Once a man assaulted me with milk, cheese and butter

How dairy

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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I was assaulted with a can of soda

I'm lucky it was just a soft drink

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shiva8512
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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I was assaulted with a bag of soil

But I can't go to the cops cause they got dirt on me.

πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WA9ACE
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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If a baker assaults somebody with a baguette...

...can he be charged with assault with a breadly weapon?

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrillWolf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Why did the judge set the bail so low for the ostrich charged with assault?

He wasn't a flight risk.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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Did you hear about the solider that got hit with mustard gas and pepper spray?

He’s now a seasoned veteran

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CuteBearLegs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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Be careful: if you keep making these terrible puns...

...you could get be charged with 'assault with a dad-ly weapon'.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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4 prisoners are telling each other what they were convicted for

The First man says: I committed 2nd degree murder

The Second says: I committed: 1st degree assault

The Third says: I committed 1st degree possession of drugs

The Fourth man simply says: Arson

The Second man asks him: What degree was it?

The Fourth man responds: I'm not sure, it was pretty hot though. About 525 Celsius-ish

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsectNation1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?

Where's popcorn?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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A man asks a police officer if it’s a crime to throw sodium chloride in someone’s eyes

Officer: β€œYes, that’s assault!”

Man: β€œI know it’s a salt, but is it a crime?”

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trace826621
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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What did Thumper get charged with when he stole a slurp of Bambi's ice-cream cone?

Assault-lick.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Animakitty
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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Assault camera
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
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An iPhone assaulted and robbed an Android for nurishment.

It was charged with battery.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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I was once assaulted by a group of mimes.

I never heard them coming

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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Today a man tried to assault me with a knife

Damn, that was a sharp moment.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NothingHereBuddy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet

We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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I tried to date a rabbi but when people found out I got physically assaulted.

Be careful what Jewish for, you just might get hit

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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At the casino a woman accused me of assault

And I say "But I'm the blackjack dealer, it's my job to hit people."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nicholas-Pressey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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Did you hear that the Air Force just bought a bunch of copies of The Little Mermaid on DVD?

They must be preparing for an Ariel assault.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkenRedittor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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Most people know some peanuts are assaulted, but do you know which vegetable did it?

Beats me!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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Lawyer - Is it crime to throw salt in someone's eyes?

Judge - Yes, that's assault!

Lawyer - I know it's a salt but is it a crime?

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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What do you call someone who regularly assaults people?

A seasoned offender.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ireallydontker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a cop season their food?

With assault and pepper spray!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VerbalAcrobatics
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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If you attack someone with a jalapeΓ±o... is it assault

Or a pepper?

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kafuto2147
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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My coworkers and I enjoy creating visual puns
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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Why did seven assault nine?

He really heighted him

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoodiededumdum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that there was a big fight down at the fish and chips shop

The fish got battered and the chips got assaulted

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmazingAlasdair
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Apparently there was an almond charged with aggravated assault.

I get the police do a lot of good, but I don’t know how I feel about them busting a nut in public.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adc2502
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
A local man was arrested for attacking his neighbor with a taser that didn't work.

He was charged with assault without battery.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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I was in a food fight at school & accidentally hit the principal with a stale cafeteria bun...

...the jerk had me charged; assault with a breadly weapon.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Even if you use fresh water in a water gun...

It's still assault water.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cindolintoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandad was assaulted in the war with pepper spray and mustard gas.

He's a seasoned veteran

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ABOYCALLEDBRYAN
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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I threw a fuzzy peach at his head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar"
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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Two Peanuts walk into a bar

One was Assaulted

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did sodium get arrested?

For assault

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CKRET__
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened to the phone that assaulted a human?

It got "charged" with "battery".

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlphaRedDiamond
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s the opposite of assault?

A pepper.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-think-Im-funny
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
🚨︎ report
What's a Cops favorite kind of latte.

Assaulted Caramel.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChocolateyScholar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
On my way to work today, a man assaulted me by throwing a block of cheese and a bar of butter at me.

How dairy.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/This_Guyyyyyyyy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
🚨︎ report
A man assaulted me with milk, cream and butter !

How dairy

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Once a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese.

How dairy.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigPoon23
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s actually a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone.

It’s assault.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/watanabelover69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Is it a crime to throw NaCl on someone's eyes?

It's assault

I know it's a salt but is it a crime?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MAGICJJAFFFF
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?

Person: Yes, that's assault.

Me: Yes I know it's a salt, but is it a crime?

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abhish3kjain
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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Once upon a time a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese.

How dairy!

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Miyashinzki
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

πŸ‘︎ 179
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattlg94
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
🚨︎ report
When you spray someone with pepper spray

Does it become assault?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeF4y
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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