... we're in the middle of a pundemic.
But be glad you haven’t heard of grandpuns.
First time, don’t bully me
...but I just need to go grab my cigarettes from my car real quick.
So I did a few tests. Turns out I could never be.
He said "Tums"
Son: I just watched Harry Potter, and that girl is so cute!
Dad: Watson?
They would be called bachelor jokes
That couldn't be father from the truth
You can see it in the middle of the "B"
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.
Dad: AND?
My dad says “the whole restaurant?” I laughed because it was so bad
Say, a certain age demographic has a fascination with pandas fighting in boxing rings. If a movie studio takes note of this and shoves an unrelated, random panda-in-a-boxing-ring scene in their movie, would it be seen as...
Pande-ring?
The other day I was really killing them at the comedy club, but eventually all they did was boo
Otherwise they'd be called bachelor jokes.
I cannot tell you. You'll just have to C for yourself.
My line manager just said to me "my friend, he's a chemist, got married to this girl"
Me "don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it..."
Me, while banging my head against something solid... "There must've been chemistry between them..."
"Well, she already made joke out of me twice and she says she ain't kidding anymore."
But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.
Dad looking for mayo: I think its gone rogue
Children.
My son came up with this one when he was 7 years old...
The first letter.
I was sad until she told me "Don't worry I'm just kidding, nothing could be father from the truth."
I told him your mama jokes are worse.
...then he left the room
Child: "Dad, my name is Elanor".
It got me in treble.
Me - "Can I ask you a question?"
Dad - "Sure, anything!"
Me - "Do you think I have mom's hair?"
Dad - "I sure hope not, wasn't she buried with it?"
Too soon dad, too soon.
Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Responder: My wife's going into labor and I don't know what to do!
Operator: Is this her first born?
Responder: No, this is her husband..
Saw this on IG and instantly thought of this sub. Hope you got a laugh.
A weasel walks into a bar, bartender says: wow, I’ve never served a weasel before, what’ll it be? Pop, goes the weasel.
Why do we always get hurt when we fall down and hit the ground?
It’s payback for all the times we’ve hit the road, beaten the trail, and pounded the pavement.
(I thinks is is pretty bad, but dad’s saying that I could never make a joke when I tell him. Please prove him wrong.)
...I told them illegal was a sick bird
Dad: because it’s the balm!
I'm worried it's a faux pa
A father walks in to a bank and leaves his kids there.
In fact it looks the same the father away you are.
So one time there was this kid named Tim. Tim wanted to really wanted to go to the school prom with a girl named Janet. So one day, at school, he walked up to Janet and asked if she wanted to go.
She said yes!
So once she got home she told her mom. Her mom was very excited for her and called all of their family to share the news.
Then, that weekend, Janet and her mom went dress shopping. They looked and tried on several dresses until they found the right one. Janet tried that one on and was very happy.
Meanwhile, Tim needed a tuxedo. He looked online and found a great shop and put in an rental order.
The next week he came in and picked it up. On the way home he picked up a corsage. And once he got home, he ordered a limousine.
The day of Tim put on his tuxedo and grabbed the corsage just as the limo arrived to pick him up. Then the limo took him to Janet's house and her parents took a lot of pictures of the two of them.
Once their parents were finally done taking pictures, they left for the prom.
They bought their tickets and went inside and danced for a while.
And then, Janet asked Tim to get her something to drink. He went to find something, but there was no punch line!
.. which is weird because that usually only affects my roof.
Probably a repost but literally just happened 2 minutes ago and saw my opportunity for a post.
I texted my girlfriend that I was done with her Valentine's Day Present early. She responds, "Damn, You're ahead!" Without hesitation, I answer "I have a body too!"
I hate myself. I am my father.
Give me the good news first, It’s always great to hear good news! The airbags in your car work really well 👍🏾
I happened to have a block of salted butter in my hand and jokingly told my wife I was going to hit her with it.
She says to me, "That would be a-salt and buttery."
He said, what do you expect from a groan man?
He would never golf again.
His just shakes his head.
'I'm not racist, I'm too slow!'
Germany has to be one of the smelliest countrys in Europe
-Its so bad they have a town called Cologne
Did you know France has a sibling that had a child?
-Neither did I but its the only explanation for Nice
Poland has this uncanny habit of not finishing its stories
-Warsaw what?
Belgium loves its greens
-City named Brussels gives it away
Everytime i tell anyone of these I need to laugh as the absolute cringe my girlfriend makes and then laugh through the pain of her hitting me whilst saying "Its just not funny".
Personally I love them and I thought i would share them with you.
A church made this video I found on facebook, thought you guys would enjoy it.
https://www.facebook.com/VictoryChurchOK/videos/1456063911098388/?hc_ref=ARSw0TvM55QPqGuSYWHEEPcqOI1OpCl8wpp22FLeuoI64pKGyPlu2NLSrbvqmbxs-EQ
(him showing me something on his phone)
Me: Jesus, turn your brightness down it's burning my corneas.
Him: maybe next time you should use your "greenbean-eas".
One starts with B and the other starts with D
My family is on the mailing list for the National Arbor Day Foundation, so we get begging letters from time to time.
In the most recent one, there was an additional flier that had the phrase "Hurry! You don't want to leave behind all the great benefits of being a member of the Arbor Day Society!"
I was immediately disappointed that they didn't say "You don't want to LEAF behind..." I then got SUPER excited to tell this joke to my wife who was in the other room, so I run in to tell her the joke, but by that point, I was so jazzed about the leaf pun, I completely forgot the rest of the phrase, so all I could babble out was (and this is literally what I said) "Something something LEAF! Something something something," all the while giggling like a madman. I have not heard the end of it.
We're talking about that poor guy who passed on after accidentally lighting fireworks attached to his head on the 4th.
My wife: "I mean, what do you even say that guy's funeral?"
Me: "Well, at least he went out with a bang."
A vulture was boarding a plane with a racoon in each hand. The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, sir. Only one carion is allowed per passenger. "
We have a huge yard and 3 dogs and it takes a long time and a lot of hard work to clean up all the dog poop. We hire a company that sends people over to do it. Today, they didn't do a very good job and most of the poop was still there.
Me: That's some bullshit.
Dad: No, that's dog shit.
He says it feels like he has gravel under his eyes. My stepmom asked if he still had the drops his doctor gave him and he got confused not knowing what she was talking about. She told him: "Go look in your drawers". My dad looked shocked and said with a drawl, "They wouldn't be in my drawers!"
So I tried to use a dad joke on my mom. And it didn't go so well. She told me to do the dishes, I said ok and seeing as I'm in the middle of reading a dad joke, I said just a moment. So she just replied "seriously?" What said was"seriously I'm high" what I wanted to say to her was"hi I'm seriously.
Me: How's your back been feeling?
Dad: Great! I started doing yoga. You should have seen the chakras on your stepmom's face!
that line is the Y-axis
When you replace the b with a d
When the punchline becomes apparent
When the punchline is apparent.
When this punchline becomes Apparent.
It becomes apparent
I don't think that could be father from the truth.
Your mama's are worse
He replied, "No, it's a dad joke."
is always a parent.
A letter.
One letter
Children
...The letter "B"
The punchline is apparent.
A single letter
The first letter…
One of them has a D.
