Once a man assaulted me with milk, cheese and butter
I was assaulted with a can of soda
I'm lucky it was just a soft drink
I was assaulted with a bag of soil
But I can't go to the cops cause they got dirt on me.
If a baker assaults somebody with a baguette...
...can he be charged with assault with a breadly weapon?
Why did the judge set the bail so low for the ostrich charged with assault?
Did you hear about the solider that got hit with mustard gas and pepper spray?
He’s now a seasoned veteran
Be careful: if you keep making these terrible puns...
...you could get be charged with 'assault with a dad-ly weapon'.
4 prisoners are telling each other what they were convicted for
The First man says: I committed 2nd degree murder
The Second says: I committed: 1st degree assault
The Third says: I committed 1st degree possession of drugs
The Fourth man simply says: Arson
The Second man asks him: What degree was it?
The Fourth man responds: I'm not sure, it was pretty hot though. About 525 Celsius-ish
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
A man asks a police officer if it’s a crime to throw sodium chloride in someone’s eyes
Officer: “Yes, that’s assault!”
Man: “I know it’s a salt, but is it a crime?”
What did Thumper get charged with when he stole a slurp of Bambi's ice-cream cone?
An iPhone assaulted and robbed an Android for nurishment.
It was charged with battery.
I was once assaulted by a group of mimes.
I never heard them coming
Today a man tried to assault me with a knife
Damn, that was a sharp moment.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried
I tried to date a rabbi but when people found out I got physically assaulted.
Be careful what Jewish for, you just might get hit
At the casino a woman accused me of assault
And I say "But I'm the blackjack dealer, it's my job to hit people."
Did you hear that the Air Force just bought a bunch of copies of The Little Mermaid on DVD?
They must be preparing for an Ariel assault.
Most people know some peanuts are assaulted, but do you know which vegetable did it?
Lawyer - Is it crime to throw salt in someone's eyes?
Judge - Yes, that's assault!
Lawyer - I know it's a salt but is it a crime?
What do you call someone who regularly assaults people?
How does a cop season their food?
With assault and pepper spray!
If you attack someone with a jalapeño... is it assault
My coworkers and I enjoy creating visual puns
Why did seven assault nine?
Did you hear that there was a big fight down at the fish and chips shop
The fish got battered and the chips got assaulted
Apparently there was an almond charged with aggravated assault.
I get the police do a lot of good, but I don’t know how I feel about them busting a nut in public.
A local man was arrested for attacking his neighbor with a taser that didn't work.
He was charged with assault without battery.
I was in a food fight at school & accidentally hit the principal with a stale cafeteria bun...
...the jerk had me charged; assault with a breadly weapon.
Even if you use fresh water in a water gun...
It's still assault water.
My grandad was assaulted in the war with pepper spray and mustard gas.
I threw a fuzzy peach at his head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar"
Two Peanuts walk into a bar
Why did sodium get arrested?
What happened to the phone that assaulted a human?
It got "charged" with "battery".
What’s the opposite of assault?
What's a Cops favorite kind of latte.
On my way to work today, a man assaulted me by throwing a block of cheese and a bar of butter at me.
A man assaulted me with milk, cream and butter !
Once a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese.
It’s actually a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone.
Is it a crime to throw NaCl on someone's eyes?
It's assault
I know it's a salt but is it a crime?
Me: Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?
Person: Yes, that's assault.
Me: Yes I know it's a salt, but is it a crime?
Once upon a time a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
When you spray someone with pepper spray
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