A list of puns related to "Do It Right"
Cysters
"Well, at least you could try."
βWhy?β she asked.
βBecause thatβs what makes it beautiful.β
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
...it took me hours to mop that carpet.
It was a relief
Sleepy.
Tuskaloosa
my wife and I saw a clown and she goes "I hate fucking clowns" and I said "then don't fuck em"
It's a-maze-thing :D
Rabbit: Hi! Do you have carrot pie? owner says no, we don't make carrot pie. Next day rabbit comes: Hi! Do you have carrot pie? No! We don't make carrot pie! Next day rabbit comes: Hi! Do you have carrot pie? No! I told you already! Rabbit came 3 days in a row so the owner thinks; I'm gonna make him a carrot pie he might be a regular! Earn some money. Next day rabbit comes: Hi! Do you have carrot pie? Owner answers yes! Its right here! Rabbit answers: It's disgusting, isn't it?
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit theyβre bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. βIβd like some wings and a pint of beer, please,β it says. βSorry, but I canβt serve you,β the bartender replies. βYouβre out of your head.β
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. βWe donβt serve your kind here,β the bartender says. βWhy not?β one yogurt asks. βWeβre cultured.β
A friend of mine didnβt pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heβs an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and thereβs a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, βWhat are you staring at? Havenβt you ever seen a horse tending bar before?β The guy says, βItβs not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.β
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, βWhatβs with the paper towel?β The pirate says, βArrr! Iβve got a Bounty on me head!β
A turtle is crossing the road when heβs mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, βI donβt know. It all happened so fast.β
Armed robbersβsome say theyβre a drain on society, but youβve got to give it to them.
Barbersβ¦you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Donβt forget the pickle. Itβs kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereβs Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisβ¦ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit β‘Why was the Headless Horseman never invited to business parties?
π Because he couldnβt get a-head in life.
What did the eye say to the other eye?
π Eye see you.
Why didnβt the right-handed man ask the other man if he was alright?
ππ» The other man was left-handed.
Why is the letter U upset about televison?
πΊ Because U isnβt included in it.
How come the letter Y hates asking questions?
βThe response is always, βY, you ask?β
Why did the horse become a comedian?
π΄ He was very fun-neigh.
Why did Mrs. Banana leave Mr. Banana?
π They had a split.
What do you get when you cross a doctor and a lemon?
π Lemon-aid.
Why do the spices argue a lot?
π§ Because theyβre salty.
Why did the noodle have to go to bed?
π It was pasta-his bed time.
What did Mr. Volcano say to Mrs. Volcano?
π I lava you.
Why do the gardening tools hate Stacy?
πͺ΄ Stacyβs a hoe.
Why are you beautiful?
πBecause βBe youβ is in the word itself.
The last one is more heartwarming than funny, but I thought itβd be included.
Dad: woah! What happened to you? Why do you have 2 black eyes?
Me: There was a lady in front of me whoβs dress kept giving her a wedgie every time she stood up. So I reached over and said pulled it out. She immediately turned around and punched me in the right eye.
Dad: So⦠how did you get the other black eye.
Me: Wellβ¦. The lady stood up again, and the guy next to me pulled her wedgie outβ¦ I knew she didnβt like itβ¦ so I shoved it back in.
It was very time consuming.
I told her we need to go to the hospital. Her contractions were only 4 minutes apart.
(My wife is actually in labor right now at the hospital.)
Edit: oops guess thay should be 8:58 and 9:02
Update: my wife is going in to surgery for a c section. Everything is going a little different than we hoped but it's OK.
Final update. The surgery went great everyone is doing well. I have a daughter now! Thanks guys.
Use a TherDADeter
When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.
βCould you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?β
After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: βBut that is not nine!β
βOh yes it isβ, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, βTree + Tree + Tree make nine!β
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a long while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: βBut that is not ninety-nine!β
βOh yes it isβ, said the Irishman, βDirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.β
The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: βBut that is not 100!β
βOh yes it most certainly isβ, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent,
βDirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100
Which American President was least guilty?
Lincoln. He was in a cent.
Greetings Reddit. This isn't your classical dad joke, but I bet that this sub definitely has some memers versed in this particular art. I have an odd but noble request. A request that will probably involve you abandoning some of your morals and going to lengths that you never thought possible. Some of you may not survive this, others will be scared for life. For those of you who do survive, all I can promise is an absolute abundance of vicarious comedic climaxing.
I am looking for the most complex, well-executed, strategically sound, stealthy, and grandiose ligma joke of all time, one that my friend will not see c(u)oming. He is very, very well-versed in ligma jokes, so this will be a difficult task. For example, just today I tried to get him with a Europe joke (Europe on this dick), but he caught it right away, didn't even flinch. I got him with a Samir joke a few weeks ago (Samiring these nuts on your face), but that's the only recent success I've had (really had to tee that one up too). I even asked him if he wants to hear about the new girl I'm talking to named Wilma (Wilma dick fit in yo ass) AND HE DIDN'T EVEN RESPOND.
As you can see, I'm at war with an absolute psychopath who is extremely well-versed and capable in this particular style of warfare. I'm looking for a complex ligma joke that he will never see coming. I will go to great lengths to achieve this sweet comedic release. I am talking about some pepe silva level shit. I am talking fake my own death just to jump out of my casket at the funeral type shit. So, please send any recommendations. Before you call me a normie, this war is based on layers and layers of irony.
My dad is a circus performer. Heβs been doing the same act for years and years, and it was at a performance of his that he met my mom. They both tell one story about his circus career. My fatherβs circus act is unique and nigh unbelievable. What he would do is place a walnut on a table just below his knees, whip out his dick, swing it around and use it to crack the walnut. One audience member who saw this when my dad just started out as a young man could not believe it, and left stupefied. Decades later, with my dad in his late 50βs and still doing the act, that same man came to see the performance. That time, my dad placed a coconut on the table, whipped out his dick, and split the coconut right in half. After the show, the man, insistent on talking to my dad, found him backstage, shook his hand, and asked: βAfter all these years, your performance still blows me away. But why have you changed to a coconut instead of a walnut?β My dad just looked at him and said: βWell, my eyesight isnβt what it used to be.β
Our 3yo daughter was counting at dinner. And as 3 year olds sometime do, she was mispronouncing by saying β1 Mistersippiβ¦ 2 Mistersippiβ¦ etc.β Our 8yo immediately corrected her, βItβs MISSISSIPPI not MISTERsippiβ. I jumped in with, βHeβs right. Mistersippi is Mississippiβs husband.β I got eye rolls from both the 8yo and my wife. Mission accomplished.
Day 7 of posting soapy dad jokes for a week!
I was going to post just one joke today but due to the situation right now, I have decided to post 7 just to try to lighten the mood a bit.
Here we go...!
>!to get to the other tides!!<
>!But it was a pack of lyes!!<
>!then it dawned on me.!<
>!then it's a soap opera.!<
>!cops say they got away clean!!<
>!is it the foamer or the lather?!<
And lastly...
>!All the good ones keep slipping through my fingers! :(!<
Hope you enjoyed that! Please have a nice day!
>!Stay strong, Ukraine!!<
His best friend, Roy, was known around town for having an adventurous streak that a small town just couldn't satisfy. Roy yearned to travel the world, to rub shoulders with the well-to-do, and to squeeze every drop of excitement he could out of life. While most young folk in town, my grandpa included, were resigned to their lot, Roy was driven by his dream. He worked incredibly hard, taking every hired-hand and handy-man job he could find. He would walk five miles each way to clean a gutter if there was a nickel to be made. His hometown was always spotless, because Roy would pick up every glass bottle he saw to get the deposit back, and every can he found would get turned in for recycling.
The years stretched on. Grandpa settled down with his high school sweetheart in a one-room cottage and had my dad, and not much else. Roy kept hurrying from one job to the next, never spending a dime on a date. Everyone would just roll their eyes and quietly gossip about how poor Roy's obsession was robbing him of a real life.
One day, Roy showed up at Grandpa's house, all decked out in a brand new khaki safari kit, complete with helmet, binoculars, and elephant gun, and announced that he had finally saved up enough for passage to Africa to go big game hunting. He was especially proud of the fine leather boots he was sporting. "Indestructable" he called them, totally impenetrable to water, wind, and snow. No trench-foot for him while he tracked rhinos on the savannah!
Grandpa congratulated Roy on his achievement and wished him bon voyage. Over the next three months, the town felt Roy's absence. Litter lay where it fell, gutters overflowed in heavy rain, small-time farmers rose that bit earlier and bedded that bit later to cover the work Roy used to help with. Of course, the gossipers just turned their chat from how Roy needed a dose of reality to how thoughtless it was of him to just up and leave. Most folks were convinced Roy was gone for good. After all, how could he come back from such a high-falutin' adventure to his tiny, no-account hometown?
But return Roy did, and everyone crowded around at the bar to hear his account of his safari. To their surprise, Roy told them that, for all the time he had been away, he only bagged one trophy that was currently on a slow boat back. It turned out, once Roy got a close-up look at the elephants, rhinos, giraffes, gazelles, and all the fine animals of the African savannah, he lost all heart for hunting. He just couldn't imagi
... keep reading on reddit β‘In my book group the other day we were talking about overseas travel.
One guy had been to Australia years ago. βWhatβs the name of that big rock in the middle of the continent?β he asked. Somebody said, Ayers Rock.
βYeah, thatβs it.β he said. βI climbed it.β
βWow, you climbed Ayers Rock?β
βYeah, but they donβt let you do that any more.β
I piped right up: βClimb-it change.β
Loud groans and shaking heads all around. Dad joke accomplished.
Yam know, I know alot of ice food plums. I can dumpling em on you right now desprite the pickle I'm in. They're pretea cheesey but they get cheddar! There's eggndless pastabilities when it cucumbers to word plate. I doughn't meat to egg you on butter you should really try it! Just lettuce loose. Mustard up the courage to ketchup with the times and mayoby relish in the potgress of bready made humor! I know it mayo seem fishy butter you'll loaf it! I know you vegemight not carrot about puns but they're truly bratworth it! Clam on, don't be a chicken! Don't let your creams be creams! You donut know what you're mincing! Yah goatta be nuts not to try it once! I meat, water you doing right now anywaffer? Once you do, orange you be glad you tried? I'll even pear you up with someone you can make grape puns with! I'm sugar you'll be able to bake olive the amazucchini ones I'm saying right now! There'll be so much to tacobout. Though, I hope you don't have any beef. I don't think I'm stroganoff to stop boba you if you fight. I won't be able to cashew . Cerealously. Soooda...I guess you batter be ice and things will be all peachy! Oh to be a pizza the fun.. Man, I can go on but I'm dragonfruitn' this out and I avocadon't wanna come off as souper corny. So, lettuce toast to the cake world of puns and mango on like never before!
here's one i've been working on.
ok so there's this trade publication for the hospitality industry.
it comes out once a quarter, but just now they're doing their annual "best hotel" awards
and there's a prize for best overall, and, you know, the hilton group wins every year...
but there are also categories for boutique hotels, budget, airbnbs, etc etc
and then there's a "fun" category called "best hotel for nonhuman guests"
and loads of luxury pet care places are entering in, overpriced kennels basically, taking it really seriously...
but also ppl are sending pictures of insect hotels they've built with their kids in their back yards and stuff, it's a bit of fun.
and then this one person sends in an entry, which they say is "an overnight guesthouse for footwear"
...
and one of the judges turns to the other and says "right, this one's definitely going to win it"
the other judge says "why?"
...
...
... ...
"it's a shoe inn."
thankyouthankyou.
"Well, at least you could try."
"Well, at least you could try."
Dad: Do you know why the Germans are fuming right now? Me: No? Dad: They are upset that sausages and cheese have become so expensive. Me: I see, makes se... My dad interrupting me: They call it the wurstkΓ€se-scenario :D Me:...
I went to see Santa last night. He had a prostitute carrying a Dove bar and Sure deodorant. One whore, soap and spray.
A plumber walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, I'm glad you're here. I wanted to know what it would cost for you to take a look at our sewer line that keeps backing up," the bartender says. "Well, it would be $100 an hour if I fix it right now," the plumber replies. "Otherwise it will be two weeks until I'm free." "Okay," the bartender replies. "I'll give you a ring in two weeks," and walks off. "Why didn't you have him fix it today?" a nearby waitress asks the bartender. "It's worth waiting two weeks to see if he's going to do it for free," the bartender replies.
My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!
I told two of my kids I had a message for them. So I sang to them, "Where ever you go, what ever you do, I will be right here waiting for yooooou!" Then I followed it with, "Love, The Dishes".
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.