Honking the horn won't make me text any faster.
Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I present you, the grief-case
How do you expect me to lose weight, when all the pills you prescribe me, must be taken with food?
Hearing this, a little girl leans over to her mother and loudly asks: "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
She has obviously moved on already, and you should, too
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
But his Net income always put me off.
Your sex change operation was a partial success.
Wife: I have to tell you something. Im pregnant. Husband: hi pregnant! I'm dad! Wife: no you're not.
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
You look for the fresh prints
Dear Sir,
this is the federal prosecutor's office, informing you that you've been convicted and charged on seven counts of piracy.
Detective: Dear god
Officer: Yes most likely
“Don’t look down!” said my friend above me.
So I started smiling.
play-penitentiary.
Now they are sending me threatening letters
You will be mist.
No Idea
“Looks like rain dear”
No eye-dear.
What do you call a dear with no eyes and legs?
Still no eye-dear.
Dear Lord as week seek to produce puns worthy of your praise, lettuce relish this opportunity. We ask that you would cause humor to sprout in the hearts of those who think us nuts. Continue to cultivate in us passion, fruit which beets back sadness and joy which leeks into others. Though some may say we are corny we know you will give us sage wisdom. Give us the confidence to know we are kale’in it as we bring choy to the world and live apply ever after.
Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
(Yes, I stole this from another sub:))
which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.
Its Christmas eve and santa claus has forgotten to check the weather before his Christmas run . Just before leaving he asks Mrs claus "what's the weather like for tonight?" "Rain dear" she replies
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
Dear son,
Merry Christmas!
PS: do your homework.
PPS: do your chores.
PPPS: go outside and play and stop playing video games
PPPPS: you're a fatboy, fattie. You eat too much crap food.
PPPPPS: we're shipping you off to military school next year!
I will find you. You have my Word.
That made him the centaur for disease control
Thanks for nothing
Everyone knows the interrupting cow knock knock joke but we like making up KKJs for other cows. Here are some of ours; please add more so I can continue to surprise and delight the young people near and dear to me. TIA!
(Obviously each joke goes "Knock knock" etc. I'll just write the "cow" part and the punchline)
-
French cow: le moo
-
Backwards cow: oom
-
Upside down cow: woo
-
Sad cow: moo hoo hoo
-
Ghost cow: moo-oo-oo-oooo
-
Police cow: moo ee oo ee oo ee oo
-
Cow on a motorbike: (make zooming moo)
-
Cow in disguise: Baa
-
Horse in disguise: Moo
-
Invisible cow: (quickly cover child's eyes) Moo
-
Inaudible cow:
R.I.P, I wish i could say that i missed you my dear friend.
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
“It looks like it’s going to rain” his wife said how do you know?
He replied “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear....
Still No Idea
