It ended with a tie.
In Hungary
Vroom temperature.
Clinique would.
http://imgur.com/a/1qKYz
Meteorologists.
A little too proud of this one...
So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...
With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says “Just so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.
I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...
“Is your dog lookin at it?
Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”
I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and “that was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.
EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.
IHOP
“Diddly squat”. Dead pan serious as he says it too.
They give you the coroner office.
At work, there was a metal catering tray filled to the brim with cold water sittin' around for no reason so I asked the receptionist/coworker, who has said repeatedly that she just can't stand me, if I should dump it. She looked at me, smiled and said "If you can." I responded "without spilling it?" In a 'of course I'm not going to spill but dont rule it out' way. She said "Yes." Silently giving me good luck. Fortunately, I done did the deed and no brand new flooring was harmed. I then proceeded to google water jokes. After that, I walked up to her desk, glanced into her soul for the slightest moment while greeting, "Hey Sarah" , then I swiftly looked downwards as she asked, "Yeah?" I THEN told her this, "I don't know about you but unlike that cold water I just dumped". I pause, regain eye contact and finished with, "boiling water will be mist."
Eharmony or tinder?
A Collie / Labrador Cross.. or a "Collab"
Before your brain figures out what you're doing.
I work at an after school program with kids ranging from kindergarten through eighth grade. The kids love hearing jokes, but I’m running low, please help and give me your best cringey dad jokes.
A finnish hymn.
Being the picture of grace and agility that I am (not,) I managed to break the middle finger of my left hand and gouge the index finger on my right hand. I work in a public-facing position. My bandages and splint are rather obvious. I am tired of the questions about what happened, so I'm looking for some clever responses. The best I came up with was when my dentist asked, and I told him it was a terrible flossing accident.
Please help.
Because that would be… counterproductive (CROWD CHEERS) Thank you! Thank you! (ROSES THROWN)
He said it helps and leaves them all in stitches.
My best mate from back home is a self-employed gardener and does pretty well. He made a post on Facebook and he and his friend were commenting about how hard gardeners work and they should be paid more. I commented with a line about investing in a hedge fund. Nothing. I’m so unappreciated
It's my bread and butter.
Spilled red wine all over my side-couch table and the book I was reading. My sister in law (over for the holidays) grabbed the book, (already soaked with Cabernet) I told her “you can keep it, but it’s already half RED” I was so proud of myself but got not a single chuckle. I knew this was the place to report my major dad joke accomplishment. Edit*
By the way, I work in hospice and the book was “ “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. It’s an amazing read for anyone facing end of life. If it is you, or someone you love. Not to abuse my post,but it’s a best read! I am in no way associated or benefiting from any sales of this book.
Doctors say his condition is serious.
How else are no.2 pencils made?
Take a seat!
This works best after you’ve told the original dad joke!
Picket.
A Seatbelt.
Because I’m lack-toes-intolerant
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡The company I work for has just purchased a Barge for works on a bridge. There is a competition to name the Barge and I would love it if the reddit community could help me win- I get a paid day off if successful. The best I have come up with is the “Pablo Escabarge” but I’m pretty sure naming our new barge after a mass murder and drug lord won’t go down!
Hans is literally the wurst.
Plane paper
I just don't want to make a snap decision.
"C", he replied.
She works at JP Morgan doing data entry. They're all putting jokes in a box, and the best one wins a prize. What do y'all got?
"Oh for crying out loud, enough with the questions, Pancake."
My book about clocks just come in the mail. It's about time.
6:30 is the best time, hands down.
What is the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurtie.
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence.
How do you know is a clock is hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Why did the child throw the clock out of the window? He wanted to see time fly.
What is a belt made of clocks called? A waist of time.
Why should you never eat a clock? It is far too time-consuming.
One clock was reading a clocks biography, a written work about a persons life not written by them. It was second hand information.
What kind of candy is never on time? Choco-late.
I saw that everything had so much weight on it!
Either way, you end up smelling like ancient grease.
we’d go to the movies, we’re both getting discounts.
