A list of puns related to "Baby Eating"
Hammurabi was Mesopotamian, a baby eating hash browns is a mess o' potato eatin'.
I told her it doesn't taste quite right.
Dad Humpback: Nah. Whatever doesn't krill you makes you stronger.
Who buys gummy worms hoping theyβd taste as close to real worms as possible?
Them: whatβs a madder baby?
Me: Nothing sugar, whatβs a matter with you? π
Sorry if this might be a repost, I didnβt make it up but itβs one of my favorite dad jokes of all time. Itβs really funny when you get someone aggressive whose like βwhat the fucks a madder baby?β
E: added the emoji cuz itβs good to give a sly smirk to finish it off. Also this works MUCH better in person
We need to protect the kids!
The calfeteria!
Hippocampus
She looked at me confused and asked, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980's, but that's not important right now!"
The calfΓ©.
Boomeringue
Wax on, wax off
because they are a little chewy.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘"What's a matter baby?"
"Nothing, I'm fine sweetie. How are you?"
My sister-in-law is feeding my 7 month old nephew. My dad says "Do you feed him any meats yet?" She says "We have chicken and rice and chicken and sweet potatoes." Dad replies with "That's all foul meat." Bazzzing
Holland oats
Why are lamb chops a thing? Why do we have a food named after a baby animal?
Would you ever eat something called puppy steak? Or kitten burger? Or chick fillet?
oh wait.........
Credit goes to Matt from Studio C
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorβs love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevorsβs degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevorβs front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnβt keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
βWellβ said Jeff, βAs Iβm sure you know the convention comes to town laterβ.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
βYes of courseβ replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit β‘In a small county in Southeast Asia there is a small child.
The child loves to eat his delicious baby food and does so constantly.
In what country does the child live?
Viet-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM
We were playing "restaurant", and this was a special restaurant that only only animals went to.
In the middle of playing a family of goats came to the restaurant and they were ordering their food.
"Daddy, what's the baby goat going to eat?"
"The kid's meal"
I cracked myself up
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donβt think theyβll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donβt turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
βEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, βThe good news is..itβll feel better when it quits hurting.'β
Whatβs brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
βIβll call you later!β- βPlease donβt do that. Iβve always asked you to call me Dad!β
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
βMy dad literally told me this one last week: βDid you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.ββ
βWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, βNo, just leave it in the carton!ββ
I got so angry the other day when I couldnβt find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book Iβve ever read, Iβd say: βWow, thatβs coincidental.β
Iβm not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build itβs house? Igloos it together.
βMe: βDad, make me a sandwich!β Dad: βPoof, Youβre a sandwich!ββ
βI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
βHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyβre all girls, otherwise theyβd be uncles.β
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth β its pasteurized before you even see it
βWhatβs Forrest Gumpβs password? 1forrest1β
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: βDonβt worry; this is a piece of cake.β I said: βNo, itβs a math problem.β
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I donβt play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iβm just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit β‘I have a five year old boy and a three year old boy.
They always tell me, "I'm hungry."
I respond with, "I'm Daddy nice to meet you hungry."
The five year old laughs and responds with, "Could you please make me something to eat." He gets it. But the three year old will continue to tell me, "I'm hungry."
Of course I will continue to respond that I'm Daddy. The other night the five year old coached my youngest. "Baby Noah. Say please. Daddy won't get us sumthin to eat."
Noah pauses and says, "Please Daddy. I'm hungry" Before I can respond the five year old, slaps his forehead and sighs, "No baby Noah you're not hungry." Noah looks confused and says, "I'm not?"
I couldn't stop laughing.
My fiancee and I were eating dinner at IHOP and she made a comment about getting full.
I told her there was no need to stuff herself just because she is pregnant.
She said, No. I think I can finish my plate and I'll be fine."
I responded with, "Sweetheart, I don't recommend eating plates they aren't good for the baby."
Her eyes rolled so hard I thought for sure they'd fall out. Needless to say I can't wait to be a father.
My mom was talking to my dad about me while we were eating dinner. At some point she said, "She's my baby, Daddy!" To which my dad deadpan responded immediately with, "No, I'm your baby daddy."
I cringed so hard I very nearly shot the soda I was drinking out of my nose.
How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Whereβs the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history β with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
If it werenβt for C, weβd all be programming in BASI and OBOL.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who donβt.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.
An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks βmay I join you?β
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft⦠and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Itβs a hardware problem.
I named my hard drive βdat assβ so once a month my computer asks if I want to βback dat ass upβ.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as sheβs been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I changed my password to βincorrectβ. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say βYour password is incorrectβ.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Itβs ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didnβt know who he was.
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didnβt have internet.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar
... keep reading on reddit β‘Why couldnβt the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
For Halloween Iβm going to write βLifeβ on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
This Halloween, the only Candy Iβm interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
βHalloweenβ = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Iβll be your trick if youβll be my treat.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Whatβs a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A βhollow-weenie!β
Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).
How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.
Iβm going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always doβ¦ by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, βA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?β The other monster replied, βBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.
The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something youβre not will lead to a sweet reward.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, itβs Election night.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so Iβm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.
What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!
What do Italianβs eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)
Why canβt the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when theyβre hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!
What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope itβs Halloween!!
What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.
We were eating dinner at a local crab restaurant in Maryland when the baby at the table next to us started crying. My 8 year old looked at me and asked "daddy, do you think that baby is crabby?"
My wife and I have a 1 month old baby named Noah.
I texted my father a pic of what I was eating for dinner.
My father (the baby's grandfather)'s comments are in Red.
http://i.imgur.com/i8ZVlWT.png
So we're out at a salad buffet type restaurant with self server ice-cream. My father, being quite the large human, makes himself a monstrosity of an ice-cream. This thing is like 6-8 inches tall and sitting on a baby sugar cone. He proceeds to eat the phalic dessert with much enthusiasm and I ask him,
"Dad are you enjoying that?"
He stops mid lick
"Not half as much as this icecream is"
My father ladies and gentlemen.
Assphyxiation taken from the great contribution of /u/brother_p in /r/Whatcouldgowrong .. here
edit: Though the experienced really wrecked him .. the cub lived to see another day.
My youngest daughter had a developmental disability as a toddler. As a result, she was very withdrawn and functionally mute until the age of four. I made up a joke and taught it to her in an attempt to get her to open up a little. It worked.
Me: What does the dog say?
Her: Woof!
Me: What does the cat say?
Her: Meow!
Me: What does the cow say?
Her: Eat More Chikin!
Thanks, Chik-Fil-A, for helping to bring my baby girl out of her shell.
I was holding my month-old son after dinner and he kept ripping ass (seriously, this kid farts so loudly I get blamed for it). My wife comes up behind me and asks, "so, are you surviving his... ass-ault?" and gives me this shit-eating grin. I groaned, the baby farted, I changed his diaper (as is my duty.. heh heh... duty).
This was about 10 years ago. We went on a picnic and my dad was eating baby carrots. He kept cutting three rings in his carrots and my mom kept yelling at him saying it was inappropriate. I was eating baby carrots and I just realized he was making the carrot look like a butt plug and kept winking to my mom about it.
Me: βlove, whatβs a matter baby?β
Her: βnothing. Whatβs a matter with you?β
Iβm so proud.
"Try the Airplane." I said.
"Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980's but that's not important right now..."
The calfateria
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘I said, β Are you sure your baby would like it?β
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit β‘Dad: No way am I going to eat my own baby. And if I did, I would NOT want to share.
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