I just discovered my wife's Tinder profile, and I am so angry about her lies
She is not "fun to be around"
Cop: "are you high?" guy: "am I what?" cop: "high"
Am elderly woman that was hard of hearing went to Kaiser to get her meds. The pharmacist said "That will $111.00." The women misheard it as $11, paid with cash, and left. The pharmacist said to himself.....
"I guess $5 profit is better than nothing."
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a you problem".
There is no reason to tailgate me while I am doing 75 in a 50
and turn off those flashing blue lights on your car. They look RIDICULOUS
I asked “Siri, why am I so bad with women?” Do you know what she said?
After a coworker lost his leg to bone cancer, I am thinking of starting a business that only sells one shoe out of a pair, to cater to amputees...
I'll call it "Foot Lacker"
After a hard night of drinking, I was awoken this morning at 7:00 AM by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
I was going to confront him on it, but then I thought, screw it. He can mow around me,
I am the worst speller
You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
My girlfriend is leaving me saying I am not American enough.
Saw it coming a kilometer away.
I am a comedian and a mailman, here's my number one rule:
It's all about how it's delivered.
Somebody told me that I am not funny.
I said: Of course, I am not funny. I am dad.
I am a heavy procrastinator
I am starting a business to teach short people math
It's called, making the little things count
I am a master of forgery.
I have all the certificates to prove it.
I am writing a book about reverse psychology.
If i drink alcohol, then i am an alcoholic
if i drink Fanta, then i am Fantastic
I have 4 arms, 6 legs and 2 heads. What am I?
Wife to husband of 20 years "Am I really the only one you've ever been with?
Husband to wife: Absolutely! Before you, they where all nines and tens
I am disgusted with jokes made at the expense of amputees.
They are just prosthetic attempts at humor.
"Doctor, I am so fat that I can't see my big toe." "Why don't you diet?"
Did you know that if you scream three times “Bloody Mary” in front of the mirror in a dark room at 3 am…
…your wife will get up, switch on the light and ask you why the fuck are you screaming at that time in the night ?
I am opening a new deli just Northeast of Allentown, PA
I am calling it Cheeses of Nazareth.
My friend at his wedding told me that I am the worst best man he has ever seen.
Man to Psychiatrist: I am depressed. All my four sons want to be valets when they grow up
Psychiatrist: That is the strangest case of parking sons disease I have come across so far.
I am best man at my brothers second wedding.
Is it ok to start the dinner speech with, "Welcome back everyone!!"
We were driving up the road and saw a can-am
My dad asked what do you call them again? I told him a can-am. He said they should have gone with Trans-Am, because it was a bike transitioning to a car. We thought it was funny, figured I'd share.
I own a sandwich shop and am desperate for workers.
I have a lot of rolls that need filling.
I am not saying I'm attractive
But when I take my clothes off in the bathroom
I turn the shower on
I was scared I might be losing my mind. So I asked myself “Am I going crazy?!”.
Thankfully, we all agreed that no, I’m not.
I am a doctor what is going on
I am going to make a website where you can report poorly maintained footpaths
Going to call it Trip Advisor
I am parking a chicken food truck next to Chic fil a on Sundays
Going to call it "Side Chic"
My wife left me because I am addicted to options trading.
She left me but I still have other options
I am giving away a legless parrot for free...
Asian Kid: Dad I am Asexual.
Dad: So disappointed, why not A+ Sexual
I am taking a girl to see that new film about Marie and Pierre Curie
I hear there is lots of on screen chemistry
I am writing a thesis on how plants create oxygen.
There is only text and no photos-ynthesis.
My wife said she was leaving me because of my love for tennis and because I am too old....
I said ‘I’m only 40 Love!
She was an Ace!
I am sick and tired of people complaining about $8 beers, $10 parking, $20 service.....
If you don't like the charges, stop coming to my fucking house .
I am planning a dairy startup
I am bad at maths but I have a trusty abacus
After 60 years of marriage, Dad died. Mom gave the obituary she had written to the newspaper. "I am sorry for your loss mam, we charge $1 per word, that will be $1,157." "What, you charge for this? Just say "Dad died." "You were married for 60 years, I will give you 5 words for $2. "OK, say...
...Dad died, boat for sale."
I am so unlucky in love...
I asked out a blind lady for a date yesterday and she said she was seeing someone.
I am being haunted by the spirit of a chicken.
I have a poultrygeist.
Does anybody know a good eggcorcist?
According to my interpretation of my Chinese ancestry test results I am most likely from the Chen family.
I am a master at forgery.
I have the certificates to prove it.
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