Boss Man Puns

Pac-Man.

The boss exclaims, "Problem? There is no such thing. We call it an opportunity!"

The man says, "Okay then. I have a serious drinking opportunity."

(That's the joke... if you didn't get it, you are unmarried!)

Boss: Hard Drive?

Man: No, the commute was ok. It’s my laptop.

Extended release, director's cut.

Waitress: sorry sir, we are out of baby potatoes, would you like to replac-

Boss: what about grown up potatoes, do you have those?

On Monday morning, a man came to work with two black eyes. His boss asked what had happened. The man replied: "On Sunday, at church, I was sitting behind a tall woman. As we stood up to sing a hymn, I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass, so I tried to be nice and pulled it out for her. Then she turned around and punched me in the eye." The boss asked, "Okay, so where did you get that other black eye from?" "Well," the man said, "I guess she didn't want to pull it out, so I pushed it back in."

Yuri Gagarin is the first man into space…

A very excited Polish worker runs into work and yells to his boss

“Hey Boss, the Russians have flown into space!!!”.

“All of them?” asks the boss

“No, Only one…” Says the worker

“Then why are you bothering me”… says the Boss

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

After standing in line for a moment he comes up to a teller with the name tag Patrica Wack who asked him what he was looking for.

The frog takes a moment and says, “I’d like a loan of a million dollars.”

Patrica look at him in utter shock and says, “But you’re a frog… what is your collateral? How are you going to pay it back?”

The frog waits for her to stop speaking then states simply, “My father is Mick Jagger.”

“How can you prove it?“ Patrica instantly responded.

Responding to her incredulity, the frog pulls out a small porcelain porcupine and places it in front of her, allowing a moment of inspection. Soon she asks, “What does this mean?” Looking to the frog for an explanation.

“Ask your boss,” He says. “he’ll know.”

Then, without waiting even a moment he turned on his heels and walked out of the bank. Patrica, dumbfounded by the strange interaction put the small porcupine to the side of her desk and waited for the end of the day…

—————————

At the end of the day Patrica went to her boss and recounted the whole strange story about the frog and handed her boss the porcupine, asking, “So what is it anyway?”

Her boss looked at the small porcupine for a moment then looked back up at her before responding,

“That’s a knickknack Patty Wack, give that frog a loan, his old man’s a rolling stone.”

P.S. While it may not exactly be a dad joke as expected, I did hear it from my father, who put great emphasis into the importance of the story. Hope y’all enjoyed.

I have a hunch it might be me.

Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.

"Alright boss," says the man, "how are me teeth looking?"

The dentist grimaces. "You appear to have a huge hole in one tooth. I think we need to find out the root cause."

"Cavity?" asks the man.

"Indeed," says the dentist.

"Cheers guvnor, I take it with six sugars."

A man is working in the shoe factory, talking with his supervisor from across the line. As he works on the incomplete shoe, he strikes up a conversation with his boss. "Anything new in your world Bob?" he asks. "Yeah, actually! I just finished my degree and am starting a 2nd job as a therapist!", he responds. The man, moving on to the bottom of the shoe is shocked. "Wow, that's great! You know, I've actually been having trouble getting over Jess-" he starts, before Bob interrupts "Let it go man. It's time to heel".

DISCLAIMER: not my joke, but I forgot where I heard it from. If any of you know, comment and I'd appreciate it

So a frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. Her name is Mrs. Wack. He says "Hi, I'd like a loan"

She says "I dont know, you're a frog"

"Well, I want a loan"

"Okay, then. What's your name?"

"Kermit."

"As in "Kermit the Frog" Kermit?"

"No, my parents named me Kermit after Kermit. My name's Kermit Jagger. My father's Mick Jagger and my mother's a frog. Anyways, I want a loan for a lily pad"

"Well, do you have any collateral?"

"Well, I have this..." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small pink elephant.

"I dont know if I can accept this. Let me go in back and check with my boss"

Mrs. Wack goes into the back office where her boss is sitting.

"This frog came in, he says his names Kermit Jagger. He says he wants a loan and he gave me this as collateral" she holds up the pink elephant and gives it to her boss who inspects it for a moment

The boss turns to her and speaks. "Knick-Knack! Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

There is this black guy who details cars in our parking lot for the surrounding businesses. My boss was coming back from lunch and noticed this gentleman needed help starting his client's car, so my boss got his cables out and gave the man a jump. When he told the office this I said "Thank you for putting an end to the stereotype that white men can't jump." Everyone gave a collective "ugh!"

and I had to be the one to tell my boss about the mutated eels. After I gathered all my courage, I said to him

“Sir, the eels have fur all over them and are humanoid too!”

My boss looked so surprised, and was silent for a minute or two. Finally, he asked me

“Fur-eel man?”

So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasn’t much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this lad’s eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the family’s prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasn’t enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the “American dream” and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said “Mike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

Me: Hey boss man. Why did the business man decide to not buy a wig?

Him: uh I don't know....

Me: He didn't want toupee for it.

Him: This is your last day here.

It was good while it lasted. Bonus points, my boss is bald.

SO i work in a store and basically:

A new girl had started and was scanning through this couples items. Last on the list was a £5 jar of Nescafe Gold. As she scanned it through the man went to grab it and it fell and broke. I instantly turned round to her, looked her dead in the eye and said "Now thats what I call... Ground Coffee"

My boss started laughing as did everyone at my Till and she was laughing shouting "Its not funny".

I do this every time she drops a jar of coffee.

The funniest and cutest wedding puns by Puns Ville

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right so I left

Marriage is: Finding the one person to ANNOY for the rest of your life!

To some, marriage is a word. To others, a sentence.

When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

Honeymoon: The holiday a man takes before he begins to work for a new boss.

When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

What do you call a melon that’s not allowed to get married? Cantelope.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe

To many girls think the word ‘marriage’ has a nice ring to it.

Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!

Two nuclear technicians got married. She was radiant and he was glowing.

Two florists got married. It was an arranged marriage.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Two pianists had a good marriage. They always were in a chord.

When a psychic showed me the girl I’ll marry, it was love at second sight.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, ‘Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.’

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ The husband replied, ‘Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.’

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’.  Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second marriage is

For reference: Link to wiki

Some of these are done in a kind of "news headline"-style:

• Choir leader fired after using too much sexual innuendo; "Lewd Ex Cantor."

• Video on demand about a street where nothing happens; "Vod of the Boring Alley."

• Man's brutal cousin turns out to be a great bloke; "Raw-Ted, Great Dude".

• Panic spreads as toilet facilities take over the world; "Cry! Stall-Age."

• A man orders a book of basic letters to look after his daughters belongings while he looks after the others; "ABC, Watch Her's!".

• Sams brother cheats a dude; "Dean Cons the Peep."

• A ride in the amusement park offers a wide range of emotions; "High! Low! Woo! Nah."

• A weird and hard to describe new dessert; "Cold Lemon Thing."

• A new star in stand up rises! Come see "Puntiff Sulyvahn."

• Pirates start eating fava beans and a new drink is required; "Yo! Ho! The Chianti!."

• A Long lived man has an unusual apetite for fish; "Old-Rick, Devourer of Cods".

• In Bacteria-Town, a devastating disease strikes one inhabitant working at a hotel; "Cancer of the Borrelia Valet".

• Roman god Cubid is ordered to take a woman to cave and kill her; "Drag and Slay Her Amor"

• Osiris's statue has been in way too many marriages and people have started to call it; "Osiris the Consummated Thing."

• The choir leader from before is transformed into a mushroom; "Champignon Cantor"

• An english man becomes the leader of a Polish airplane company and gets nicknamed; "LOT-Rick"

• An impatient tree person attacks a random mythical hunter; "Antsy Ent! Why Hern?!"

• Horse named Elvis keeps making noise and a man shouts;"Neigh Less King!"

• A child opens a chocolate egg and a white spirit jumps out; "Soul of Kinder"

Sorry about the possible typos.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

My boss and a couple other employees were discussing how I came in even though I was sick and one employee, who is from the Ukraine said "I guess I dont get sick because I ha e better genes to handle the cold weather." My boss replied with "Well what are they? Levis?" We all had a giggle.

Later that very same day I delivered a bag to a post office which must've went out by mistake because it had zero items. When I was leaving the man who received the delivery said to me "Have a good day and thanks for nothin!"

So im headed to the back talking to my manager telling him about a transaction im doing with a customer Me: Hey boss, so this lady is looking for a 4 year old camp jacket for boys and a 6-12 month onesie for boys Manager: Well sorry man, all our stuff here is new, we have nothing from 4 years ago.

I was working the register (took a pity shift in the front end department) when I ran out of pennies. I paged my boss to come over and get me change.

Boss: Look, you have a penny on your POS, and I have one in my pocket here.

Me: That may not last very long, can I still get change?

Customer: C'mon man, cut the guy a break. He's just putting in his 2 cents on the situation.

His daughter groaned.

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

I was at work rotating the organic pears we were selling at $1.49/lbs when a woman shopping in the arms of her blind husband. She made mention of wanting pears so I said cheerfully "We have Organic Bartlett Pears from Rainer Washington on sale for $1.49/lbs". Her face glowed with excitement as she thanked me. Her husband moved his head to my direction and said with the biggest shit eating grin "Thanks for letting us know. They weren't noticeable beforehand."

I groaned loudly as my boss laughed. "Did I just get dadjoked? I think I got dad joked." The blind man chuckled and said "Yes... Yes you did."

I work at a shoe store, often times when giving shoes to a customer we will sit down, especially the full-timers who are there a lot. My boss was sitting down talking to a customer about matching shoes with their outfits when it happened (he was sitting on tile):

"Yeah man, I always match my clothes... Hey, poortheologian, back me up and tell him that I do!"

"Okay." I then walked over, grabbed him and slid him about a foot back from where he was sitting.

He groaned, the groaned, I walked away.

I walk into the office after two weeks of vacation, and my boss is reading a book.

Me: "Good morning, brother."

Him: "Hey, hey."

Me: "I missed you man, how you been?"

Him: "I've been right here, you need to aim better. -Flips page- ...But I've been good."

EDIT: Formatting.

Two factory workers talking:

Woman: “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
Man: “And how would you do that?”
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

Boss comes in: “What are you doing?”
Woman: “I’m a light bulb.”
Boss: “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her and the boss says: “Where are you going?”
The man says: “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

Boss: What?

Man: Yes, I’m calling in Sikh.

Woman: “I can make the boss give me the day off.”Man: “And how would you do that?”Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.Boss comes in: “What are you doing?”Woman: “I’m a light bulb.”Boss: “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”The man starts to follow her and the boss says:“Where are you going?”The man says: “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

A large corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO told him to wait right there. He walked back to his office and came back a couple of minutes later and handed the guy $1600 in cash. "Here's 4 weeks pay. Now GET Out and don't come back here!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominoes."

His boss asks him why. The man says "I'm going blind!"

"What do you mean you're going blind?"

"I just can't see going to work today!"

So I work at a pizza shop. This middle aged man, typical dad polo shirt, white New Balances, etc... comes in with his wife. They want subs. So my boss is taking their order. She asks him if he wants any cheese on his sub. He responds "yeah, that religious stuff". My boss looks up at him confused and says, "what?". I immediately jump in and say, "Swiss!" My boss looks even more confused. The guy is smirking and says, "yeah, the holy kind!" His wife lets out the biggest groan as him and I crack up. My boss just shook her head and walked away in disgust.

So there I was working on a small project; I make signs and was working on something for a local election candidate. The client wanted small plastic fans with a pic of her on sticks for her upcoming rally. 300 of them. Our plotter wasn't able to trace them out so I'm hand cutting 300 plastic pieces. My boss walks in, and I say "Man this is gonna take all day." and he replies "Well, looks like you got your work cut out for you today." And walks off.

So I work at a Wendy's and we have our fries in Large, Small, Medium, or Value size. I was working fries and an order for a small fry and two values. I make the small but didn't hear the values, and my boss tells me to make them, and as I start I say,

"Oh man, I heard the small but I guess I didn't hear anything of value!"

The groan was so satisfying.