That would be a Miss STEAK!
They say I shank him.
I always see Himalayan there.
Cause that's when the steaks are highest.
Edit: Well this is rare, I wasn't sure how well done this joke was. Thanks for the face palm.
Shredded Beef.
He is Sirloin.
is it still considered beef?
Told by my 12 year old brother, he got poor reactions from my siblings but I assured him the joke was well done.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡You tell one, pretty soon they all herd.
It's a bunch of bull, really.
Udder devastation
We're unpacking our bags on our cruise ship. I complain that all my clothes are wrinkled and there's no ironing board in the cabin. She replies:
"Don't worry. Everyone here's in the same boat."
She was already starting to laugh before she stopped talking.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit ➡Ground beef.
Hahahahaha
My 8 year old won't stop telling me this joke.
Okey so theres a mom cow and her kid at a gym and the shes working on her calf and they’re about to leave but then the baby cow starts rolling on the ground throwing a tantrum [mom cow/mc] Stop rolling on the floor and move! [baby cow/bc]* keeps rolling around crying* [mc] theres a good chance if you dont stop You’ll be grounded beef [bc] realizing the steaks are high he stops rolling around and gets up a manager has seen all of this [manager] Hay mam, just wanted to say you milked the situation on the spot. [mc] she states that this would be a tail to tell
Dad: Chuckling as he reads the menu
Me: What's so funny?
Dad: What do you call a cow masturbating in a field?
Me: blank stare
Dad: Beef stroganoff
He started carving it, then got to the legs. He chopped one off and loudly said 'AHA! YOUR GOING NOWHERE NOW!'
Sigh.
So, I don't if this is the appropriate place for this, but I need a boat-load of cow puns for a D&D campaign. Any all and jokes are both welcomed and needed.
They can be as subtle or as obvious or as cringey as you'd like.
Examples:
A slingshot built from straps set up between the pair of Minotaur horns. A Bullista, if you will.
A character named Timothy Jacobs (Timoothy Jacowbs)
There is a ritual among Minotaur where they fight over the best food served. This is called a Cudstody battle.
Thank you for your help!
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky.
I asked her what she got and she told me ginger beef. Ginger beef? I don't think I've ever seen an orange cow before.
Edit: wording
The beef cattle farmer thought it was a silly policy and would greatly reduce his income from selling meat overseas....
The pig farmer disagreed, he thought it was a great opportunity for livestock farmers to benefit from higher profit margins in a strong domestic market with fewer overheads.
Feeling very passionate after a few beers, the beef farmer says to the pig farmer:
“This time in 12 months, the government will have repealed this policy because it’s such a terrible idea... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and they don’t repeal it, I’ll give you my prized cow, Daisy. But if I’m right, and they do repeal it, you have to give me free bacon for a year”.
The pig farmer is confident that the policy will be a success and won’t be repealed. So he says “deal”.
The beef farmer carries on:
“Actually, I think this policy is going to be such a terrible failure that I’ll need to sell half of my cows to stay afloat... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and this policy doesn’t mean I need to sell half my cows, I’ll give you free steaks for a year. But if I’m right, and I do need to sell half my cows, you have to give me your prized boar, pumba”.
The pig farmer is confident that the beef farmer won’t need to sell any cows. So he says “deal”.
12 months pass following the introduction of the live export ban. The government hasn’t repealed the policy, but unfortunately the beef farmer has had to sell most of his cows.
Both farmers reconvene at the pub. The beef farmer says to the pig farmer:
“Well, it seems you were right about one thing but wrong about the other...
So... You may have won the cattle, but you’ve lost the boar!”.
Oh MOOgosh. This might just sound like a load of Bull, but please STEER me out.
Deja Moo (Sung to the tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-air)
Now these are puns all about COWS
Their milk gets flipped, churned all around.
And I’d like to take a minute but I won’t stop and prattle
And tell you this story you haven’t HERD about cattle.
In IstanBULL I was born and BRAISED.
In the pastures back then in my HAYDAYS.
Chewing cud, RUMPING round, and making a fuss.
TANNING out so UDDERLY ridiculous.
When a couple of HEIFERS who had BEEF with me
Started BULLying on my Brand , you see.
I got TIPPED over once and my mom got scared
She said you're MOOvin your behind, your butt, your DAIRY Air.
I whistled for a calf and when it came near
Thought she was a babe, but HE was a STEER!
If anything I can say this STEAK is rare
But that Bovine was BO-FINE so I didn’t care!
I got milked a few times, maybe 7 or 8
More like long-gonehorn, than reliable date.
So I CHUCKED out the udder half of the pasture,
Bevo ain’t a cow, don’t got what I’m after.
Fun fact: a Dairy Cow can produce 125lbs of saliva a day.
And we're not talking little finger twitches, these are big, full body jerks. The kind you get when you feel like you're falling and wake up suddenly.
After a particularly big one, I asked "Are you a cow?"
She said "No, why?"
"Because if you were you would be beef jerky."
Without missing a beat, she asks: "Because of how much I moooove?"
We were driving home the other day from a weekend of camping. Almost the entire drive home is through back roads and Country Roads and little towns... when we one of the many farms we drove by , there was a little river running through the farm and at least 50 cows lying down sunning themselves along the edge of the river.
I turned to my wife and exclaimed " that's a lot of ground beef!"
My friend (L) and I (B) ended up in a pun war. She had to wake up super early to catch a flight, and this was at about one in the morning:
L: I should definitely set my alarm to 'cow' o.O
B: Haha, do it. Nothing like waking up to cows in the 'moo'rning.
L: Oh my gosh. Absolutely not.
B: Hey, but it would be so 'udder'ly hilarious!
L: I just got stabbed to death by a pun.
B: I'm just trying to 'milk' it for all it's worth...
L: If I did that, I'm not sure I'd wake up in a happy 'moo'od.
B: Just drink some 'calf'inated coffee, and you'll be fine.
L: I'd be laughing 'stock' of the town... Cows don't have a sense of humor.
B: Bull!
L: I'll just use my cowculator do determine how much sleep I'm actually going to get tonight...
B: You could wake up a little later, but you'd have to 'hoof' it to the airport.
L: Hope the weather is good, so my plane isn't 'ground'ed 'beef'.
B: That's stretching it... You should make more of an 'heifer't to come up with good puns.
L: I know when I'm getting creamed.
B: It's hard to 'steer' you in the right direction, because you keep changing topics.
L: That's udderly ridiculous. I'm just trying to mooove on.
B: And I just keep churning 'em out...
L: No, you're just spinning your 'veal's.
B: That's one of the best ones I've herd all night!
L: I thought I might've butchered it...
B: PETA might have a beef with you because of it, though...
L: Well done, well done...
B: I don't think they care leather or not you personally slaughtered it, too.
L: See now, I wish you'd stop 'grilling' me about the bad puns... You should 'patty' yourself on the back. I 'dairy' you to come up with more.
B: Well, you can certainly steak a claim for being able to hold your own...
L: I'm a natural 'barn' comedian. However, I really should quit 'yak'king and go to bed. :p
B: Okay, that's not cows... You lose. You 'cud' have done a lot better.
L: The grass is greener on the other side, okay? Also, cows live in barns, and yaks are related to cows.
B: It was still quite a stretch... Don't have a cow about it.
L: Ha anymoo. Goodnight! Also, don't die of mad cow disease.
was driving down a back road by my house while it was snowing and my father randomly points out the window at some cows and proclaims "Look refrigerated beef!" I couldn't decide whether I should laugh or smack him.
Me: masturbating cow.
Her: ...
Me: Beef Strokin-Off!
Dad and I would be innocently walking around the food store and happen upon the prepared foods aisle when he would notice the Hamburger Helper boxes. He'd laugh to himself, just thinking about the lame joke he always tells before it even comes out of his mouth.
"What do you call a masturbating cow?!"
Normally the way a joke works is you wait for someone to interact with you, answer your question or at least acknowledge that you're telling a joke - not my dad. He yells at himself at the top of his lungs.
"BEEF STROGANOFF!! ...MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
Really loudly. Way louder than any person should ever speak indoors. ..I miss him.
...buying supplies for a Sunday barbecue including a lot of ground beef.
Cashier: Oh! Looks like someone's having a barbecue.
Dad: Nope, just building a cow.
We were on our way back from the movies, and we passed a group of cows with some of them sitting and others standing
Mom: Look, ground beef!!
Upon seeing cows lying in a field:
Cousin, sister, myself (whoever unwittingly made the joke in his presence): "Oh look! Ground beef!"
Uncle: "Thank God it's not beef stroganoff..."
Beef Stroganoff
Ground meat.
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef
What do you call a cow that has been knighted?
Sir Loin
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef Jerky
What do you call a cow that dies in a helicopter crash?
Kobe Beef
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean Beef
I have never had a beef with one.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom.
ground beef
A) No idea.
Q) What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A) still no idea.
What do you call a....
deer with no eyes? No idea
deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea
cow with no legs? Ground beef
donkey with three legs? A wonky
fish with no eyes? A fsh
fly with no wings? A walk
sheep with no legs? A cloud
What do you call a cheese that's not yours? Nacho cheese
What does cheese say when it looks in the mirror? Halloumi
What's the best cheese to...
hide a horse? Mask a pony (mascarpone)
get a bear out of a tree? Come on bear (camembert)
Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean beefz
Lean beef What do you call a cow with no legs. Ground beef. What do you call a cow with one leg. Steak. What do you call a cow with two legs. Your mom.
One day, the cow left a fake skeleton in the field, and the farmer thought the cow got torn apart by wild beasts. Sighing as he dropped his shotgun, he said,"Great. How am I gonna have beef with you?"
"What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!"
What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom What do you call a cow with one leg? A Steak What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef What do you call a cow in an earthquake? A milk shake What do you call a cow that just had a baby? De-calf (inated)
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean beef
What do you call a guy with no legs?
Ground Chuck
What do you call an overweight person with no legs?
Ground round
ground beef
what do you call a cow with three legs
lean beef
what do you call a cow with two legs
yo mama
haha .. itsa yo mama joke .. lol
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call it when a cow jumps on a trampoline? Milkshake
That cow then jumped over a barbed wire fence. It was udder devastation.
I know, I really milked it.
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with one leg?
Steak.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with five legs?
A mootation.
What do you call a cow with four legs?
A cow.
What do you call a cow that tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.
What do you call a cow with no legs??
Ground beef
What do u call a cow with no legs ground beef
Lean beef!
And here’s a bonus joke:
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Lean Beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef
Why didn't the pregnant cow want to take aerobics?
She didn't want to sprain her calf.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
de-calf-inated
Why do cows wear bells?
because their horns don't work
What do you call 200 cows jerking off?
Beef strokin' off (stroganoff).
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Q: what do you call a cow with no legs. A: ground beef!
So I was playing Red Dead Redemption, and my dad walked in right as I accidentally corralled a cow off a cliff. He said.
"you know what they call a cow that falls off a cliff?"
"ground beef"
Dad: What do you call a cow with no legs.........!!!???!!
Everyone in the car:........wwhuut?
Dad: GROUND BEEF
Everyone:...........................ha!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he won't come anyways!
