A list of puns related to "Circle Of One"
It seems pointless to me
2: an inside and an outside.
He was also fond of:
What looks like half a butterfly?
The other half.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert.
Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average? It was a mean thing to say!
Why was the math book depressed? It had a lot of problems.
Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it is never right.
Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper? He must be plotting something.
Why was the equal sign so humble? Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.
What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date? The odd couple
What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place? A Roamin’ numeral.
Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably.
What do you call dudes who love math? Algebros.
I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!
Why should you never talk to Pi? Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.
Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common? It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.
What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher? Use acute angle.
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.
How do you stay warm in any room? Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight ("ate") nine!
Why DID seven eat nine? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point.
Me: I need to make one of those diagrams that uses two overlapping circles.
Wife: Venn?
Me: Right now.
Wife: speechless eye roll
5 guys are standing in a circle talking. One guy is on his phone and is reading an article.
He says “1 out of 5 guys are gay”
Someone says “I hope it’s Jim, he’s really cute.”
There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle".
The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle.
So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared.
We had been cooking dinner, and my wife commented (after one too many comments about 'Gouda being gooda and Feta being Betta') that it seemed like most of my puns tend to be food puns.
So I drew her a diagram. I started with a huge circle to represent all of my puns. Inside that I drew a large circle filling about 90% of it.
"Those are my food puns."
I then drew another circle, this one about half the size of the food circle, with almost all of it inside the food circle.
"And these are my cheese puns."
My wife immediately called me out, pointing at the sliver that was outside of the food circle.
"Shouldn't this be fully inside the other circle?"
"No," I say, "Those puns are rare, but they tend to be cheesiest."
In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.
Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.
A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!
But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.
Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.
He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.
As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.
Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.
"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"
Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.
"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are
... keep reading on reddit ➡So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.
The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.
Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg
My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.
I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.
One of the kids brought down a plastic lightsaber toy. My one year old likes to spin around in circles. He did this, holding the lightsaber.
My wife said, "May the centrifugal force be with you."
Dad: "You know, we're actually descendants of one of the oldest native tribes in this part of the country, right?"
Me: "Really?"
Dad: "Yeah, The Fagawee tribe. I remember when I was little, your grandpa took me on a spiritual pilgrimage through the forest. He drank a lot and smoked some native herbs. The herbs didn't seem to be working, though, because as it got darker, we seemed to be walking in circles. It was cold in the woods and we seemed to keep coming across the same old log. Finally, in the middle of my dad's spiritual trance, he fell to his knees in a clearing, raised his hands high, and proclaimed "We're the Fawagwee!"
Translation: ("Where the fuck are we?")
My girlfriend and I were arguing this morning.
The kind of argument where only one of us is upset and the other thinks its hilarious.
To taunt me, she asked "How mad are you"?
I tried being tough when I replied "soooo mad right now".
With a grin she asks "like super mad"?
Not seeing the trap before me I respond "Yes, I am super mad"!
This backfired horribly as she proceeded to take the towel on her head and tie it around her neck as a cape. Then she ran circles in the kitchen with her arms extended, pretending to fly yelling "You're a bird! You're a plane! Youuuuuuuu're SUPER MAAAD!"
Pretty sure she forgot I was even there.
She wins this round.
Picture this.
A fancy Christmas dinner party at his new wife's opulent, sandstone estate house. Plates are being cleared from the lengthy, mahogony table that seats the fourteen well-to-do guests, the main course having just finished. All have feasted gloriously on our Christmas fare.
My Dad, playing the good host, picks up two bottles of wine, one white and one red, and proceeds to do a round of the table, chatting amiably with everyone as he circles. Those whose glasses are less than 90% full, he proceeds to top-up. I am sitting in the very centre of the long table, seated directly opposite a very well off lady in her early sixties, by the name of Margaret. My dad, having just topped off my glass, is now standing directly behind me.
This older woman, full of grace and charm, looks to my Dad and says, "Thank you so much for this glorious meal, John. It's been simply divine."
My Dad, "Not at all, Margaret, not at all. Could I charge your glass?"
Margaret, "Oh, no no, thank you. I've got the bottle in front of me!"
My Dad, quick of wit, and with a sneaky - yet charming - grin on his face, responds, "Ah, well, better that than a frontal lobotomy!"
I've never been more proud of him.
We went to Stratco (fence & roofing company) this morning, to look at and price up a new side fence. You know how you can get decorative top panels, well there is one that is just a bunch of linked circles that my wife liked.
I vetoed it though; I thought the neighbours might find it a bit o-ffencive...
One time I was painting the fence and that old dog we had walked right up to the bowl of gas I had there to wash paint brushes in and started to drink from it! At first he started to run around in circles very fast and then he just stopped moving.... "What happened Dad?" He ran out of gas.
A bit of backstory. I'm notorious among my circle of friends for telling "terrible puns/jokes" I think it's amazing, but I'd been rolling them out all day, patience for puns must've gotten shortened.
I'm talking with Shorty (named because she had short hair) and she was telling me about a book she had started.
Shorty "So the book's called 'Cutting for Stone' and it's like a doctor drama kinda thing, the only issue is that that it's super heavy on the medical terminology, so many bloody surgeries and procedures are listed, and I don't really know anything about that kids stuff. Like it's got an interesting plot but I don't know if I can't finish it, I'm not to sure I'm cut out for it"
At that last line I began laughing (her pun was unintentional) and compliment her on it "ha that was good. You're not 'cut out' for it"
Shorty "Oh god that was terrible just stop"
Me "You want me to 'cut' it out?"
Shorty "I'm going to kill you if you keep this up woman"
Me "You're gonna 'cut' me up?"
Shorty "Your jokes are terrible and it's proven that puns make people angry"
At this point I was just rolling in my chair laughing I really couldn't keep it together, possibly the best reply rolls through my head after this comment, I crack up, there I am choking out as tears come to my eyes. "Well it's a good thing it's not a PUNishable offense"
The girl next to me starts laughing as shorty yells at me how I can't just start crying at my own jokes.
TLDR; A witty banter of sharper than usual humor, as I walk a razor thin line of pissing off my friend and pissing myself with laughter.
I have many other stories so I titled this part one,if anybody likes my writing and jokes I'll share the rest!
If you'd like to watch a video of him, here's one, or you could watch him on youtube.
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