to myself? I ran out of contacts"

I go "Babe, if it's more friends that you need, we can go out tonight and meet new people"

After the usual eye roll she goes "No I wanna see"

To which I reply, "Why would you want a C? I'm shooting for at least a B or an A in all of my classes"

That was probably the heaviest sigh I've ever heard from her

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuexDota
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2016
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My duck got arrested.

Apparently he's a quackhead.

I tried to bail him out, they wouldn't let me. Said he was a flight risk.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clegern
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2016
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A duck walks into a bar wearing a shoe.

The bartender asks, "Hey duck, why are you wearing a shoe?"

The duck replies, "I lost the other one."

My dad told me this joke and I was so disappointed I had to share.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snarktopus420
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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What time do ducks wake up?

At the quack of dawn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cunt_Bucket_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2016
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Got my friend good yesterday

She was talking about having guacamole for the super bowl and we were talking about going to trader joe's.

Me: Trader Joe's has some pretty good guac that we could pick up.

Her: No way, I make my own. I'm in search of perfection.

Me: So you not only talk the talk, you also guac the guac?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drakeonaplane
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2016
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My roomate's brother makes a duck call.

So My roomate invited me to his family Thanksgiving/holiday party yesterday. After dessert we're all sitting around and the children present are being rowdy. My roomate's brother calls them all over to our table and insists on showing them how to make a duck call. He begins ripping apart an empty soda can and wrapping it up in a very complicated fashion with a napkin and a plastic fork. He meticulously takes the top off, makes strips of metal, and winds them into this plastic fork. He carries on like this for about five minutes, the children utterly transfixed, sit watching until his creation is finally "complete". He then holds it up to his mouth, inhales, and shouts: "HERE DUCKY DUCKY DUCKY!!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilboBaggins93
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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What do you call it when a duck farts?

A butt-quack!

πŸ‘︎ 284
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mpittkin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2016
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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A dadjoke set for the kindergarten crowd

If you ever end up having to entertain kids around kindergarten age (5 or 6 years old) here are some jokes you can use.

Write the letter Y on a board or piece of paper. Ask, "Can you tell me what this letter is?" and they'll say "Y", to which you respond, "Because I want to know how smart you are."

After a bit of back and forth you can look exasperated that they don't get it (when of course it is you who don't get it), then say, "Okay here's an easy one, can you tell me what this word is?" Write down the word NO and of course the kids will say "NO" and you can say, "You don't know what this word is?" or "You know what it is but you won't tell me?" Kids usually think it's hilarious that an adult can be this dense.

For kids who can spell words, you can use ones like "duck" and then when they say it you can duck as if something is coming at you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dmethvin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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Girlfriend: "The amount of ducks you have here is ridiculous..."

Me: "You mean reduckulous..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BopNiblets
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2014
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Going to a duck do.

My dad tried this joke on me many years ago - here's how it should've gone:

Dad: I'm going to a duck do tomorrow.

Me: What's a duck do?

Dad: Quack quack.

But unfortunately, I wasn't very good at playing along, so here's how it actually went:

Dad: I'm going to a duck do tomorrow.

Me: Can I come?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cmdrxander
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2013
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DUCK!

When I was waiting tables in a French bistro, I had a gentleman order the duck confit appetizer, followed by the roast duck entree.

As I cleared his dinner, he said, "Now you can bring me my third duck course."

I said, "I'm afraid I haven't got a duck dessert, Sir."

He said, "No, no - the bill!"

πŸ‘︎ 221
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasp449
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2014
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Tears the tab off a soda can - "Want to hear my best duck call?"

Speaks into soda tab: "Calling all ducks"

My dad did this and it took me years to understand...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ursidaelius
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2015
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I did it!

I have a 3 yr old but I'm not good at dad jokes yet. But just now I finally did one.

It's morning and I'm not wearing socks. Little one asks "Daddy how come you have bare feet?"

Me: "Well, it's better than having duck feet."

(Victory lap around the breakfast table)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/willzyx1980
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2015
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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Science Puns

One of the funniest school puns; science puns

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.


The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.


If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, β€œNo, I’m traveling light.”


Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because you’re talking nonsense!


How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.


What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says β€œI think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says β€œI think I’ll have an H2O too” β€” and he died.


A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.


Did you hear the one about the recycling triplets? Their names are Polly, Ethel, and Ian.


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? I like your β€œstyle.”


I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.


I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.


Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.


Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.


Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.


What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!


A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies β€œFor you, no charge”.


Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: β€œOh, no, I think I lost an electron.” β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYe

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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Why can't ducks tell jokes when they fly?

Cause they would quack up.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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Duck jokes

Why does a duck have feathers?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DemonDamon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He finishes his drink and asks for his check.

Duck billed platypus.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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I can't take my dog to the park without all the ducks attacking him

I shouldn't have gotten a pure bread.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcerk02
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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We can't take our dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him...

Guess that's what we get for buying a pure bread dog...

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2017
🚨︎ report

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