Almond Nut Puns

Under a buck

She can only eat mostmonds.

...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. “What IS that?” “That’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, “That’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.

I’m a cashew

I was about to try a diet of almonds, pecans, cashews, and pistachios. Once I told my doctor, he told me to try a diet that wasn't completely nuts.

I always thought it was weird. It started normal, apples, bananas, but then they started putting other things like pizzas and cakes there. I thought they were crazy, but it seemed no one else did.

But today, they put almonds in the window.

Now everyone can see their nuts.

Dad: Don’t cry over spilt almond milk son Son: Why? (Sobbing) Dad: Because that’s just nuts!

So me and my dad were eating waffles and he pointed at a box of his almond crackers and said "with these crackers and the almond milk in my coffee I am turning into a nut". After humoring him with a small laugh, I said time to put this on r/dadjokes.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

Was trying to figure out if I had time to go grab lunch before a deployment at work:

Me: do I have time to grab lunch before this deployment?

Coworker: Yeah definitely, go eat.

Me: Okay, cool, I was just trying to see if I could eat something more than a bag of almonds today.

Coworker: Aw but almonds are so good! They're full of protein and good stuff.

Me: Yeah, but almonds for lunch? That's nuts.

groans throughout the office

Me: "Wow, now there's cashew milk and there's almond milk." Dad: "That's nuts."

The snacking nut millions around the world is actually pronounced 'amond' and not 'almond'. I found this out recently when visiting family friends who own an amond orchard in CA.

I asked the owner why they are supposed to be called amonds and not almonds and he said it has to do with the harvesting process. See what they do is spread a large tarp out beneath the almond tree. Then they bring in a machine that attaches to the trunk. This machine is very specialized and is designed to create prolonged and intense vibrations, similar to the tool that is used to level/even out concrete. Once the machine is attached to the almond tree it is turned out. The intense vibrations in the trunk lead to the amonds falling out of the tree and onto the tarp. You see, the machine "shook the L out of em!"