A list of puns related to "Back To Work"
Just a little axe dent.
Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.
I was so proud.
I don't vibe with high maintenance women.
I’ve always found them to be very uplifting.
Should have seen her face when I drove pasta
They've been away all year.
It was nuts.
They told me to stop lying.
a walk in the park.
Me: Alright, Ive got to run. Dad: Just take your car. It will be quicker.
After a minute I said, “Sir, can you hurry up? You’re holding up the car behind you.”
When she came to the register I asked her, “Are you an overdue book? ‘Cause you have fine written all over you”.
My team has been working remotely and is now being asked to go back to the office.
It's been going smoothly, but for some reason the boss finds it disruptive when my one coworker and I silently pass dad joke notes to each other.
So now he's turned to LinkedIn for advice...
How does he enforce his #AntiWFH policy without it leading to more #QuietWitting
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me! Never trust an atom, they make up everything! Long fairy tales do tend to drag on! I made a pun about the wind, but it blows! I had a pizza joke, but it was too CHEESY! I know a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition! Don't discuss infinity with your math teacher, they'll go on forever! The ability to fly would be so uplifting! My friend's bakery burned down, now it's toast! I was gonna get a brain transplant, but I changed my mind! german food jokes are the wurst! My local A.T.M stopped working and it doesn't make any cents! I miss my childhood friend and he misses me, but our aim is getting better! My friend found out she was colorblind, it came out of the orange for her! What did the duck say when she purchased some new lipstick? Put it on my bill! Towels can't tell jokes, they have dry senses of humor. What did the buffalo say to his son going away to college? Bison! What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds! What's the U.S.A's favorite soda?Mini soda! The bicycle couldn't be ridden because it was two tired! The car wasn't up for being driven because it was completely exhausted!
Roommate (who for reference is gay) is putting up the reusable artificial Christmas tree with a group of friends. He steps back to look at his work, then turns around and asks “maybe it’s me, but this tree doesn’t look straight”
Me: “probably because it just came out of the closet”
My book about clocks just come in the mail. It's about time.
6:30 is the best time, hands down.
What is the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurtie.
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence.
How do you know is a clock is hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Why did the child throw the clock out of the window? He wanted to see time fly.
What is a belt made of clocks called? A waist of time.
Why should you never eat a clock? It is far too time-consuming.
One clock was reading a clocks biography, a written work about a persons life not written by them. It was second hand information.
What kind of candy is never on time? Choco-late.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡He's relaxing in a comfy chair, reading the newspaper, until he hears a quiet voice call out to him:
"Nice suit."
The man looks up and around for the source of the comment, but to no avail. There's no one else in the lounge except for an attendant, busily working away on the other side of the room.
Figuring he must've been hearing things, the man resumes reading the newspaper, until a few minutes later when the same voice says to him:
"That's a lovely watch."
Again, the bewildered man searches for the source of the voice, but there is absolutely no one who could have possibly said it to him. Exasperated, he gives up and goes back to reading his paper. But once more, the voice speaks to him:
"Great haircut."
The man whips his head up, gets to his feet and looks around but there is nobody there. Desperate, he calls for the attendant to come over. He asks:
"Excuse me, but could you hear that voice talking before? I can't see anyone else but me and you here."
"No, I'm afraid I haven't heard anything of the sort." replies the attendant, shaking his head.
"It keeps on saying how much it likes my clothes, my watch - even my haircut!" states the man, growing frustrated.
A beam of realisation dawns across the attendant's face. Gesturing towards a bowl of provided nuts resting on the table, the attendant chimes:
"Oh! That must be the peanuts! They're complimentary."
So a penguin decides to go for a drive, as he's heading through town smoke starts pouring out from under his bonnet. Bollocks he thinks and gets it towed to a local mechanic. The mechanics tells him he needs to spend half an hour having a nose to find the problem so the penguin heads off for a walk. Being a nice day he decides to get himself an ice cream, but of course having flippers not hands he gets the ice cream all over his face and beak. The mechanic calls to say he worked out the problem and the penguin heads back. Upon entering the garage the mechanic says " hmmm bad news mate, it looks like youve blown a seal" to which the penguin replies " no, no it's just ice cream "
I have this idea for a porn film.
It starts with a sexy woman in sexy clothing opening the door for a repairman.
"I'm here to fix your fountain," he says, and turns to go the fountain and begin the repairs.
"Oh, that's not the one that isn't working, I need you to fix the one out back," she says in a sultry voice.
So she leads him through the house and out the back door to the busted fountain. He fixes it quickly and says "It only needed some adjustments, ma'am. That'll just be a minimum service charge, $75.00."
She says "You know, there's something else I need adjusting," and starts to unzip his pants. He pushes her hand away, zips back up and says "Look lady, no disrespect, but I have four more jobs to get done before lunch, so how about you hand me a check, I hand you a receipt and we hopefully never see each other again."
I call it Broke Back Fountain, Part 1.
True Story !
I overheard two Wal-Mart deli meat slicers talking about the bad slicer equipment while I was waiting for them to slice up my order. An older woman was using one of the slicers and apparently it had been problematic for some time. She is telling her younger, possibly late teens or early 20s aged co-worker about how she doesn't like to use that particular slicer. He responded back that he never uses it because of how broken it is, and then proceeds to give her suggestions on how to make it work. She tries furiously to slice the turkey and looks up and says, "UGH! This thing is the worst!!"
So I look at her and yelled "So, I guess it doesn't make the cut, huh?"
So the clone is an exact duplicate, all of his talents and experience, so he sends him to work. Clone does great work, but within a few days, he comes home with a written warning. Turns out the guy has a filthy mouth, and has offended everyone. So the original guy has him stay home at their high rise and he goes back to work and apologizes. He gets home and the building is in an uproar. Guy has been swearing at the doorman, other tenants and the super. Original guy gets fed up and offers to take him to the to top floor for the view. Then he throws him over the edge.
Gets back to the apartment and the police are there to arrest him. The charge? Making an obcene clone fall.
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
We were out the back gardening, he’s lying in a lounger with his top off.
“Son, I thought we were here to work?”
“Dad I’m working hard….. on my tan!”
I’ve been out dad joked by a 7 year old 🤦♂️
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "The horn quit working on my car," the guy tells the bartender. "I was going to take it to the shop, but this boy scout down the road said he fixed cars as a hobby and offered to do it. Hey, here he is already." The boy scout walks into the bar and hands the car keys back to the guy. "Beep repaired," the boy scout says.
He went to the Dr because of constipation. The Dr gave him suppositories and said, “Put these in your rectum 3 times a day and come see me again next week.” So, Dad goes back in a week and the Dr asked if the suppositories worked. Dad said, “We’ll Doc, for one thing, I don’t drink rectum, I drink Postum and for as much good as those did I could’ve shoved them up my ass!”
Over the last couple of month I have become a victim to cleaver thieves while out shopping.
Here's how the scam works:
Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car and offer you help unloading your bag. They both start bouncing around, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another store. If you agree, they both want to get in the back seat.
On the way to the next store, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. When you pull over to safely correct their actions, one of them climbs into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen on January 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on February 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th, March 1st and twice yesterday. Please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 5:30 in the evening. If you happen to get caught in this scam, be aware that you can get replacement wallets at the Dollar Store, but both west side Walmarts are completely out.
They'd traded jokes, played pop music, and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.
Now, though, there was silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax message from the Department of Defense. As licensed broadcasters they were legally obligated to alert the public, to tell them the nukes were flying and that in a few minutes all the world's troubles would be over. What, though, was the point of that? To torture people with the knowledge of something they couldn't change?
Their eyes met and a decision was reached. Bert put on their most requested song, a sugary top 40 tune while Ernie produced a bottle of bourbon from under the desk. As their producer banged on the locked studio door the colleagues toasted the end of a long career.
Bert, always the consummate professional, turned away from the window as the first explosion split the distant horizon. He straightened his tie, tucked in his shirt, and brushed his hair back. He would meet his fiery death with dignity.
He turned to Ernie and said in a quiet, resigned voice, "How do I look, Ernie?"
Ernie walked slowly over to his friend. He looked into Bert's face and saw the closeness they shared, the strength of their relationship, forged over the years. He took a deep breath and spoke quietly:
"With your eyes, Bert."
So my brother, my dad and I were working on my car a while back and while my brother was underneath the car my dad must've seen a dent in the side went over and grabbed a small 2x4 to get it out. I saw him with the wood and asked him what are you doing? His reply, "I'm just board". My brother's immediate response, "You should tell your wife about this but it might go against the grain". My direct follow up, " I don't know that joke might land it might knot."
My parents named me Pete but I hated the name as a child. Other kids used to annoy me with stupid jokes like, "hey, Peter, a pirate stole your R!"
I begged my parents and had my name changed to Peter. But during my teen years, I hated my new name. It felt so common. There were two more Peters in my class! I changed my name to Passion.
Once I was out of my teen phase and began working, I started hating this name. I felt like my coworkers made fun of my name. My boss mocked me with, "For a guy named Passion, you don't show any during work." So I changed my name to Paul.
Now, I've grown old and quite tired of changing names. I don't care. But I'd like to do it anyway. I'm thinking of going back to my first name, the name my parents gave me.
In case you didn't understand…
Should I re-Pete myself?
A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender yells at the string, "Get out. We don't serve your kind here."
The string yells, "This is discrimination. I'll be back."
The bartender warns the string, "If you do, I'll rough you up good."
The next day after a particularly hard day working at the sewing factory, the now tired and crumbled string returns to the bar."Hey bar keep. How about a drink?"
"Hey! Aren't you that string I told to never come back?" Demands the bartender.
The string calmly replies, "No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."
You can't make this up: trying to hang a mirror and shelves for my 2 year old's room. He's "helping". We pull out the studfinder to see where to drill. It took everything but i resisted the urge to make the obligatory dad joke about testing it on oneself, i figure he's too young to get the joke anyways. Studfinder is broken. O well, we look for it by tapping and we find the stud, and hang the mirror. My son continues to play with the studfinder the rest of the day. A few hours later, he comes up to me and starts rubbing it on my back. And the studfinder that was broken all day suddenly starts working.
Apparently it just needed calibrated.
His best friend, Roy, was known around town for having an adventurous streak that a small town just couldn't satisfy. Roy yearned to travel the world, to rub shoulders with the well-to-do, and to squeeze every drop of excitement he could out of life. While most young folk in town, my grandpa included, were resigned to their lot, Roy was driven by his dream. He worked incredibly hard, taking every hired-hand and handy-man job he could find. He would walk five miles each way to clean a gutter if there was a nickel to be made. His hometown was always spotless, because Roy would pick up every glass bottle he saw to get the deposit back, and every can he found would get turned in for recycling.
The years stretched on. Grandpa settled down with his high school sweetheart in a one-room cottage and had my dad, and not much else. Roy kept hurrying from one job to the next, never spending a dime on a date. Everyone would just roll their eyes and quietly gossip about how poor Roy's obsession was robbing him of a real life.
One day, Roy showed up at Grandpa's house, all decked out in a brand new khaki safari kit, complete with helmet, binoculars, and elephant gun, and announced that he had finally saved up enough for passage to Africa to go big game hunting. He was especially proud of the fine leather boots he was sporting. "Indestructable" he called them, totally impenetrable to water, wind, and snow. No trench-foot for him while he tracked rhinos on the savannah!
Grandpa congratulated Roy on his achievement and wished him bon voyage. Over the next three months, the town felt Roy's absence. Litter lay where it fell, gutters overflowed in heavy rain, small-time farmers rose that bit earlier and bedded that bit later to cover the work Roy used to help with. Of course, the gossipers just turned their chat from how Roy needed a dose of reality to how thoughtless it was of him to just up and leave. Most folks were convinced Roy was gone for good. After all, how could he come back from such a high-falutin' adventure to his tiny, no-account hometown?
But return Roy did, and everyone crowded around at the bar to hear his account of his safari. To their surprise, Roy told them that, for all the time he had been away, he only bagged one trophy that was currently on a slow boat back. It turned out, once Roy got a close-up look at the elephants, rhinos, giraffes, gazelles, and all the fine animals of the African savannah, he lost all heart for hunting. He just couldn't imagi
... keep reading on reddit ➡Me: You're being mean.
Her: How?
Me: By talking back to me.
Her: I have to talk back to you. That's how conversations work.
Me: I quit. You win.
The entire conversation was in jest.
A man applied for a job as a handy man and the interview went as follows;
INTERVIEWER: Thanks for the interest for the position as a handy man, this role requires work in many different areas to upkeep the building. Are you okay with electrical work.
APPLICANT: Oh no I can't work with anything electrical. My brother was electricuted while working a job so I'm terribly afriad of electrical work.
INTERVIEWER: Oh okay, I understand. Well there will be plenty of painting to be done over the weeks ahead how are you with that?
APPLICANT: Well the thing is I have a very shaky hand and would struggle with a paintbrush, I can't garentee doing a tidy job while painting I'm afraid.
INTERVIEWER: Riiight okay... Well we have some construction work planned with bricks, could you handle that??
APPLICANT: Ahh I have a bad back and would be in great pain bending over to do any brick laying. So no I wouldn't be able to do that.
INTERVIEWER: YOU DO REALIZE WHIS IS A HANDY MAN JOB?!? WHAT THE HECK IS HANDY ABOUT YOU??
APPLICANT: Oh I just live round the corner which I thought would be handy.
So I work at a company that manufactures steel bolts, nuts, washers, anchor/bent bolts, rebar, chains etc. and I'm trying to come up with a t-shirt design for the holiday season. I have the visuals that I want down (a snowflake made out of nuts) but because it's going to be a more fun design ths I've been trying to think of a little pun that I could put across the back, and I'm coming up short.
If it helps we do a lot of forging, pointing, threading, cutting and shipping. We work with steel (and hardened steel) 90% of the time. My workplace is pretty casual so don't feel the need to keep it PG.
About made my wife roll her eyes right out of the car. The 13 and 7 yo boys were in the back goofing around and 7 says "I'm going to shoot you with my foot!" and 13 says "How does that work?"
I said, "It'll only work until his toe jams."
And then I learned that neither of the boys knew what toe jam was.
Slightly long story. Tl:dr had to blurt out a couple of quick Dad Jokes today and nailed it.
Longer version I was wearing my favorite shirt today, in big letters it says: “DAD JOKES: that’s how EYE ROLL”… we were ate a state park with a lake, nice family spot. Near the parking lot at a busy trail crossing on our way in some random guy says “I used to work at the Pepsi factory but I got canned.” It took me a beat or two to realize he was talking to me, our groups had passed each other so I turned back and said “I got fired from the orange juice factory. I couldn’t concentrate!” Everyone laughed and off we went.
Hours later on our way back to the parking lot, same trail crossing. Random (different) guy turns to me and says “Why did Norway put barcodes on the side of their ships?” Ready for that one (thanks r/dadjokes) I respond with “So they can Scandinavian!” The pressure is on, so I turned back and said “What’s a pirates favorite letter?” He says “Arrr” of course. I said “What’s his second favorite letter?” No answer so I give them “P - because it’s like R but is missing a leg!”
Everyone laughs, as we go our separate ways I heard someone in their group say “Oh, he was good!” Perfect day!
Thanks for listening, I just had to share. Always be ready with a couple quick ones!
My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!
“Why so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner said, “Well, this bird used to live in a brothel, and occasionally it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided that for $50, she just had to have the bird.
She took the bird home, hung the cage up in the living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “Meh… That's really not so bad” and laughed it off.
When her two teenage daughters got home from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls!!!” The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then laughed about the situation – considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
A few moments later, the woman’s husband got home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new girls, welcome back Keith!!!”
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