Asham Puns

Wife: "Why are you shouting?"

Me: "Because you're on the other side of the road. "

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

They were completely booked.

So I only wished for a medium dick.

It’s still small, but now it can talk to ghosts.

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"

She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes please."

"Where are you?"

"Over here...on the swing."

I will SEE myself out

'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.

'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.

Edit : Holy crap ! More than 1K updoots for a silly joke ? Thanks guys ! I am not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of myself.

After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"

it's a dart board on a ceiling.

True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked “how do you feel?”

Without hesitation he replied “with my fingers” and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled “good one!”

It’s “P” is silent.

My 3 year old daughter recently began to ask questions about everything - before she just went on with our routine.

Today we told her we should go get some lunch. She said "what is lunch?" - as in, "what are we having for lunch?"

I went on to to explain to her what lunch is; at what time it's had, how it is placed in the mouth with utensils, how the food is chewed, etc.

She just stared at me with a blank face of utter confusion. I can't wait until she starts to get these and actually finds them annoying.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Friend A, while pulling up his pants in aggravation, said, "I need to get a belt."

I responded, "I have an extra belt if you need it. I've actually been meaning to throw it away."

Without hesitation, Friend B chimed in with, "...but he didn't want it to go to waste."

This all mainly involves my actions and thinking to myself.

So I'm cutting my nails with clippers, the clipping seem to travel at a pretty high velocity then cut.

anyway, at one moment I had the clippers facing away from me, meaning my nails were pointing at me. When I cut, the clipping flew up and hit me on the eyelid, felt very close to going in.

That's when I thought:

"Shit, I almost nailed myself in the eye"

Plastic surgery!

We had begun a section on 'change management', and to prove his point, the facilitator challenged us to try to name one thing that does not involve change.

I proudly shouted out "A CREDIT CARD!"

He looks at me and asks, "A... credit card?"

I reply, "Yes. There is no change when paying with a credit card..."

It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.

She calls it my crow aggression.

Because they have a supreme ruler

That's what I get for bringing a 4-in-1.

Little brother touching some chains:

Sister: Stop touching those, Jack

Me: Yeah, chain on you!

Brother: That might have been the worst joke I've ever heard...

I'm not a dad but right there I felt like one

Me: Take that sticker off your shirt before you put it in the hamper.

Daughter: I'll put it on a piece of paper to save it for tomorrow.

Me: Throw it away, it won't be sticky tomorrow. By then it will just be an "-er".

a rip-off

Fr0stman: Dad why is gay marriage such a big issue?

Dad: Because people are fucking assholes :D!!!

So I checked r/dadjokes, to see how other people repost

this here

Subtle-tea!

why

Now all my music sounds Grainy

Apparently it kept synching when docked

Edit: I know spelling of 'their' is wrong. Cannot be changed.

Because they’re always undercover.

(My first original Dad joke. Inspired by my son)

this soup is the worst

(jk borscht is the best. we have a generational recipe for it. I am ashamed of myself for even posting this and my ancestors shame me from the heavens)

haha I'll see you guys next time

I dad joked my 3 year old daughter.

Me: What do you want for dinner? her: I don't know. Me: I don't know how to make that.