Beauty And The Breakdown Puns

“Why so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner said, “Well, this bird used to live in a brothel, and occasionally it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided that for $50, she just had to have the bird.

She took the bird home, hung the cage up in the living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “Meh… That's really not so bad” and laughed it off.

When her two teenage daughters got home from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls!!!” The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then laughed about the situation – considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

A few moments later, the woman’s husband got home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new girls, welcome back Keith!!!”

I pity LeFou

Bartender says “don’t mind them, they’re complimentary”.

I said “Man, that’s cheap!” They said, “It’s a small price toupee.”

Yeah, it's pretty nuts.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I had to pick up my grandma from the beauty shop this afternoon," he tells the bartender. "It was kind of cute. She was getting her grays touched up and nodded off right there in the hairdresser's chair. So I guess you could say she dyed peacefully in her sleep,"

Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...

Notices there's only 2;

Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."

I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.

You know. Roll reversal.

Is this lotion forskin?

He passed with flying colors.

I'd tap that.

What are your best dad jokes? Whoever tells me the funniest one will have the honor of knowing their dad joke was my first as a dad.

Edit: there are two winners.

The first is one I told to my wife. It is about him being born with 4 kidneys but two of them will become adult knees. Thank you u/cabbithunt

The second I told me son. "There are two fish in a tank. One fish looks at the other and says 'I'll drive you man the guns.'" Thank you u/kiabe1

Edit 2: After two weeks in the NICU, we have convinced the doctors to let us upgraded to the wireless home version. Thank you all for your well wishes and jokes.

Target.

Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy.

If so, you may be entitled to condensation.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. > The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part.

They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "we're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion."

The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"

Sorry, not sorry.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

The rest are definitely goimg to call ne a nomster.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"

Then I said: "Turn left here."

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtedly the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?"

Autumn leaves

They're all packed and ready to go, they're at the gate now, and they're off.

EDIT: Thankyou everyone for getting me through this Friday these puns have been ridiculously on form except the one guy that tried to offer counselling advice on a joke thread 🙈

2021

Black eye peas can sing us a song; chick peas can only hummus one.

Because together they thrive.

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"

The rabbit says, "I'm a type O".

N. Korea has no Seoul.

Iron Man stops the bad guys. Aluminum Man foils their plans.

I'm going to get kicked out of this IKEA.

It's propaganja.

im 25 💀

"No, it kills them."

Isn't it apparent?

No pun in ten did.

I shit you not.

It’s gourd-geous.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

I'm the bomb

“That’s a hickory daiquiri, doc!”

The pro replied: “your stance is too wide”.

A-nanas, or B-ananas.'

Attire

. She still regrets letting me name the kids.

I said “No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody.”