Alternity Puns

So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

I soya do it.

They're calling it the Uncut Edition.

Everything was comedy gold.

Thanos: I am inevitable. Iron man: Hi inevitable I’m dad.

European.

In an alternate universe, God sends popeye down to speak to moses. When Moses asks Popeye who he is, he responds
"I yam who yam"

Me: I am planning to start a cider business She: any alternative plans if it doesn't work out? Me: I haven't decidered yet!

He said: "I heaven't"

“Oh I think I’ll call it a day” God replies.

I had stage freight.

It has it’s frozen cons.

Nine Inch Snails!

I think it might be the alternator.

There's a pun crying to be made here, but I can't put my finger on it.

I’m on a Greg-or-Ian calendar.

It sure is hard to keep lit though.

But I can't think of one ATM.

"I Heaven't"

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

'Loco' Motive

Force-kin

then a table, then a chair

We are on a Greg or Ian calendar.

AC/DC

I told her yes... and it's riveting.

Medicine

In that version, Harry is a simpleton stable boy who assists Hagrid in repairing hollow straw vessels that Hagrid makes as a hobby, but which are bound to break pretty quick. So he's basically a hay re-potter.

Regular medicine.

We were listening to Pearl Jam's "Alive" in the car this evening. She pipes up out of nowhere:

"Q: What does Eddie Vedder wear to bed?"

"A: Pearl Jammies"

She's 12. I'm proud.

Because somebody left the windows open all night

Frostbite

Peter Parkour.

Because the stakes are too high

Sir loin

Me : Hmmmmm, I'd clean the knife.

Yeah, he's a walking Contra-diction.

Alternative for the logic nerds:

Bob is always honest, and he says he doesn't like shoot 'em ups. His identical twin Joe says he loves shoot 'em ups. How do we know Joe is honest? Because if something is true, then so is its Contra-positive.

He came fifth and won a toaster.

Nice to meat — ew!

You have AU AU Au.

My dad saw the envelope and said "Alternate Universes? That postage must have been really expensive!"

Because I want to hear a news anchor say "Today republicans tried to pass G.A.S., but Obama blocked the move with a veto."

"no whey."

http://gfycat.com/QuarterlyWhiteBedbug

What a microwave

I wanted to add definition to my muscles

Pop punk.

Me: You got the goods?

Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.

Me: My, what a steel!

Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?

Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.

Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?

Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--

Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?

Student: I got I got I got I got...

Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.

Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.

Me: Which other places?

Friend: The Galactic Empire.

Guy: I hate spam.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

...

Someone: Son of a gun...

Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!

Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:

Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.

Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.

Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.

Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.

Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.

Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".

At the PAWn shop

Alternatively: The FLEA market

I kneed to try this

Tony

EDIT: Alternate Ending

Cuatro cinco.

I told her poop jokes aren't my favorite, but they are definitely a solid number two

My friend is convinced that he’s direct current, but I think that his power uses alternating current instead

In their neigh-bourhood

Or alternatively a happy birthday manatee pun? Anyone?

Edit: pic here http://imgur.com/BPGZ47F

I suggested she needs to alternate, control and delete.

Courts.

"Your death is written in stone"

his reply: what are they calling it, go amateur?

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

I think they're whey better than the alternatives

Got fired because I took a few of days off

Alternatively, don’t let your hotdog stand.

The alternative is meteor

the romaine empire

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Call it a day

God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”