It’s sad the neighborhood went down the crapper
πŸ‘︎ 515
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShakinBacon64
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A proud dad sits down to have a drink with his father.

"Well son , now that you have got a kid of your own, i think it's time to give you this."

"Dad you don't mean-"

"Yes son ,i do" Dad pulls out the copy of 1001 Dad Jokes,5th Edition

"Dad... i am honoured..." , He says , tears sparkling in his eyes.

"Hi honoured" , replies his father , "i'm dad".

πŸ‘︎ 425
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Setsunai___
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m about to share a joke that’ll turn r/dadjokes upside down

sǝʞoɾpɐp/ɹ

πŸ‘︎ 615
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?

You get a flat minor

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack was just about to chop down a tree when, miraculously, the tree said, "don't chop me down! I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack stepped back and said, "really? well, you'll die a log."

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you fall down the stairs?

Step 1 Step 2 Step 3

Step 6

Step 11

Step 16 Floor

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jg4888
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad took me down to a garden centre to buy manure but they were out of stock.

We weren't taking shit from anyone that day

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coralthesequel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a strip club where everything is upside down?

Stranger Thongs

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supra_elongata
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?

To get to the bottom...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shiden93
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Calm down, David. This is a very simple procedure.

Me: I’m not David.

Doctor: I know. I’m David.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.

When I asked how he managed to keep count,

He replied, "I keep a log"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DementedOak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.

After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I was driving my new Toyota down the street and some kid said 'sick car'

I replied, "thanks, I'll get it tested for Corollavirus".

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmokeRingHalo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Some guys are talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one of the friends say "I sit down when I pee"

Another friend proceeds to curse and weep at the first friend yelling "I though you were a stand-up guy!"

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scarfbit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I was walking down the street and I heard someone saying hello in Arabic.

Turns out it was a false salaam.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
You're in a dirty fistfight against a gang of circus performers. Who do you take down first to weaken the whole team?

Go for the juggler.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guru9224
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Sales are down, so my boss asked why the greeting cards aren't moving

I told him it's because they are stationary

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
If you are thinking of settling down, here’s some advice: Don’t date soccer players.

There’s only a 1/11 chance that they’re a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife has eaten that much during lock down...

....that she's started getting a tan off the frigging fridge light.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
A magician was walking down the street

Then he turned into a shop.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/db720
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?

I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fireburner80
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy put a gallon each of strawberry, grape and apple flavored punch in a barrel, jumped in and rolled down a local hill. His friend asked, but why?

He replied: "I just wanted to roll with the punches".

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winkelschleifer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
A Norwegian fell down a canyon.

It was a Fjordian slip.

πŸ’πŸ“πŸ’

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Technically speaking aren't all out genes hand me downs?

Ba dun dun PSHHH

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thephotodojoe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills

Those were goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 438
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gotblake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
A man is preparing to cut down a tree in the forest.

The tree says, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

The man replies, "You're going to dialogue."

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Our local fire station burnt down today.

Apparently, somebody left the irony on.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I fell at work and cracked my tailbone. Now I can’t sit down and I have to listen to everyone’s wise cracks..

All in all it’s been a real pain in the ass!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NicholasMirth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I was outside, laying down, at night, admiring the stars and the moon

Then it dawned on me.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pineappleninja91
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Let’s sit down and....
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ithinkhisnameis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
The prosthetics store down the street ran out of stock...

Things are really getting out of hand...

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vin135mm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I swear, I put it down right over there!
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoseChavezyChavez
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you know why perfume sales are down?

Because they mask our smell.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wardsmith_82
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I squat down, hold my knees to my chest, and lean forward

Because that’s how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cleverless
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my grandpa, β€œHow are you enjoying the new stair lift?”

Grandpa: I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A farmer attempted to tow a load of manure down the interstate at 5 pm. Of course, it caused a crash and traffic jam...

I can't believe he tried to pull this shit!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Walking around the mall with my daughter and we decided to go down a level. She expressed disappointment the elevator was broken,

I told her, " The escalator is just like an elevator but with extra steps."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Training-Brick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
That explains why he tried to mow down little Anakin
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/p13art
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the electrician say to calm down?

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TechnoGamer16
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My tree was cut down for paper

RIP

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pax_flash
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a waterfall that goes up instead of down ?

Viagra Falls.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did Gwen Stefani turn down a job as a bagger at the local Jewish bakery?

She ain’t no challah bag-girl.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pjorgypjorg
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked an Australian kid what’s a clever comeback down under. He said...

Ok, boomerang.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Auntie went up ladder into high part of house. High part of house not so strong. High part of house have dangerous things. I worry about Auntie. She up there long time. Later Auntie come down ladder, safe. Whole event was..

Auntie climb attic.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I wrote down all of the things my wife wants me to buy from the produce section at the grocery store...

It was my honeydew list.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do weighted blankets calm you down?

Because compression is the opposite of tension!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andnat12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the lumberjack who cut down the wrong trees ?

He forgot his chopping list.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report

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