Me: Iโ€™m a modest man. I donโ€™t like to blow my own horn.

Orchestra conductor: But thatโ€™s your only job. Youโ€™re fired.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I donโ€™t mean to toot my own horn

But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driverโ€™s seat.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 753
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ftpcolonslashslash
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows wear bells ?

Because their horns donโ€™t work.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 106
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/brittany90210
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 17 2023
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit theyโ€™re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. โ€œIโ€™d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,โ€ it says. โ€œSorry, but I canโ€™t serve you,โ€ the bartender replies. โ€œYouโ€™re out of your head.โ€

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. โ€œWe donโ€™t serve your kind here,โ€ the bartender says. โ€œWhy not?โ€ one yogurt asks. โ€œWeโ€™re cultured.โ€

A friend of mine didnโ€™t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heโ€™s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and thereโ€™s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, โ€œWhat are you staring at? Havenโ€™t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?โ€ The guy says, โ€œItโ€™s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.โ€

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, โ€œWhatโ€™s with the paper towel?โ€ The pirate says, โ€œArrr! Iโ€™ve got a Bounty on me head!โ€

A turtle is crossing the road when heโ€™s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, โ€œI donโ€™t know. It all happened so fast.โ€

Armed robbersโ€”some say theyโ€™re a drain on society, but youโ€™ve got to give it to them.

Barbersโ€ฆyou have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Donโ€™t forget the pickle. Itโ€™s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereโ€™s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisโ€ฆ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bugasum
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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A car cruising down a rural country suddenly backfires.

As the engine sputters and shuts down the woman driving the car steers toward a nearby driveway and honks the horn hoping to get the attention of a guy herding cattle in the distance. Sure enough within a minute the man has ridden his horse over to her. He dismounts and gives a happy โ€œHello! Sounds like youโ€™re having some car trouble. Can I help at all?โ€ The woman replies that sheโ€™s not sure what happened but that she would love some help. They pop the hood and the man says he thinks he can fix the problem but has to run back to his barn to get some tools. The cows have come to see whatโ€™s going on and as the farmer gets ready to leave he says โ€œDonโ€™t worry about your car. Iโ€™ll have it running in a few minutes. Just head over there to the shade of the tree by the fence. The cows are all friendly. Bessy there likes to have her ear rubbed, Albert likes to look at people, and Mare will just moo a grand ole tune.โ€ All of it is true and within 20 minutes the woman is happily sitting in her car with the engine running better than before. โ€œThank you so much, youโ€™re a life saver,โ€ she says. The man smiles and lets out a big laugh before saying โ€œIโ€™m glad I could help. But Iโ€™m no life saver. Iโ€™m just a jolly rancher.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/foyeldagain
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How do you make a tissue dance?

You put a lil boogie in it

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 10 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows have bells in their necks?

Because their horns donโ€™t work

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Satoshi-Buterin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns donโ€™t work!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/floopyloopers
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 11 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows have to wear bells?

Because their horns donโ€™t work. ๐Ÿฎ

(My kid told me today. I couldnโ€™t help but laugh at its simpleness)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 454
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Burlesque_carnival
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns donโ€™t work

๐Ÿ‘︎ 154
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/t_bone_stake
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns donโ€™t blow.

(This was my Dadโ€™s favorite joke ever)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wabarron
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 21 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows wear bells?

Their horns donโ€™t work.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 238
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pitmule
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns donโ€™t work. ๐Ÿ˜†

(Courtesy of my 9 year old).

๐Ÿ‘︎ 185
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JakeMann220
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns donโ€™t work.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 39
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Helpfulfriend96
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 23 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows have bell?

Because there horns donโ€™t work

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ithinkhisnameis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 05 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows wear bells

Their horns donโ€™t work

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Top_Service_6152
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 28 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows have bells around there neck?

.

..

Because their horns donโ€™t work

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/reddituser1708
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 02 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns donโ€™t work.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 241
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thisDiff
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows have bells around their necks?

Because their horns donโ€™t work.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 79
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gmaxis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

Because their horns donโ€™t work!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 96
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wildM4N04
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows wear cowbells?

Because their horns donโ€™t work

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/The_Nightman_82
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns donโ€™t work.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 35
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AUTOSHAWT
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns donโ€™t work.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Zuckerschneggle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns donโ€™t work.

(An actual joke from my dad that Iโ€™ve been hearing since I was little)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/poemsoflove
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns donโ€™t work!!

Boyfriendโ€™s son told him this joke this morning. Heโ€™s set to be a dad already!!!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ChooseTheRum
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns donโ€™t work

๐Ÿ‘︎ 39
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jothebest75
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 22 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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