“You herd me!"
Nova-cain
Me: Then be as loud as them, it will cancel each other out
Gf: what kind of logic is that?
Me: Sound logic
The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."
It is breathtaking.
She tells me the thing is driving her up the wall.
I told her exponents are easier when you look to a higher power.
Personally, I'm on the fence.
My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(
Dad looked at me, shrugged and said “Inflation.”
I said to him, "So no one told you life was gonna be this way?"
[Insert claps here]
It turned out to be a Naan issue.
He just has a chip on his shoulder.
It really sucks
But the truth is, I've a terrible sense of direction.
I always get lost in my thoughts.
He said, 'These just socks'.
And then the Drill stepped in and said "Don't mind him. He's just a tool".
That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.
I really like her fairer moans
“Dad, any salad can be a Caesar salad. You just have to stab it enough times”.
It was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away
I think he’s just milking it.
“I must have taken Lief off my census”.
Me: it’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: it’s a sockrifice.
(This was an actual joke made by my actual dad today.)
A poor workman blames his stools.
Crimea River
Tough titties.
"Because they were acting like mugs."
She said “well just paint it, Red”.
That guy sucks Dick!
but they're the ones that keep requesting contactless delivery!
Weird way to start a conversation.
I said, “OK, Zoomer.“
You can say.... I’m behind The Times.
I herd you.
I told him he needs to grow a pear
I said next time we’ll buy white, it’s much lighter!
"How could you let your wife leave without saying goodbye?" I see her off, Anon.
Or at least that's what I read in her diary
He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.
He then explains that he’s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.
The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.
The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits until 12.00 and uses his stethoscope to listen to the thigh.
Sure enough, at 12.00 the Doctor hears the thigh say “Have you got 10 bucks. Can I borrow 10 bucks, I really need the money”.
The Doctor doesn’t understand what’s going on. Then the man says, at every quarter hour, my knee also asks for money. At 12.15, the Doctor listens to the mans knee through his stethoscope where he hears the knee say “Have you got 20 bucks. Can I borrow 20 bucks, I really need the money”.
The Doctor is even more befuddled.
Then the man says, at every half hour, my ankle asks for money. At 12.30, the Doctor listens to the mans ankle through his stethoscope where he hears the ankle say ‘Have you got 50 bucks. Can I borrow 50 bucks, I really need the money”.
The doctor tells the man he doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s something he’s never encountered before.
The Doctor asks the man to come back in a week where the Doctor will do some research in the interim.
A week later the man comes back and asks the Doctor if he has any news.
The Doctor says yes – he’d done some research into the problem and found that the mans leg was broke in 3 places
To be honest I had no idea my wife sold flowers.
I told her "okay, if you incyst"
Father says, “thaw it out, kiddo”.
I told her you need to listen to The Rolling Stones because you can’t always get what you want.
This actually just happened!!!
I was driving my 14yo home, and I was complaining because I recently hurt my shoulder.
Me: Ow, my shoulder is trash
Him: Maybe you'll have to amputate your arm
Me: That wouldn't help because I'd still have a stump to waive around. They'd have to amputate it at the shoulder.
Him: They wouldn't really do that, would they?
Me: Yep
Him: Baloney
Me: No, that would be down here and pointed to my shin
Then he started crying :-) I can die happy now!!!
