Double You Puns

You’ll get tied up in nots.

His mind was playing Twix on him.

Because we celebrate revolution

Send it for an eggs-ray (I’m sorry 🙈, my daughter said this when I cracked a double yolked egg into the pan this morning)

It is called double-you-see (say it out loud)

It's textbook price gauging.

He got toad.

It was worth it though... That club was hopping.

The fairy of relativity.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why?

To see the idiot.

...

Knock Knock

Who's there?

The chicken.

"Sprint with me in hell"

A book mark.

Regular medicine.

Because it's a no passing zone!

.... I'll show myself out.

A place of warship.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

I was beside myself.

Because they’re thick and tired of it.

The Long Arm Abdullah

When the punchline is apparent. My son told me that one.

Letter rip

They are a big No. No.

2 doubles and you start feeling single again.

Mom: Stares at DadDad: Clenches fistMom: "Don't!"Dad: Sweats ProfuselyMom: "..."Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"Son: "No dad, I'm serious!"Dad: "You're serious? I thought you were Gay!"

No need to remind her every half hour.

I replied, "well give me the one that she did make!"

Because he was Stalin.

• "Can't talk, busy camping," replied Tom, intent.
• "The French don't deserve our thanks," said Tom mercilessly.
• "Haven't you heard me singing in church?" Tom inquired.
• "I'll win this tennis game if I get one more point, " Tom deduced.
• "I didn't eat my T-bone tonight," said Tom mistakenly.
• "So you're asking about my mink coat," Tom inferred.
• "I'm wearing a watch around my wrist," said Tom with abandon.
• "I'm the most important salmon vendor," said Tom selfishly.
• "I was correct the first three times, and I am correct now," said Tom forthrightly.
• "Castration is reversible," Tom remembered.
• "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
• "I command my own private army," said Tom maliciously.
• "I'll order the same meat as last time," Tom revealed.
• "I've never swum in Egypt's longest river," said Tom in denial.
• "Et tu?" asked Tom brutally.
• "That's women for you," said Tom dismissively.
• "I'll have a bowl of Chinese soup," said Tom wantonly.
• "I eat everything," said Tom in jest.
• "I gave you your freedom, and I can take it away," said Tom deliberately.
• "Maybe if I rub this lamp something good will happen," said Tom ingeniously.
• "I'm never taking an Uber again," Tom derided.
• "That dog is a mongrel," Tom muttered.
• "It's too bad Babe isn't on our team," said Tom ruthlessly.
• "Maybe I should stop using worms to catch fish... or maybe not," Tom debated.
• "Hemingway is my favorite author," said Tom earnestly.
• "This drumming is too easy," said Tom without missing a beat.
• "This is a frozen dessert,” I screamed.
• "Now I have TWO duck feathers", Tom doubled down.
• "She would never answer her phone the first time, you always had to hang up once," Tom recalled.
• "Two plus five is seven,” Tom added.
• "I only have Diamonds, Clubs and Spades," said Tom heartlessly.
• "It's okay, the PlayStation still works," Tom consoled.
• "Capital punishment is mostly used on the lower classes," said Tom with poor execution.
• "Where are all of my old board games?" asked Tom cluelessly.
• "I might be acquitted," said Tom without conviction.
• "I've never dyed my hair red, but I'll try it," said Tom gingerly.
• "Ugh! I need to shave again," Tom bristled.
• "Whale hunting makes me so sad," Tom blubbered.
• "I'll quit smoking marijuana right now!" said Tom bluntly.
• "I like hot dogs more than hamburgers," said Tom frankly.
• "I signed it twice," Tom remarked.
• "I received a letter to take my car in for repair," Tom recalled.
• "I hate pale ale," sai

Still no answer as to why he crossed the road

You take away the s.

"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.

The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"

I thought it was a good deal, but now I have buck teeth.

Yeah, they're calling it global worming.

Gross.

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."

"Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."

Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"

"Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved."

Typically within an arms length or less, in fact.

Sea ur-chin

A spy has inside intel.

A computer has Intel Inside.

From a cow with really short legs.

This conversation just happened:

Me: I have a secret chocolate stash. I saw a Heath bar double pack and I bought them. I ate one and hid the other one.

Hubbs: You should keep a tally of how many Heath bars you buy.

Me: ... Why?

Hubbs: So you can have a Heath Ledger!

Me: ... ... ...

They’re talented in web design.

It’s a no no.

A roman walks into the bar and asks for a Martinus.

"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers please!"