Calling My Phone Puns

I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.

That was a Klaus call

Whenever my wife losses her phone and asks me to call her phone, I proceed to walk around the house yelling "PHONE!! WHERE ARE YOU?!?"

She rolls her eyes and yells at me to use my phone

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

"A TOE TRUCK!!??"

I was holy ghosted

So the fly is dead, the iphone is broken, and my son is furious.

[literal dad joke]

I was just now cooking breakfast in the kitchen when I heard my dad pick up a phone call. It was some telecom call center trying to sell us their optical FIBER.

His answer: “no thanks, we already have COTTON”. (I could hear the silence on the other end of the call, followed by an embarrassed laughter) The salesman didn’t get the joke, so my dad actually repeated it a couple times.

Good morning Europe

...

...

Boy, that was a real pair o dime shift

He is keeping me in the dark.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

women on the phone asks:

• "is (mother) home?"
• dad: "no, she just ran off"
• women: "oh, ok"

I dont think she got it.

edit: This is actually funnier how he said it in dutch (our native language). his words were "ze heeft ze benen genomen" which literally means " she has taken the legs".

Pig plays the drums, Horse sings, and Cow plays the guitar. They’re all exceptionally talented, and form a band, supplementing other spots from around the city. They play local dives, some free shows in the park, and they begin to get some traction. Pig suggests they record an album, and they send demos all over. One label is willing to give them a shot, and they open for a B List name on their tour. During the tour, they amass millions of fans, and by the time they record their first major studio album, they have a following so big that 3 of their songs top the charts. They soon find themselves headlining their own tour, as well as every major music festival.

The three friends are over the moon with their success. Never in their wildest dreams did they believe they’d find themselves rubbing shoulders with music greats. It doesn’t come without its downsides, though. Pig has turned to coke and pills to help him get through the long nights. Horse loves the party side of his new life, and his band mates often hide bottles from him when they’re not dragging him, drunk, to his bed. Cow is sad. Watching his friends fall apart, he misses being home and when things were more simple. Keeping his friends in line and covering for them is taking a toll on his own health.

After a year and a half on the road, the band is in the studio attempting to record their second album. Horse is fast asleep, drooling on the mixing board, hungover from the night before. Pig hasn’t even shown up. Cow has a breakdown, and shakes Horse awake. “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.” Horse waves him off, and falls back asleep. Cow packs up his guitar and buys a one-way ticket home.

A few days later, Pig is all over the news. He’s in jail for possession. Cow watches the news and shakes his head. He knew it was a sinking ship. Horse hears the news from their manager, who is also calling to tell him that he quit. He wakes up to the phone call, and texts Cow, pleading to have a conversation. Radio silence. Horse stumbles out of bed and heads for his favorite pub. He can’t believe that he’s down two friends, that the band has split up, and his life is in shambles. He sits at the bar. “I’ll have my usual,” he says. The bartender leans over to hand Horse a whiskey. “Hey buddy, why the long face?”

My brother said a liar and she goes no, Matt! Very proud of her.

My 7 year old daughter was getting ready for bed and was looking for her iPad. “Dad, can you call my iPad?” She asked me. I was ready for this moment. Without hesitation I replied “what do you want me to call it?” She looked at me blankly. “No…call my iPad” she protested. I cupped my hand to my mouth and bellowed “Emily’s iPad” over and over. She finally caught on and we shared a laugh. I called her iPad on my phone, it rang in the other room.

It's really "hi!" tech.

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"

It’s a WhatsApp Doc.

"Myrtle's Girdle Shop. Stretchy speaking!"

When he picked up he told me that "it showed up as 'private caller' when you called. I told your mother that we should reject the call because I only accept lieutenant caller and higher."

Credit to my friend's dad

"Hi Me, how's it goin'?"

So my mom had emergency surgery for an ovarian cyst this week. She's home since, and people are calling just to see how she is.

The day after the surgery, my mom is still weak and can't walk very well. The phone rings, so I pick it up for her, it's my aunt. After the usual "Hi, how are yous," she says to me, "So, how's her cyst-a?"

he replied "whens the funeral?"

Bro: Hey, what are you doing?

Me: Sitting in the waiting room of the wife's doctor.

Bro: Which doctor?

Me: No, just the regular doctor.

Bro: Damnit!

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

Back when i got engaged in 2009, my now-wife and i went for a picnic. I had the engagement ring wrapped in tinfoil in the picnic bag.

When we were done eating, i took it out but didn't unwrap it, and then i sneakily dialed her cell number. This was a bit we would do every now and then (call each other in the same room) so it wasn't that unusual.

She picks up the phone and says, "oh hello, why are you calling?"

To which i respond, "Oh i just felt like... [Unwraps tinfoil] Giving you a ring"

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

"A TOE TRUCK!!??"

I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

I called "JAKE'S PHONE!!"

I guess you could say that was poor product placement.

Phone!... Phone!... Phone where are you? My son is dying with laughter.

My dad says "Well they're two hours behind us so it will take a while for the call to get there."

Dad's phone rang while we were eating pizza. Its the 3rd time in half an hour.

Dad: "Everyone wants a pizza me."

"Oh, not much, just the price of gasoline."

Every. Single. Time.

You'd think I'd learn, but now it just feels wrong if I don't greet him that way...

(Picks up phone call)

Wife: Left my keys at home and just realized you’ve locked me out.

Me: Oh babe, I’m on the other side of town and plan to be here for a while.

Wife: That means I’ll be standing outside for a really long time… What do you think about that?

Me: I think that’s out-standing!

"Wesley's Phone??! WESLEY'S PHHHOOOOOOONE??!" was not what he was looking for apparently.

A guy walks into his dentist's office and says "Doc, I think I might be a moth."

The dentist replies, "ok.....so why did you come in here?"

The man says, "because the light was on."

and she says to me "Do we know anybody from there?"

"I don't think so, but now that I think about it I'm surprised they weren't the first ones to legalize weed."

Drop my house shoes.

Edit: O-HIGH-O, as in get high...I can't tell if having to explain it too the internet makes it better or worse

My daughter wanted a bird. She kept her grades up, so we followed through on our part to get her one. She wanted a cockatiel, but they were sold out everywhere. We find a place about an hour away. I called (on speaker phone) and asked the sales lady (daughter and wife were around me) if they still had the birds available. Lady said yes, she has 3. I asked if we could put one on hold and she said No, they don't do that.

I asked her if we were to leave our house and head up to the pet store an hour away will one be available and she said, yes... they more than likely won't sell out within an hour.

So, I responded "So, they're not exactly flying off the shelves......"

And nothing! Nothing from the sales lady, nor my family other than eye rolls.

no-one gets me!

TLDR: I said something I thought was witty. I was the only one who thought that.

Me: Dad, hey, what's up?

Dad: Health insurance premiums.

My 15 year old asked me to call the dog.

Me: What should I call him?!

15: ugh, dad, call him by his name!

Wife: But he doesn't have a phone, how can I call him?

9-year-old: Well he DOES have collar ID!

I couldn't be more proud of that child!

After my first term ended I decided to move back to my home town. A few weeks later I saw a news article, a zoo had been broken into and all the animals had escaped, noticing the zoo was right near my old house I decided to call my old flat mate and ask if he was okay. When he answered he seemed terrified, but no matter how many times I asked he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. In the end I got frustrated and hung up.

I later discovered he was seriously injuried in a vicious animal attack right after that phone call and I felt terrible for hanging up the phone, but I tried my best, he wouldn't tell me why he was scared he just kept telling me "bear-with-me, bear-with-me" and a man can only wait so long