A potato - it's got eyes everywhere!
Seaweed.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡The gardener asks what type of flowers they are putting in. His partner says, “We are planting Sneezeweed, Bee Balm, Lamb’s Ears, and Black-eyed Susans because they are the best perennials for the Pacific Northwest region.”
The gardener nodded in agreement, “You have been a wonderful addition. Thank you for bringing your knowledge and experience to the garden.”
“It has been a pleasure! Say, can you help me with this? I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I keep trying to lay this sod down, but I can’t get it to lay flat,” he confessed.
The gardener observed his partner as he attempted to lay down the sheet of grass, and came to a helpful conclusion.
The gardener explained, “Well, you are standing up and need to get closer to the ground. Kneel before sod.”
A croc pot. (Continuing reptilian theme)
Sir Curity - King's head of guard
Sir Ender - King's military general
Sir Cumnavigate - King's navy admiral
Sir Veillance - King's spies
Sir Ching - King's scout
Sir Vival - King's best warrior
Sir Nister - King's executioner
Sir Bia - King's ambassador to Yugoslavia
Sir Spicious - King's inquistor
Sir V. Chewed - King's slave master
Sir Lancealot - King's diabetes nurse
Sir Cumcision - King's health inspector
Sir Inge - King's infectious disease expert
Sir Jun - King's doctor
Sir Iasis - King's dermatologist
Sir Rebralpalsy - King's disability advocate
Sir Loin - King's dinner chef
Sir Up - King's breakfast chef
Sir Hosis - King's vinter
Sir Taindeath - King's daredevil
Sir Real - King's storyteller
Sir Rendipty - King's fortune teller
Sir Cuss - King's jester
Sir Tenty - King's prophet
Sir Burbia - King's city planner
Sir Plus - King's organizer
Sir Prize - King's party planner
Sir Pen Tyne - King's amusement park planner
Sir Rebral - King's advisor
Sir Cumference - King's geometry teacher
Sir Mise - King's historian
Sir Kitbreaker - King's electrician
Sir Culation - King's news editor
Sir Roundsound - King's DJ
Sir Renity - King's therapist
Sir John General - King's tobacco farmer
Sir Veyer - King's castle builder
Sir Vant - King's gofer
Sir Fur - King's lifeguard
Sir Factant - King's cleaner
Sir Plant - King's son
Sir Tainly - King's yes man
Sir Cumspect - King's investor
Sir Charge - King's tax collector
Sir Mon - King's priest
Sir Pent - King's herpetologist
Sir Ogate - King's regent
Sir Cumvent - King's risk analyst
It's not well known that among the species of plants taken aboard Noah's Ark was a very odd berry. This berry had a special property where if you ate too few at once they would be sour, but if you ate too many at once they would be bitter. Even stranger was that the right number of berries to eat at once for perfect sweetness was different for each person.
Shem would never take enough berries and would complain every time "Ugh! These berries are so sour! Why did we bring these plants?" Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat a couple more in a mouthful to make them sweet."
Ham would always take too many berries and would complain every time "Ick! These berries are so bitter! I'd like to toss the plants overboard." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat fewer in a mouthful to make them sweet."
Japeth would grab a random amount and whenever they were bitter or sour he'd complain "Why do these berries never taste the same? We should let the animals eat the plants so we don't have to eat the silly berries." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you should remember how many berries taste the best."
After a couple of weeks of this, Noah announced "I'm taking charge of portioning the berries. I've made notes of how many of them taste the best for me, my wife, all of you my sons, and your wives. At meals I'll give each of you the correct amount, and NO MORE COMPLAINTS!"
Another week passed and Japeth wanted some berries to take the edge off his hunger, but rather than wander all over the whole ark looking for his father he asked Emzara "Where's dad? I'd like some berries before lunch."
Emzara pointed to the storeroom and said "I thought you were tired of the berries? But there's Noah, counting for taste."
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Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert.
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Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots.
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Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average? It was a mean thing to say!
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Why was the math book depressed? It had a lot of problems.
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Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it is never right.
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Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper? He must be plotting something.
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Why was the equal sign so humble? Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.
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What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date? The odd couple
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What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place? A Roamin’ numeral.
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Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably.
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What do you call dudes who love math? Algebros.
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I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!
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Why should you never talk to Pi? Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.
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Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common? It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
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Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.
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What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher? Use acute angle.
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Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.
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How do you stay warm in any room? Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
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Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight ("ate") nine!
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Why DID seven eat nine? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
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Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point.
When I went into the kitchen I noticed this near-empty spice bottle, when I realized what it was I had to hurry into the living room before the haircut as I pulled out this classic line with the bottle in-hand.
“We have to hurry! I didn’t realize we were running out of thyme!”
I felt like the universe planted that perfectly for me.
I learned from the best, then I cut his hair.
It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.
Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.
When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.
The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really don’t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you don’t overload your capacitors.
The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.
Scissors always cut to the point.
Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you don’t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.
When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.
Mr. Tea says, ”Don’t be a fool, stay in school!”
i c e i c e w a t e r
Architecture is an aspiring career path.
‘Pun’ puns don’t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.
I’ll do algebra. I’ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.
Plants should always rooted in the ground.
Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.
Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Don’t take these puns for granite.
Cheese puns are grate because you don’t have to ask for parmesan to use them.
Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.
My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.
I am not a fan of wind turbines.
Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.
Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.
Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.
Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.
A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.
I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.
Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.
Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.
Allow me to regale you with a couple tales illustrating my late dad's sense of humor. Last names faked because I'm not that stupid.
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(1). At a routine PTA meeting about me in my Georgia school, everyone found themselves packed into a hot and stuffy room waiting for the boredom to end. Shoulder to shoulder fun, can you picture it?
My dad lets one rip. It's loud, smelly, and echoes. The room falls silent as the fart invites itself unfavorably to the nostrils of those in attendance.
He turns to my mom and with his best shocked face says, "... Patty!"
I like to think he slept on the couch that night.
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(2). During my old man's wait for us to arrive at the new home he had bought, he had to deal with ongoing construction and roughed it at a hotel for a few nights. He was a retired Master Chief Machinist's Mate, so cramped quarters reminded him of the sub's nuclear engine room. No biggie.
An interview comes up for a civilian nuclear power plant nearby, and before you know it my dad's sitting before these stuffy, serious, wrinkly old board members and managers, having his (mostly military) resume picked through.
"Well Mister Smith, we're impressed. Twenty two years is no small amount of time to dedicate to the service. But do you feel you're qualified to operate and audit a civilian fission power plant?"
My dad thinks on it for a second.
"Well no, sir, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."
He got the job immediately.
(For those needing the reference)
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Thanks for caring to read. I miss him a lot and this subreddit always reminds me of his sense of dry, quick humor. Take care!
The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"
"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."
Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.
"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.
"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"
"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"
Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumé I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."
That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"
Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"
"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."
Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.
The other guys is probably still Roman around.
