Council Of The European Union Puns

#Council of the European Union - ECOFIN

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###Secure teleconference hosted by Überkonferenz GmbH, 08.04.2020

 

Honourable ministers,

As you are well aware of, today we resume the negotiations, which were commenced yesterday to deal with the emerging economical issues, stemming from the COVID-19 spreading all over Europe and consequently forcing whole economies to practically shut down or operate in an overly limiting mode.
The health of all EU citizens is of utmost priority to us and must take absolute precedence over other steps and measures taken in correlation with the disease.

After the unruly night, during which most of us didn't receive nearly enough healthy sleep, allow me to reiterate on the points discussed and (dis)agreed upon during yesterday's conference.
 

##European Stability Mechanism

The €-Umbrella, designed to shield the Eurozone from large-scale crises. After applying for loan, any country that is a member of the Eurozone can borrow from the €410 Bn. large pool under one of the 5 programmes under which applicants are evaluated by the IMF, ECB, and the European Commission, up to 2% of it's own GDP. A vote on the specific conditions follows up, with states having voting strength proportional to their funding for the ESM. This is severely limited by the conditions which the country subsequently has to follow to repay the debt. Yesterday, the common agreement among us was an ease on the conditions, or even repeal some of them altogether to make the ESM more accessible to Spain and Italy, who will now have a major task ahead of them to reinvigorate the economy after the crisis is over.

##European Investment Bank

Up to €200 Bn. in loans will be available for small and medium enterprises throughout the Union if the EU states are prepared to take according guarantees for the funds. In contrast to the ESM, this is a measure that will offer help to all countries of the European Union, regardless of their membership in the Eurozone od the ERM II.

##SURE

Pending approval, "Support mitigating Unemployment Risks in Emergency" is a funding plan under which businesses will be supported with up to €100 Bn. to avoid firing their employees in crisis situations. Like the EIB lo

The impending and likely collapse of the United States, in light of years of escalating belligerence from the East, have sparked the government of the Federal Republic of Germany to call an emergency meeting of the Council of the European Union - an organization of all the heads of state of the members of the Union - to discuss a possible response to the ongoing crisis across the Atlantic. Plans on what Europe's new direction in economic and defense policy in a world without American involvement will need to be addressed as well.

The Chancellor of the Federal Republic of Germany, Angela Merkel, has presented her preliminary program proposal on the Union's response to the events in the United States:

• An immediate declaration that the European Union respects the sovereignty and territorial integrity of the United States, and contact with the Federal government to immediately seek reproach with the sources of unrest across their territory.
• An escalation of the Permanent Structured Cooperation program - making all of its programs mandatory for all of the member states to sign up to, allowing the European Union to swiftly lay down the foundations for a pan-European army, while also recognizing the national sovereignty of all of its member states and their armed forces.
• Should the worst possible outcome take place and civil conflict break out in the United States, a common agreement needs to be made beforehand on what actions the European Union should take to retake the torch as the world's leading democratic power - including drawing the US's former allies such as Canada, Australia, Japan and South Korea to their sphere, expand programs composing the Eurosphere such as the Eastern Partnership and the Mediterranean Partnership programs, and further expansion of PESCO.

Alternative proposals are welcome.

Republic of Turkey

Ambassador to the United Nations

[May/June 2032]

The Republic of Turkey feel it is necessary to brief the United Nations Security Council, tasked with keeping security around the world when there is consensus, regarding armed action taken in self defense against the Republic of Iraq. European Union foreign policy representatives will also be briefed similarly.

Turkey believes that Iraq is showing signs of returning to its ways under the rule of Saddam Hussein.

• Iraq has shown a strange fascination in nuclear power, insisting on its necessity despite Iraq's vast energy wealth and much higher priority spending items being obvious.

• While this is not on its own reason for alarm, Iraq has launched an aggressive ballistics missile program, itself of little use to be used in a conventional capacity. Iraq in private agreed to cancel this program, only to recently restart it. There has been activity at this facility and we are confident that it is missile activity.

• Little has changed in Iraq's strategic image of late, except for its deterioration in relations with Turkey. Thus, we believe, this ballistic missile program is aimed at Turkey. Turkey is acting within its rights as a sovereign United Nations member to engage in self-defense, as Iraqi possession of long-range missile capabilities would mean that population centers around the Middle East are already at risk.

• Iraq has recently pursued sectarian policies and is ruled by radical Shia cleric Muqtada al-Sadr. We have reason to believe that Iraq could use violence against non-Shia minorities, such as Sunnis, Turkmen and Kurds.

• Turkey, in line with international norms, has exhausted political and economic means of conflict resolution, being left with no choice but to strike these production facilities.

• Iraq continues to illegally-occupy the Khuzestan province of UN-member Iran. Iraq has worked closely with regional Arab partners and even Israel to collect a coalition to strike Iran. [News was leaked by the Canadians that Israel, which has been allowed to setup a military presence in Iraq, was gathering a coalition to illegally attack Iran](https://www.reddit.com/r/worldpowers/comments/all1pd/roleplay_source_close_to_ministry_for_fore