I’m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....”looks like you have the best job” he says, “why is that?” I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
True dad that man!!
Auditoriums are specially designed so that sound will bounce around the walls and ceiling in order to be projected to the audience. However, if you place a pigeon on the stage, the coo of said pigeon will not bounce.
This is because of a-coo-sticks.
If you’re ever trying to do something unexpected, don’t steal someone’s abacus. They’ll be counting on that.
Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Being a wheelchair user must be wheelie hard to move on especially when someone walks out on you
Did you know the Apollo 11 astronauts arm wrestled to decide who would be the first man on the moon?
Neil won.
What to text when you're not going to be on time...
"I'm going to be ₈"
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"
Stupid firemen
(At parole hearing) Officer: Why should you be released early? Man: I'm... Officer: Go on. Man: I think... Officer: Yes? Man: Can I please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
What do you call three cats standing on top of each other, wearing a trench coat, pretending to be human? reddit.com/r/dadjokes/com…
What do you call three cats standing on top of each other, wearing a trench coat, pretending to be human?
A purrson
If you'd have to put a number on how much your dog barks every day, it would probably be a ruff estimate.
I’m looking for punny popsicle names. I’d like them to be a play on actual names like Pop Ross, Mary Pop-pins, Pop Seger, Albert Ice-stein, Freezy F Baby, David Pop-perfield, and Iggy Pop. I’m particularly interested in playing upon the names of historical female figures. Help please and thank you!
[Interview] “It says here on your resume that you used to be in the theatre. What made you leave?”
“Well, the movie ended, so...”
When I was little I saw this kid in my neighborhood dragging around a loaf of bread on a leash. To be funny, I said “Hey, you have a beautiful dog!”, he responded,
“Thanks, it’s pure bread!”.
Dogs be like "I've put a smell on you and now you're mine"
When you really want to live life on the edge and be healthy
My wife and I love to go on dates, but we always do what she wants. Today she asked me, ‘If you had to pick any date, what would it be?’
June 19th, 1910
If you expect me to force you to stay on top of a ladder you’ll always be disappointed
I’ll let you down every time
If you find someone who is taking a dump on a boat, would they be known as a
Midshitman?
Did you hear about how much space a house gets to be built on?
A lot.
You know son, I'd really be proud if you could take on my work as a farmer, but don't worry about what kind of farming...
There are so many fields to chose from
Fool me once shame on you, teach a man to fool me and I’ll be fooled for the rest of my life
If you put a horse on a balance beam, would it be called a gallop pole?
Do you know why I allowed a police station to be built on my property out in the Styx?
Cause I've got too much crime on my lands.
I used to have a driver's license from Arizona. They had a neat symbol on them if you opted in to be an organ donor.
I don't live in AZ anymore, but you know what they say, once a donor always Sedona!
“Would you like to be known on TV as Daniel?”
“No. I prefer Dan, rather.”
If you are on a plane, you must be powerful...
because you know people in high places.
If your dad tells a joke and you turn it back around on him, you may be able to witness a groan man.
What do you call a shirt that can be drawn on many times, without getting dirty?
Re-markable.
I was trying to be edgy on facebook. you win dad.
http://i.imgur.com/qdYoTAk.png
If you had a dad-joke themed restaurant, what would be on the menu?
You can't name your son jack, no one will be able to say hi to him on a plane.
Hijack
My dad literally just said this to me. Lol.
Depending on your date format, if you worked yesterday you could claim to be working twentyfour/seven.
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
