D&D pun
π︎ 27
π
︎ Dec 04 2019
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling π³ '
Thank you for the awards
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 17 2020
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jan 19 2021
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Nov 20 2020
When I was a kid I thought weβd all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
π︎ 342
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︎ Jan 14 2021
Boss said heβd fire me if I made any more country puns
It was the end of my Korea
π︎ 50
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︎ Jan 13 2021
My son asked me if I knew any good chemistry jokes as he'd just had his first chemistry class. I thought about telling him one about alkalinity...
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
π︎ 39
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︎ Jan 07 2021
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
....and the second one Duplikate.
π︎ 485
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︎ Dec 01 2020
I was tasked to come up with a great pun for a new launch of Microsoft Office, I thought Iβd come up with a great one.
But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
Itβd be a shame
π︎ 47
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︎ Jan 04 2021
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if sheβd had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, βSo youβre de-Claritin that youβve had it already?β
π︎ 25
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︎ Jan 17 2021
Whatβs with all the talk about horny bugs in Washington D.C.?
I keep hearing about the capital insect erection.
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 19 2021
D cells, D cells...
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 05 2021
**Genie: I will grant you 2 wishes** **Me: I want to be rich.** **Genie: Okay granted, second wish?** **Rich: I'd like loads of money.**
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Wow never thought I'd get this far
π︎ 108
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︎ Nov 14 2020
If i could, Iβd make sure everyone had a dolphin.
Because everybody needs a porpoise to their life
π︎ 11
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︎ Dec 19 2020
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z
π︎ 11
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︎ Dec 25 2020
Not long until you get RAMβd
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 21 2020
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
π︎ 38
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︎ Dec 03 2020
I went to a smoke shop only to discover itβd been replaced by an apparel store.
π︎ 98
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︎ Nov 19 2020
Who'd want to be Trump's security guard ?
you shout "Donald, Duck" & everybody would just laugh
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
2 years ago my doctor told me Iβd go deaf
I havenβt heard from him since.
π︎ 101
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︎ Nov 15 2020
I posted 10 puns thinking they'd get into hot
π︎ 15
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
I'd smoke a cigarette every time after sex...
Thanks to my wife I've stopped smoking.
π︎ 22
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︎ Dec 12 2020
For all the time they spend in a school, you'd think that fish are really smart.
But it turns out, they're all below C level.
π︎ 22
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︎ Dec 14 2020
I'd like to tell you my favorite tongue-twister.
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 13 2020
Since they are filming Spider-Man 3 near my house, I thought Iβd write the lead actor an orchestral piece...
I think Iβll call it βMr. Hollandβs Opusβ
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
Iβd tell you jokes about circles
But itβs just pointless
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 07 2020
A lad asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled L.S.D.?"
Granny replied, "Never mind the pills. Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
On reflection, there's a lot of stuff I'd like to have done differently this past year.
But hey, hindsight is 2020
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 31 2020
My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.
I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 30 2020
I was watching an EzPz vid on r/Im14andthisisdeep, and thought I'd make a meme.
π︎ 32
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︎ Oct 09 2020
I'd like to plug my wife's attempt to cross the Atlantic in a bath tub.
But it's too late....she sank.
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 25 2020
Mom said she'd throw her son from a cliff if he didn't eat his vegetables ...
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 28 2020
If Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII was involved with politics, heβd be a republican.
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 11 2020
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called '1001 cures for itches."
I guess, I've got to start again from scratch.
π︎ 47
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︎ Nov 16 2020
So thereβs this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that heβd vanish on the count of three. βUnoβ βDosβ
And then he vanished, without a tres.
π︎ 59
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
Owl to cop: βIβd like to report an incident..β
Cop: Giggling βDo you know HOO dunnit?β
Owl: βSir, eight people were murderedβ
Cop: O_O
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 22 2020
Iβd say something sweet about the new Jacket I got for Christmas..
But I donβt want to sugar coat it.
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 26 2020
I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex"
She replied: βAt least itβll be quick.β
π︎ 65
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
Vitamin D gives me so much energy...
It should really be called Vitamin A+!
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 19 2020
My wife asked me if Iβd seen the dog bowl..
I said βI didnβt know he could.β
π︎ 22
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl...
βDidn't even know he played cricket" I replied
π︎ 23
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︎ Dec 12 2020
2 years ago my doctor told me Iβd go deaf
I havenβt heard from him since.
π︎ 144
π
︎ Nov 13 2020
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
........and the second one DupliKate.
π︎ 80
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
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