Itβs sad the neighborhood went down the crapper
π︎ 515
π
︎ Apr 10 2021
A proud dad sits down to have a drink with his father.
"Well son , now that you have got a kid of your own, i think it's time to give you this."
"Dad you don't mean-"
"Yes son ,i do"
Dad pulls out the copy of 1001 Dad Jokes,5th Edition
"Dad... i am honoured..." , He says , tears sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi honoured" , replies his father , "i'm dad".
π︎ 425
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Iβm about to share a joke thatβll turn r/dadjokes upside down
π︎ 615
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
π︎ 160
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︎ Apr 03 2021
A lumberjack was just about to chop down a tree when, miraculously, the tree said, "don't chop me down! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack stepped back and said, "really? well, you'll die a log."
π︎ 25
π
︎ Apr 13 2021
How do you fall down the stairs?
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 6
Step 11
Step 16
Floor
π︎ 55
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︎ Mar 28 2021
My dad took me down to a garden centre to buy manure but they were out of stock.
We weren't taking shit from anyone that day
π︎ 8
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︎ Apr 10 2021
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now heβs high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
π︎ 20k
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
What do you call a strip club where everything is upside down?
π︎ 10
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︎ Apr 05 2021
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
Doctor: Calm down, David. This is a very simple procedure.
Me: Iβm not David.
Doctor: I know. Iβm David.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
π︎ 24
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︎ Mar 29 2021
I was driving my new Toyota down the street and some kid said 'sick car'
I replied, "thanks, I'll get it tested for Corollavirus".
π︎ 29
π
︎ Apr 10 2021
Some guys are talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one of the friends say "I sit down when I pee"
Another friend proceeds to curse and weep at the first friend yelling "I though you were a stand-up guy!"
π︎ 35
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
I was walking down the street and I heard someone saying hello in Arabic.
Turns out it was a false salaam.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Apr 11 2021
You're in a dirty fistfight against a gang of circus performers. Who do you take down first to weaken the whole team?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
Sales are down, so my boss asked why the greeting cards aren't moving
I told him it's because they are stationary
π︎ 106
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
If you are thinking of settling down, hereβs some advice: Donβt date soccer players.
Thereβs only a 1/11 chance that theyβre a keeper.
π︎ 57
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
My wife has eaten that much during lock down...
....that she's started getting a tan off the frigging fridge light.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
A magician was walking down the street
Then he turned into a shop.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
A guy put a gallon each of strawberry, grape and apple flavored punch in a barrel, jumped in and rolled down a local hill. His friend asked, but why?
He replied: "I just wanted to roll with the punches".
π︎ 9
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
A Norwegian fell down a canyon.
It was a Fjordian slip.
πππ
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
Technically speaking aren't all out genes hand me downs?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills
π︎ 438
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
A man is preparing to cut down a tree in the forest.
The tree says, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The man replies, "You're going to dialogue."
π︎ 37
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
Our local fire station burnt down today.
Apparently, somebody left the irony on.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
I fell at work and cracked my tailbone. Now I canβt sit down and I have to listen to everyoneβs wise cracks..
All in all itβs been a real pain in the ass!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 10 2021
I was outside, laying down, at night, admiring the stars and the moon
π︎ 19
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︎ Mar 01 2021
Letβs sit down and....
π︎ 20
π
︎ Mar 08 2021
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know thereβs no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
The prosthetics store down the street ran out of stock...
Things are really getting out of hand...
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 15 2021
I swear, I put it down right over there!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
Do you know why perfume sales are down?
Because they mask our smell.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
Sometimes I squat down, hold my knees to my chest, and lean forward
Because thatβs how I roll.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
I asked my grandpa, βHow are you enjoying the new stair lift?β
Grandpa: I hate it. Itβs driving me up the wall.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
A farmer attempted to tow a load of manure down the interstate at 5 pm. Of course, it caused a crash and traffic jam...
I can't believe he tried to pull this shit!
π︎ 13
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︎ Mar 11 2021
Walking around the mall with my daughter and we decided to go down a level. She expressed disappointment the elevator was broken,
I told her, " The escalator is just like an elevator but with extra steps."
π︎ 19
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
That explains why he tried to mow down little Anakin
π︎ 17
π
︎ Mar 07 2021
What did the electrician say to calm down?
Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 01 2021
My tree was cut down for paper
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
What do you call a waterfall that goes up instead of down ?
π︎ 28
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︎ Mar 24 2021
Why did Gwen Stefani turn down a job as a bagger at the local Jewish bakery?
She ainβt no challah bag-girl.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
I asked an Australian kid whatβs a clever comeback down under. He said...
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 17 2021
Auntie went up ladder into high part of house. High part of house not so strong. High part of house have dangerous things. I worry about Auntie. She up there long time. Later Auntie come down ladder, safe. Whole event was..
π︎ 13
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
I wrote down all of the things my wife wants me to buy from the produce section at the grocery store...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
Why do weighted blankets calm you down?
Because compression is the opposite of tension!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
Did you hear about the lumberjack who cut down the wrong trees ?
He forgot his chopping list.
π︎ 48
π
︎ Mar 07 2021
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint
Now heβs high on the list of people I never want to see again.
π︎ 74
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
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