I like to hold hands at the movies.

Which always seems to startle strangers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beej2000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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I didn't like the Sylvester Stallone movies where he was a boxer at first.

It started out Rocky, but now it's a creed I live by.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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Got my gf today at the movies

Her: I love movie theater popcorn so much. It's just so good! Even people that don't like popcorn like movie theater popcorn!

Me: I guess you could say it's...popular corn.

She was not pleased.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wulffu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
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At the movies, me: Two tickets please!

Cashier: Sure. For the Hobbit?

Me: How dare you, sir! That’s my date!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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Got my daughter good at the movies.

Me: "try and touch this cheese"

(Daughter reaches for it)

Me: "that's nacho cheese!"

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2015
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My SO and I were at the movies last night...

And I bought her M&Ms for a snack. The movie is letting out and we are sitting there talking.

Her - "ugh the M&Ms are melted."

I begin to tell her M&Ms history about how they were made so soldiers could have chocolate without the worry of them melting.

Her -" but the shells are sweaty"

" yeah how else do you think they stay cool?"

She literally just got up and left while I was sitting there laughing my ass off.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheepdog136
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2016
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Got the GF at the movies

She wanted to see How To Be Single. The main character is a paralegal. She moves into a nice apartment in NYC. GF leans over.

Her:how can she afford that. She's just a paralegal. Me:she probably makes more than one legal.

Groans and eye rolls to follow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/laydownthepwn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2016
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Dad next to me at the movies commented this

"Dad, what's the movie about?"

"It's about two bankers on a conference call... 'Interteller'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/urukhai434
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2014
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GF Got Me At The Movies Last Night

Me (making fun of Indiana): Do you want some of my corn?

Her: Isn't it Pop's corn?

Guy behind us: Really? tries to hold laughter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whythisname
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2014
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At the movies a couple of years ago..

Me and my dad went to see iron man 2 (I think?).. I'm pretty sure this is the one with the scene of Thor's hammer at the end of the credits. Well anyway, right after that after-credits scene my dad stands up, stretches, and announces "man that scene has me thor all over!"

Nobody laughed except my father, who continued to laugh all the way out to the parking lot.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThickPotato
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2014
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I got my daughter at the movies yesterday...

...she was dropped off by her mother and I drove her home after it was over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDadiator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
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Dad joked at the movies

My SO and I were trying to decide what movie to go see.

I asked, "is Maze Runner out yet? It looks awesome."

He said, "it looks amazing."

I think he'll be a good dad in a few years.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lady_S_87
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2014
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Dad at the movies

My dad and I walked into the movie theater and got our 3D glasses. Immediately he puts them on and starts looking at his hands, yelling
"It's all so 3D!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lindonmichael
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2013
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I finally saw the new Justice League movie but when the heroes ended up in a funky little shack down the Atlanta highway, I was confused at first.

It was the Fred Schneider cut. Oops!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/logansworth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie β€œup”

It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, β€œJust take your Up, vote and go.”

πŸ‘︎ 812
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Silent--Soliloquy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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My boss at the movie theatre asked me why I haven't sold any M&M's

I told him it's not my fault they're hard-sell candy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashindabank
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Which Pirates of the Caribbean movie is a favorite of Flat-earthers...?

At World's End.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Just_arrived_here
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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What did the manager at the animation studio say when they completed a movie?

Teamwork makes the Dreamworks

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CookieMess110717
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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Why was the audience bored at the horror movie?

Because they had to wait for It

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MFD123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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How does a logician explain why long lines form at the restroom after a movie?

If a lot of people have to urinate, a long line will tend to form. A lot of people do have to urinate after a movie, and thus there is a long restroom line. Put a bit more formally:
Pee implies queue. Pee, therefore queue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaperSpock
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
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I always try to show my appreciation for the people at the movie theater who sell me my popcorn, soda, candy, etc.

After all, these people make a lot of concessions at work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gideonindc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Lethal Weapon 3(-some)

Film Producer: β€œThis is supposed to be a β€œBuddy Cop” movie, why do they have this steamy sex scene together?”

Director: β€œBecause everyone enjoys cop-porn at the movies!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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I got booted off stage at a Karaoke bar. I was trying to sing 'Danger Zone' from that Top Gun movie. I forgot the lyrics three times.

They said I exceeded my Loggins attempts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slartibartfastBB
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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I recently bumped into someone at the movie theater...

He told me, β€œwatch the fuck out man!”

I walked up to the ticket counter and asked him when β€œthe fuck out man was playing”, but there sadly weren’t any showings in the area.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeetyK
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?

Valhalla Snackbar!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MayonnaiseUnicorn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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I was at the movie theatre and somebody turned off the screen... thats a pretty dark joke if you ask me
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IronFootBoy1234
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
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I saw a movie at the theater the other day.

IT was pretty good.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KevinsnotFunny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
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A guy at work told me he hadn’t gotten around to seeing the new It movie...

...I asked if he was too busy clowning around.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaddCricket84
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2017
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Sir Patrick Stewart got into a fight with an audience member at 'The Emoji Movie' premiere...

...apparently the shit hit the fan.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andy399
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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Friend's dad at the movie theatre

This happened a few years ago, but I only just discovered this sub, so here it is. Friend's dad took a few of us to see 300 in IMAX. There were a couple big digital marquees with the movie names and times once we got inside. One of them included "RESTROOM" on the bottom. We thought this was hilarious and started saying "let's go see Restroom instead! It sounds great! Hahaha."

Friend's dad turns to us with a completely straight face and says, "Nah, I heard it stinks."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlapYourHands
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2013
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Tonight I was at the movie theater snack bar with my fiancΓ©...

Me: I'll have a cheeseburger, hotdog, 2 tater tots, 1 popcorn and a large soda.

Cashier: Will that be all?

Me: (turn to fiancΓ©) I dont know, do you want anything?

Her eyes have never rolled so fast.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedneckHippie111
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
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Dad sits in an empty seat at the movie theater

and the lady in the seat next to him says, "Excuse me, there's someone sitting there". Dad gets up, turns around, looks at the seat more closely and says, "Oh gosh, I hope I didn't hurt him".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LunarLadle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2015
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My dad was cooking and watching a movie on TV at the same time

I went in and asked him do you like it? He says "I haven't eaten it yet" so I point at the TV and say "No I meant that" and he replies "Idk I haven't eaten that either"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gonewildlover111
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2016
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Dad joked my husband at the movie theater

Me: Did you put butter on the popcorn?

Him: Yeah, I must have been pouring butter for a solid minute.

Me: Thank god it wasn't a gaseous minute!

Him: That would have been very unpleasant for the people around me.

We make a good team :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/persephone11185
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2015
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I met a woman once at a party celebrating my father's 50th birthday.

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A__Wild__Goose
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Nolan!

Christopher Nolan's new and highly anticipated movie will be released on December 15 in blu-ray. Finally I can watch the movie at Tenet-p.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saddam78610
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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At the movie theater.

My brother and I were watching this movie called Nonstop. For those who don't know, it's about Liam Neeson and he has to stop killings on a plane every twenty minutes.

So there's a scene where the plane depressurizes and I leaned toward my brother and whispered, "You know, if I was in that situation, I'd be under a lot of pressure too".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asdfbleh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2014
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I was working the ticket drop at the movie theater last night...

Dad spends 35 dollars on tickets for him and his family to see Divergent.

As the group approaches the ticket drop, I hear the dad ask the mom what half of 35 is. She says "17 and half" and the dad gets this big shit eating grin. I rip their ticket stubs and the dad puts on a serious face and says "All right, I'd like $17.50 back please."

The whole family proceeds to groan and tell him to stop as I reluctantly play along and pretend to find some cash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gurame21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2014
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Groundhog Day

Not completely sure this is a dadjoke but it sure got the same reaction. This happened about two years ago.

My wife used to work nights and on Friday and Saturday after she went to work, my then-12yo son and I would often watch a movie together. Sometimes he picked, usually it was a movie from The List, movies I liked when I was his age, things that shaped my sense of humor. I want him to be able to recognize the stupid quotes and references I throw at him. It’s his cultural education.

So we settled in for Groundhog Day. I’m a sucker for time travel shenanigans. Finished it up, he enjoyed it, and the next morning he was off to Boy Scout camp for a week.

He came back, we’re all excited to see him, and I tell him I got Groundhog Day 2 from Netflix. Threw it in the DVD player and we got about 20 minutes into before he looked at me and said β€œthis is just Groundhog Day all over again, isn’t it? There is no Groundhog Day 2.”

So worth an extra week hanging onto the disc.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shellexyz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies β€œI just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says β€œOkay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks β€œWhat movie were you watching?” The son replies β€œFinding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais β€œOkay, okay. We were watching porn”

Dad said β€œWhat?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says β€œWow. He certainly is your son.”

The robot slaps the mother.

πŸ‘︎ 391
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gavralex04
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
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