Best piece of clothing I own!
π︎ 36
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︎ Jan 11 2021
My son asked me "where does poo come from?" I was a little flustered, but did my best to explain about food, stomach, intestines, digestion, etc.
He looked confused, then stared at me in stunned silence. After a few seconds he asked "And Tigger?"
π︎ 92
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Gf asked for help, and I did the best I can
π︎ 239
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Curse the creator of autocorrect! I asked my friend what the best shampoo to use was, and he replied βPanettoneβ.
That was last Tuesday, and I still havenβt got all the crumbs out of my hair.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jan 06 2021
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, βDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?β In my best bear voice, I replied...
βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed!"
π︎ 77
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Best dad joke I've heard today.. so far
Me: "Are you free tomorrow?"
Dad: "No, I'm 5 bucks tomorrow."
π︎ 47
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︎ Jan 02 2021
I think the best web designers in the world might be
π︎ 12
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I just got my husband with my best one yet
I said, βwhat have I told you about leaving the power tools out where the dogs can reach them?β
He looked really confused and said βWhat? I didnβt leave anything outβ
βbecause the dog is over here sawing some logs!β
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 08 2020
10 years ago I married my best friend
Our wives are still mad about it but we were drunk and thought it was funny
π︎ 31
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︎ Dec 13 2020
I have the best prostrate doctor.
Every time he examines me, he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Wanting to impress my son at the zoo today, I revealed to him, "Used to be best friends with a giraffe, but we had a falling out." Puzzled, he asked, "What happened?" I shook my head, "I don't know really, but I felt..."
"He was always looking down on me!"
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 11 2021
I just read the absoute best book about Pearl Jam.
Seriously, I don't know they could have made it Eddie Vedder.
π︎ 22
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︎ Dec 10 2020
Three years ago I married my best friend...
My girlfriend was angry but Dave and I thought it was hilarious!
π︎ 15
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︎ Dec 01 2020
I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
π︎ 13k
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︎ May 18 2020
I was arguing with my dad about how median is the best average.
He just doesn't agree with me. I think he is a very mean person.
π︎ 15
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︎ Nov 17 2020
I did my personal best in the 100 metres today...
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 10 2020
Despite my best efforts, I pooped my pants
It was an undeterred undie turd
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 13 2020
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. Itβs not the best...
π︎ 7k
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︎ Apr 18 2020
When I was 8 years old my best friend died from a velcro accident.
π︎ 181
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︎ Aug 15 2020
If you asked me how I would describe the best cheese in the world....
I'd say it's legend-dairy.
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 03 2020
I just asked my wife for her best dad joke
"You"... followed by a smirk.
Not the response I was expecting but I laughed
π︎ 30
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︎ Oct 16 2020
I know everyone thinks their child is the best
But a farmer told me his kid is a goat
π︎ 21
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︎ Oct 05 2020
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
π︎ 10
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︎ Oct 20 2020
I'm not sure if my ceiling is the best i've ever had
but it's certainly up there.
π︎ 390
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︎ Jun 05 2020
My best mates and i played a game of hide and seek, it went on for hours
Good friends are hard to find.
π︎ 15
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︎ Sep 30 2020
One of my best friends had her 50th birthday today and I told her βmy next ones will only last 50 seconds!β She said, βReally?β
And, I said βYes, because it will be my 52nd birthday!β
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 07 2020
She was drinking alone so I went over to her and gave her my best pickup line...
She's apparently not a Ford F-series fan.
π︎ 25
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︎ Aug 01 2020
I said to my best friend βThe words canβt describe how beautiful you are!
But numbers can. 7/10β(stolen from r/memes)
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 03 2020
Iβm a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....βlooks like you have the best jobβ he says, βwhy is that?β I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
π︎ 16
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︎ Aug 06 2020
The best joke I can think of is quarantine.
If you don't get it, it's because it's an inside joke.
π︎ 268
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︎ May 10 2020
When I go for a walk with my best friend, he canβt help but stop and pet every animal he sees. He just thinks theyβre so adorable!
π︎ 4
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︎ Sep 17 2020
I donβt know if itβs the best anti-joke but here is my favorite one.
π︎ 9
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︎ Aug 22 2020
Dad: Whatβs the best way to affix a mask to your face? Me: I donβt know.
π︎ 6
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︎ Sep 11 2020
I tried my best to come up with a joke about social distancing.
But this is as close as I could get.
π︎ 20
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︎ Aug 26 2020
My cat has opinions about Chinese history. I asked him who their best leader in modern history is:
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 12 2020
I was in an argument about what the best kind of bread was
But the conversation went a rye.
π︎ 30
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︎ Jun 16 2020
(Not a Dad Joke) I need a good list of the best dad jokes you guys have
Itβs for a discord bot Iβm going to put in a server full of people who could use some dad jokes
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 24 2020
I cremated my grandfather back in 2000 and bought him the best urn.
It was the urn of the century.
π︎ 4
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︎ Aug 30 2020
I figured out the best way to cut carbs!
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 20 2020
During his wedding, my friend told me that I was the worst best man he has ever seen.
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 22 2020
Doesn't he need to change? I bet his best friend's name is penny.
π︎ 17
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︎ Jun 21 2020
So I travelled back in time, and was told THE BEST joke by ancient egyptians
π︎ 16
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︎ Jul 31 2020
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
π︎ 43
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︎ May 17 2020
Remember this. The best pun i have ever seen.
π︎ 33
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︎ May 20 2020
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, βDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?β In my best bear voice, I replied...
βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed!"
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Apr 20 2020
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