Craig David has volunteered to help out at the next Olympics, he has been assigned to Archery...

He said β€œHe’s delighted to be the bo selecta”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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Using the word β€˜but’ in an English Assignment is good,

However.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yep-guy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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Got a math assignment from my teacher the other day...

When I glanced over the assignment , I noticed one of the problems was missing.

I waved down the teacher, and he came over and said, "Everything looking good?"

I said, "I don't see a problem here."

He looked at me and said, "Great!" and walked away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayWolf85
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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What do you call an invisible mom who was assigned male at birth?

Transparent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CreativeBake7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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I put the memory device with the class assignment into the computer. Unfortunately, I chose the wrong one and porn started showing.

Oooops. Wrong USB.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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A surgeon had three surgeries assigned to the same day. After the first one he said: "One done, tumor to go"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pilot230
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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Actually made me laugh gender fluid means you arent binary to one gender and transgender mean you do not identify as the gender assigned to you at birth
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noobs_rule3n
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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Multiple thefts of porch steps from different addresses in downtown Detroit.

Top Detectives have been assigned to the stair case.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Team_Pineapple
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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It was funnier in my head

I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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What did the teacher assign to the stripper?

Hometwerk

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drainiac
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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So there are three female wizards assigned to protect three Rolex time pieces. My only question?

Which witch would watch which watch?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JHPSwitzer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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My daughter is doing a workbook to stay up on school in the summer. One of the assignments is to right a joke.

Her joke: β€œI’m going to turn 9 on Wednesday. It’s going to be quite a birthday”

Hi going to turn 9 on Wednesday. It’s going to be quite a birthday. I’m Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darkkwraith
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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Matthew McConaughey is a professor now!! When he gives his students research assignments he instructs them to . . .

All Write! All Write! All Write!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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Why did the Olympic athlete throw his reading assignment away?

His professor asked him to discus it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StanggTwin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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Long, stupid Dad joke

The ancient Greeks greatly feared volcanic explosions from Mt. Olympus, so they developed a tradition of sacrificing young maidens to the Gods on the mountain. Every year they selected five girls, and sacrificed four. Then they assigned the other one to stomp the olive harvest. That’s where we get Extra Virgin Olive Oil.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Addama33
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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As a reporter, I've done quite a few odd assignments. One especially memorable assignment was to report on the barefoot ginger convention.

Over 2,000 gingers showed up and there wasn't a sole to be seen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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What seat number on the airplane did Nashville get assigned?

10C

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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My friend said, β€œI’ll never buy from a store that assigns genders to kids’ beds!”

I said, β€œBoycott?”

Him: That’s what I mean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
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I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.

My homework ate my dog.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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My weird boss has assigned designated bathroom times for each employee, and now it’s my turn.

I don’t need this shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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If today was a homework assignment...

It would be a piece of cake!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jtang6031
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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What is it called when you assign your grandma to your speed dial?

Instagram.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sr_ChalupaBatman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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I think my English professor wants me to skip most of his assigned essay.

Or maybe I’m just jumping to a conclusion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
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Did you hear about the teacher who carelessly assigned every student a good grade, regardless of their actual work?

She gave zero F’s.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vicious_viridian
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
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I tell dad jokes but I don't have any kids...

I'm a faux pa

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shoshilyawkward
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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My first job was on a ship, I was assigned to look for navigational markers. I was a Buoy Scout.
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
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Son, your daddy's going to be home soon. The prison ran out of metal furniture so they assigned me to a cell with with an inflatable bed.

It's an air-rested development.

Love, Dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Torley_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
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My school assignments are like latino gangs

They're all just essays

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgniloOfAstora19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2016
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The words 'assign' and 'allocate' are very significant.

They both mean allot to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vyashole
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2016
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(Request) Need title for school assignment

Hello there,

I am doing a science project on cleaning products and I need a catchy title, so I figured I would go with a pun. The problem is, I can't think of one! If you guys could help me think of a one-liner pun involving somethng cleaning related, I would be very grateful!

Thanks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rcjuneau
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2013
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I told my English teacher I planned on writing my onomatopoeia assignment on the word fap

He told me I was to discuss ting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbace715
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
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Did you hear about the newspaper reporter assigned to cover spiky vegetables?

It's a rough beet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derptron5K
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2017
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So I had just finished my Data Visualisation assignment on Microsoft Excel when suddenly it crashed. I nearly shit me cacks when I realised I forgot to save it. Thanks be to jaysus the program restarted with my graph intact...

... Lads, I almost lost the plot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pot8toes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
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Plant/Music Puns

I am looking for some sort or plant/gardening puns from famous song lyrics for a class assignment such as:

You can grow your own way

-or-

Don't grow so close to me

Any help?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fornicaked
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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My girlfriend was working on a school assignment and said "I'm having trouble spelling today"

"T-o-d-a-y" apparently wasn't the response she was looking for.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RebarBusiness
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2016
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We were talking about assignments in class

It was the end of the class, we were talking about due assignments (Master thesis prep group, cuz iamverysmart). Things were getting a bit informal, when one of my fellow students asked:

"When do we get our graded paper back?"

to which I loudly yelled:

"I'd like a hardcover!"

Some snorted, some didn't understand it, but the overarching sound I heard was loud groaning. Worth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FelixR1991
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2015
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English professor after a reading assignment

Are we all on the same page?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/inflictedkfcman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2015
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When my friend was complaining to me about her high school homework assignment

Friend: "Ugh! I have so much homework tonight! And the worst part is that it's all in English!"

Me: "Thank goodness, because I was worried it would all be in Chinese, and then you couldn't do it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chunkymonkeyman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2015
🚨︎ report
How'd I get from Iraq to Pakistan?

Iran

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IceColdKofi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2017
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While collecting assignments from student's desks I spied one that said, "How do you make a teacher crazy?"(turn over)

Have him turn paper over for no apparent reason.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rathjame
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2014
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[Request] I need help thinking of a slogan

We have an assignment to create a political party. My party is A.S.S. I need a slogan that fits the name, and is funny. The best one I could come up with is:

"Act now, Ass questions later"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CreepingItVale
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your postΒ to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach...

β€œHaΒ­Β­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

β€œSure, it does,” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2017
🚨︎ report

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