Me: I’m a modest man. I don’t like to blow my own horn.

Orchestra conductor: But that’s your only job. You’re fired.

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📅︎ Dec 05 2022
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I don’t mean to toot my own horn

But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driver’s seat.

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📅︎ Jun 02 2020
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Why do cows wear bells ?

Because their horns don’t work.

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📅︎ Feb 17 2023
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➡

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👤︎ u/Bugasum
📅︎ Jun 10 2022
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A car cruising down a rural country suddenly backfires.

As the engine sputters and shuts down the woman driving the car steers toward a nearby driveway and honks the horn hoping to get the attention of a guy herding cattle in the distance. Sure enough within a minute the man has ridden his horse over to her. He dismounts and gives a happy “Hello! Sounds like you’re having some car trouble. Can I help at all?” The woman replies that she’s not sure what happened but that she would love some help. They pop the hood and the man says he thinks he can fix the problem but has to run back to his barn to get some tools. The cows have come to see what’s going on and as the farmer gets ready to leave he says “Don’t worry about your car. I’ll have it running in a few minutes. Just head over there to the shade of the tree by the fence. The cows are all friendly. Bessy there likes to have her ear rubbed, Albert likes to look at people, and Mare will just moo a grand ole tune.” All of it is true and within 20 minutes the woman is happily sitting in her car with the engine running better than before. “Thank you so much, you’re a life saver,” she says. The man smiles and lets out a big laugh before saying “I’m glad I could help. But I’m no life saver. I’m just a jolly rancher.”

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📅︎ Dec 25 2019
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How do you make a tissue dance?

You put a lil boogie in it

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📅︎ Jul 10 2022
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Why do cows have bells in their necks?

Because their horns don’t work

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📅︎ Apr 15 2022
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Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don’t work!

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📅︎ Apr 11 2022
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Why do cows have to wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work. 🐮

(My kid told me today. I couldn’t help but laugh at its simpleness)

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📅︎ Sep 18 2021
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

👍︎ 154
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📅︎ Apr 27 2021
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t blow.

(This was my Dad’s favorite joke ever)

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👤︎ u/wabarron
📅︎ Feb 21 2022
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Why do cows wear bells?

Their horns don’t work.

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👤︎ u/pitmule
📅︎ Apr 08 2021
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work. 😆

(Courtesy of my 9 year old).

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📅︎ Apr 10 2021
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

👍︎ 39
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📅︎ Sep 23 2021
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Why do cows have bell?

Because there horns don’t work

👍︎ 24
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📅︎ Nov 05 2021
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Why do cows wear bells

Their horns don’t work

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📅︎ Nov 28 2021
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Why do cows have bells around there neck?

.

..

Because their horns don’t work

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📅︎ Oct 02 2021
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

👍︎ 241
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👤︎ u/thisDiff
📅︎ May 21 2020
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Why do cows have bells around their necks?

Because their horns don’t work.

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👤︎ u/gmaxis
📅︎ Sep 28 2019
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Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

Because their horns don’t work!

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👤︎ u/wildM4N04
📅︎ May 07 2019
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Why do cows wear cowbells?

Because their horns don’t work

👍︎ 33
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📅︎ Aug 09 2019
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Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

👍︎ 35
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👤︎ u/AUTOSHAWT
📅︎ Jul 07 2020
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

👍︎ 18
💬︎
📅︎ Apr 27 2020
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

(An actual joke from my dad that I’ve been hearing since I was little)

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📅︎ Jan 15 2019
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work!!

Boyfriend’s son told him this joke this morning. He’s set to be a dad already!!!

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📅︎ Mar 18 2019
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Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don’t work

👍︎ 39
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📅︎ May 22 2019
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