A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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There was an exposure at the Kodak store today

It will take some time to get the full picture.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zerglet13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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Picture Perfect Puns

Ancient Scot Richard's Warriors: Dick's Picts

Loki - Trick pics (from my brother)

Pictures of an Adam Sandler movie: "Click" pics.

Pictures of a Kaitlin Olson character: The Mick's pics

Screenahots of these comments: Wit pics

Leaky faucet: drip pics

X1 Cumberbatch photos: Benedict pics

X2 Pope photos: Benedict pics (also works)

X3 Turncoat snaps: Benedict pics

X4 "Wong" image: Benedict pics

Legal command: Writ pics

Pictures of twigs: Stick pics

A Christmas Story scene: lick pics

Pictures of a Winter Saint: Nick pics

Syringe photos: prick pics (from a friend)

Sporting goods store images: Dick's pics.

Dan Harmon cartoon character: Rick's pics.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndySkibba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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My wife came home from work stressed out from her day. I asked her how I could help, she asked me to draw her a bath.

I showed her the drawing I made, she replied β€œthat wasn’t really what I had pictured...”

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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Blood and Organ related puns please

So a colleague is leaving my work (transfusion medicine lab) to work as an information manager for the organ transplant service. I make cards and I’m trying to think up something punny to write on/in his card and I’ll paint a picture on the front for context. I was thinking like β€œbloody good luck” or β€œsorry you’re transplanting”... but less shitty!

Thanks in advance :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Massive-Lock-6048
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I'm really tired of seeing just text posts here
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acherem13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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My creative writing teacher told me to submit a creative 2,000 word essay.

So, I gave her 2 pictures.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1biglebowski
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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I took a picture of my son sleeping earlier today.

Then I sent the picture to the FBI as evidence of a kid napping.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perrin42
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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*On a date*

Date: So, what do you do?

Me: * holds up menu * you just pick one from this picture book of meals.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Niyi_M
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Did you hear about the artist who gave up on his uncompleted drawing after accidentally breaking his pencil?

Apparently, there was no point to continue drawing the picture

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AesSedai99
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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A man goes into a pet store to buy a puppy to keep his horses company in their stable.

"What's the best breed for horses like those you'd see in the old west movies," he asks the owner, "my mares are just like that." The owner thinks for a minute, then replies "Dachshund."

The man is surprised, and replies "are you sure about that? I was picturing something bigger that wouldn't get trampled on." The owner nods, and says "Yup, it's just like the movies - if you want your horses to behave, you get a long little doggie."

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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So a blonde girl is deciding to be a videogame Youtuber....

After she makes and edits her video she starts to take pictures of her hands. Her mom walks by seeing this and asks "Why are you taking so many pictures of your thumbs?". The blond girl replies " If you want people to watch your YouTube videos you gotta have great thumbnail pictures."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amart1985
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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My doctor was trying to describe the treatment plan for my frostbite.

I couldn't picture it, so she showed me a faux toe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cobclob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.

Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/levitron
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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So proud of my daughter, who ran upstairs to tell me our downstairs toilet was smoking.

She seemed really, really scared. When I told her I couldn’t smell smoke, she showed me this picture: https://imgur.com/gallery/RbplooY, giggling like crazy.

Chip off the old block she is!

Edit: thank you so much for my first ever award!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/superdad0206
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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My father was in the army...

And I remember he used to be stationed in exotic places all over the world. Once he came back home with a very exotic looking bird. I asked him what kind of a bird it was and he told me it’s a rare almost extinct species called a Foux (pronounced Foo). This foux was the apple of his eye and he would take care of the bird as if it was his own child. Sometime during this period the Foux began developing a real bad case of constipation and my father was really worried about it. He tried all kinds of medicines to make the Foux pass it’s bowels, but nothing was working. One day, during this period, I woke up to a huge argument taking place between my parents. My mom was accusing him of cheating on her during one of his tours, she had found some pictures of him and another woman and he was denying it vehemently. I realized then that my father had been quite the philanderer and this wasn’t the first time he had been caught. My mom was trying to get him to just admit to his indiscretion.

β€œWhy don’t you just admit it Harry”, she said;

but he stuck to his denial,

β€œYou think I could ever do something like this Sarah”, he said.

Right then amidst all this ruckus, the Foux began to take a dump, in the middle of the living room.

My mom looked at the bird, then looked back at my dad and with a sense of resignation she just said β€œWell if the Foux shits...”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RangaRedRascal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Butt encouragement puns!

Hey guys! I need combinations of words for ass and words that mean something in the realm of β€œmaking someone happy”

Context: a friend of mine and I send each other selfies on the toilet and she’s having a shitty day (hah) so I bent over the toilet and stuck my ass in the air and took a picture like my ass was taking a selfie and now I need something punny yet encouraging to say

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HyenaKing
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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What is the difference between Jesus Christ and his picture?

His picture only requires one nail to hang

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Manos2532005
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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Joke I came up with today

So this surgeon always posts pictures of the masks he wears during his surgery on Instagram. He does this every single time he has a surgery, and his nurses can never understand why. Eventually, he garners a massive following on Instagram. So, he goes into his supervisor's room, and he says, "Hello, it's a pleasure to see you". The supervisor says, "To what do I owe the pleasure?" The surgeon says, "Well, my Instagram business is really taking off. I think it would be better for me to quit being a surgeon and focus on Instagram full time". The supervisor thinks he's a little crazy but decides to let him do what he wants. The former surgeon now goes and buys as many masks as he can to sustain his Instagram account. Eventually, he becomes so wealthy that he is able to buy all these lavish things and not have to worry about economic failure. However, one day, he decides to begin posting pictures of medical needles on his Instagram account instead of masks at about the same time that he gets a horrible sickness that is almost always fatal. Because he posts pictures of masks now, his account begins failing, and even though he tries to save it, he's unable. He no longer has any money to treat the illness and is on his deathbed. His entire family is surrounding him, and his father leans in to hug him. As this happens, the ex-surgeon says in a weak voice, "Dad, where did I go wrong?" The dad, with tears in his eyes, seeing what his son has been reduced to and sadly knowing his dear son's death is imminent says, "You post syringe, you lose subscriber"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoPolesGaming
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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I would name my son: β€œAnother”

*School Teacher: Who can solve this? Another? Other than another?

*Adult Friend showing his picture to his crush

  • Do you love this man?
  • I love another Work 100%. Either β€œI don’t love another”.

*Funeral

  • Hey, who’s die?
  • Another, man.
  • But who?
  • Another.
  • I know but who, god damn it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/annguyenhus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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My friend from high school became an engineer or something.

He would design vehicles and stuff like no other.

One day he called me and said he had a very special design planned for his next vehicle.

So I asked him: "What's the big design you're working on?"

He said: "Its a secret. You'll find out later."

A few months later, he sends me a picture of this amazing motorbike that's entirely made of wood and nothing else. I called him back and told him I really liked it and if I could ride it.

He replied in a deep and depressing voice: "You can't I'm sorry. I threw it away."

I asked him why he threw away such a masterpiece he worked so hard to make.

He replied: "I tried everything..... But it just wooden start!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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I used to hate photography

But after putting the image near my eye I finally saw the bigger picture

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aqeel01
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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I hear that Neil Armstrong was very comfortable when he landed on the Moon.

And from the pictures I saw, his suit does seem like it has a lot of space inside

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperDave-1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos.

We couldn't settle between two of them. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one.

So, I told her, "Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigMartin58
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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If you upload 1000 pictures on Instagram..

.. is it like uploading one picture in Instakilogram?

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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My friend went to Egypt and claimed he never swam in a river.

I showed him a picture and he's still in denial.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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So a teenage boy asks a girl out to prom

He asks her out, and he needs to plan, so first, he needs his tuxedo.

So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and there's a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo.

Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, there's a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo.

On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes goes by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building!

So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, "hey can you get us some punch?"

So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what?

There's no punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/infinityglitches
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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This Sacramento comedy show is basically a pun-themed rap battle

A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.

Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.

I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."

Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/capitolpuns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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10 Stupid Puns
  1. My friend once told me she watched Regular Show all the time. I said, "I guess you could say you watch it regularly." We are not friends anymore. (True Story)

  2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

  3. I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But IΒ mistΒ my chance. I guess I couldΒ dewΒ itΒ tomorrow!

  4. Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.

  5. Why do eggs hate jokes? The answers always crack them up!

  6. What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"

  7. Somebody stole all my lamps…. And I couldn't be more de-lighted!

  8. I once met a pig that did karate… We called him Pork Chop!

  9. Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

  10. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

(Source For All Puns Except The First) https://bestlifeonline.com/bad-funny-puns/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/punsdaily
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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A proud mom gave birth to twins that she named Juan and Amal.

She only carries one picture because once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sk1wbw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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I don't know how my life would be without my camera

I just can't picture it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stripyKiwi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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My fuckin friends

My friends: How did the camera scare the picture

Me: what

My friends: a cameRAAA

ME:πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deejthahunter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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An eskimo was showing another eskimo pictures of his house...

... The other eskimo said "That's an ice picture!".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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I have always wanted to take selfies for a living.

I can picture myself doing it!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cplaprade
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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I married the prince...

I went online and saw that a nigerian princess wanted to send me millions of dollars. However, I had to send $100 for handling fees on the check. However, I wanted confirmation. So I had her send me a picture. She did. Now, a princess needs a prince right? So I went online and found a picture of an eligible bachelor prince. Some guy from Jordan. I then took the two images, placed them side by side, and had some photoshopped ceremonial garb.

In otherwords, I married the prints. Of course, I took pictures of the happy event and sent them to the "princess" with the caption "I already married the prints." The scammer didn't reply unfortunately.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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I would make a joke about cameras but...

I couldn't picture it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rslashhuman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
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My Dad is currently riding his bicycle across America to raise awareness for Colon Cancer...

[and posted a picture of him and his bike on a rest day.] (https://i.imgur.com/IapqomG.png)

Edit: Whoa this is getting popular. I live on the other side of the world, and am about to go to bed, but I am just going to put his [donation page] (http://ccf.convio.net/site/TR?px=3433802&fr_id=1580&pg=personal) at the top of the post if anyone is interested. It is no big deal, but if someone is looking, I thought I'd put it at the top. Either way, you all are going to make his day when I show him how many people appreciated his joke. I just hope this doesn't mean that I have to laugh at all of them from now on...

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/travellingby
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2017
🚨︎ report
I told my wife I was going to make her an affogato for dessert and then handed her this:
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigphokinsoupguy
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today…

We were walking around and soon he said, β€œLook Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”

I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.

β€œWhat did you just call it?” I asked.

β€œIt's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
🚨︎ report
I was at the museum recently

I asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures.

He said no, they had to stay on the walls

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AhPigeons
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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A Father is someone who puts...

pictures where his money use to be.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coot32
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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Every Girl...

My buddy Dan hated this picture.

I told him he had it wrong, because....

https://preview.redd.it/a8938op039o31.jpg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b1efb0347ef57317f3ca2ca41199518c677207bb

.... "Every Girl Crazy 'bout a Shark Dress, Man !"

(spins guitar on belt buckle)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zman4
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture

πŸ‘︎ 197
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deaconater
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
🚨︎ report

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