An old man on his deathbed calls together his family. “My darling wife are you here?” he asks. “Yes dear, I'm here”, she replies. “And my son, are you here” he gasps. “Yeah dad, I'm right here.” “My darling daughter are you here?” “Yes daddy, I'm here”.
The man says, “Well, if you’re all here, why the hell are the lights on downstairs!?”
How do you know that birds are spies?
Because they are always in de skies
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you...
There are two reasons why you should never drink the water from the toilet.
what are you standing there help your pet
Cop: "are you high?" guy: "am I what?" cop: "high"
My friend asked me, “Why are you going fishing today?”
I said, “Just for the halibut.”
If you think thursdays are depressing, just wait 2 days.
What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed?
Are you guys aware of the benefits of dried grapes 🍇
therapist: "i think you might have a phobia of marriage. do you know what the symptoms are?"
me: "can't say i do"
therapist: "that's one of them!"
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands...
There are no canaries there either.
My son asked me why you are allowed to bring pencils on an aircraft when sharp objects are forbidden.
I told him they have to draw the line somewhere.
What do you call people who are addicted to cats?
Catholics.
(Please tell me that wasn't offensive)
I don't know how you all are feelin' this morning....
...but I'd say today is a 10/10.
You think gas prices are expensive, have you seen chimneys?
They're through the roof.
If you punch yourself and it hurts, are you strong or weak?
When you really have to pee, your Russian to the bathroom, when you walk out, you're Finnish, so what are you while you're inside?
European! This was one of my dad's jokes
Did you know corduroy pillows are in style?
go to the animal shelter for a pet and you are a saint
But go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind
Did you know that there are actually fake koi?
These have been a riding problem in recent times actually
So the Japanese have a way to "grade" koi to distinguish the real from the fake
And they use letters, A being the best, and D are obviously the fake koi since they are...
D-kois!
Why are you not allowed to bring hot drinks to court?
Because in the courtroom, just ice is served.
Ghosts are always willing to tell you everything.
Because of their transparency.
What are you if you're scared of bread.
Someone asked me "Are you a comedian?"
I replied "no that's a horrible name"
Did you know boomerangs are Australia’s biggest export?
It’s also their biggest import
What do you call it when two Vietnamese people are successful?
A Nguyen Nguyen situation
No matter what your nationality is, what are you when you’re in the bathroom ?
I told my girlfriend, “There are approximately 8000 people currently living who is like you”, and she got really upset.
I should have just said, “You’re one in a million.”
Are you a devout believer in creamy holiday cocktails?
What do you do with ballon’s that are hurt?
You helium
I’ll show my self out
Did you guys hear? That new Star Wars show AndOr is so popular they are making another series.
It's called Star Wars IfThen.
What do you call word games that are in adult magazines?
You could say flights are getting… eggspensive
Host: What are you?
Me: A harp. Host: Your costume's too small to be a harp. Me: Are you calling me a lyre?!
Did you know that your pupils are the last thing to stop working when you die?
What direction are you climbing in, when you climb a ladder?
Most people are familiar with the theories of Karl Marx, but did you know he had a famous sister?
Here name was Onya, and she invented the starting pistol.
Why are you always late when you have diarrhea?
Because your running behind
If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?
Hey dad! What are you grateful for today?
Cheese...
Why cheese?
grated cheese
my 9 yr old laughed very slow and said very funny
Did you hear that they are working on the sequel to Twister?
It's probably going to suck though.
My teacher said, "Are you chewing gum?"
I said, "Do I look like chewing gum to you?"
I hate it when my wife suddenly says "Are you even listening to me?"
Who the hell starts a conversation like that?
you sea, to this day, they are still going back and forth with water puns.
There are two harps. The first harp asks the second harp "Are you a harp?" The second harp replies "No, I'm not."
The second harp is a lyre
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