Carly Manning Puns

and found out how a Mercedes bends.

The police are working tirelessly to catch him

He replied "Don't worry, I am patient ".

Carlos

Exhausted.

The son asked, "why don't you use a sponge instead?"

Peter, park her!

When the police took them both down to the station, they charged the man with assault and his car with a battery.

Jack

“man, that was tiring”

and then he asked “see what I did there?” A torch has been passed…

But officer, I just drank 10 beers and I swear I can see perfectly.

"Because you're the largest re-tailer in the world!"

"And Tigger?"

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk.” The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks." In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is

I replied with hybrid

Because it would drive him up the fucking wall.

Exhausted

We had to work tirelessly to find the culprit.

My son looks at me and says, “you know I’m blind right?” Me being me said “Exactly”

"You're going to get tired!"

He’s listed in serious but stable condition.

An astronomer walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, the grocery store is closed. Any chance I can buy some ground beef from your kitchen?" the astronomer asks the bartender. "I really need it to put in my shampoo tonight." "Gross, why?" the bartender asks. "For meatier showers," the astronomer replies.

After a while, he comes back and says: "I'm sorry, sir. This is my first day as a cab driver. The last 12 years I've driven a hearse..."

It goes without saying

Please give me the best dad jokes you got

Edit (10/8): WOW. I did not expect to get this many upvotes or awards, let alone this many dad jokes this early. Thank you all for helping me laugh/groan this entire coming weekend. Keep em coming!

Edit 2: 10K???!! I’m at a loss for words guys. Thank you so much for the love and making me laugh and groan my ass off for the next 3 months straight. Let’s make it 4! ♥️

When it's ajar

It wooden start.

The dad replies, "Well son, you see those two cars ahead of you. A drunk man would see four of them."

To that the son replies, "But dad, I can see only one car."

I once knew a man from Greece. Every day he had breakfast in my father's café. And every day he signed the bill: "σε μένα". Whenever we asked what it meant he just shook his head, laughed, and walked out.

After a few years we became good friends, and he invited me to his birthday meal at a fancy restaurant downtown. He wrote down the address and signed it again, "σε μένα", once again laughing on his way out. When I got there I met his family, including his daughter Helen. When it came time to pay the bill he signed it, as usual, "σε μένα"; as he did Helen looked down at his hands, and she let out a groan. I asked her what the problem was but she just shook her head and walked out. The next day the man told me his daughter had taken quite the fancy to me, and he wrote down her phone number. Once again he signed it, "σε μένα", laughing as he handed it to me.

Helen and I began dating and eventually married. And since he paid for the wedding her father saw to it that his motto was everywhere. It was written on the invitations, balloons, napkins, bunting, you name it. Even the cake had the words inscribed on its side, "σε μένα". I had never seen him so happy as he was on that day.

As a wedding present he left us the family home, and handed us the keys to it with a smile on his face as usual. Sure enough those two words were all over, "σε μένα": fridge magnets, post-it notes, plates, bowls, knives, forks, the front gate, the doormat, the postbox, the bird-bath, even the license plate on his old car. When Helen and I had our first son, he gifted us baby clothes with "σε μένα" written on them, still shaking his head and laughing.

On his deathbed, my father-in-law took my hand and thanked me for all I had done for him and his family. Framed on the wall next to him I saw it written again, "σε μένα".

And one last time I asked him what it meant.

And one last time, the man smiled, shrugged, and with his final breath he laughed and said,

"It's Greek to me."

King Toot-in-car-man

They are working tirelessly to catch him.

The cops have been working tirelessly to catch him

The cops are working tirelessly to catch him

Because there were no sponge around.

Police are working tirelessly to catch him

Police are working tirelessly to nab him.

Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Edit: spelling

His son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”

The police is working tirelessly to catch him.

Jack

Carlos

The son asks, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

The police are working tirelessly to catch him

The police are working tirelessly to catch him

The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Carlos

"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

Authorities have been working tirelessly to catch him.