In today’s inclusive culture; people are finding love from many sources. One lady was dating her closet; but, unfortunately the love affair ended.

The lady didn’t like her lover’s many hang ups.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlickHeadSinger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What does jeff bezos do before bed?

He puts his pyjamazon

πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spoopychillz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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I've been having an affair with my wife's siamese twin.

We're doing it behind her front.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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A nominee for director of the math department at my school was caught having an affair with her student...

They had to denominator.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrindoc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife got mad at me for have sexual affairs with inanimate objects

I told her it was one night stand...

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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TIL Elton John wrote an unreleased song about his short-lived affair with the lead actor in "Who's The Boss?"

He called it, "Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SusheeMonster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
i once attended a black-tie affair in flip-flops

it was quite the sandal.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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Why couldn't Abraham Lincoln be arrested?

He's in a cent

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoondogGLOVER1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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Cheating is not affair game

I said to my cheating wife "Let's settle this in affair explanation!" She said "OK. I cheated on you because your heart were as cold as the North Poll!" I looked at her then said "I'm diss a pointed..."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titanium_Steel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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Last November 5, i was caught off guard when I was approached by a stranger angrily telling me to butt out of his romantic affairs.

As if i care who that Guy FΓ—Γ—Γ—Γ—s.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I Used to Have an affair with some mucous

Could say she was an old phlegm

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJAX214_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
People have been able to change their big weddings to smaller affairs during the pandemic. But melons don't have that luxury.

They cantaloupe.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlwaysTheNoob
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A dad's final joke.

That Dad joke was killer!

He also said on his deathbed:

"Don't let my funeral be a grave affair..."

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDarkThetan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.

I said alphabetically or by age

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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What do fish study in school?

Algaebra.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyflyingcactus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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I think my friend is having an affair with my wife

He seems miserable lately

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twisted_Taterz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
free of charge
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattloKei
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m having an affair with a tape measure.

It’s amazing the lengths it will go to please me.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Three of my high school's percussionists were all involved in a torrid affair regarding the geometric shaped piece of metal...

It was an odd love triangle...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss is making me dig through a stack of hay bare-handed to look for anything that shouldn’t be there. I suspect he dropped his wedding ring while having an affair with the new girl he hired in the pile and now he is desperate to hide the evidence from his wife who might be on to him.

But I’m just grasping at straws here.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Propagansus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
After years of doubt I'm now convinced my wife is having an affair...

We've moved 250 miles north and we've still got the same window cleaner!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife accused me of having an affair with someone from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

I said 'How could you say such a thing?'.

πŸ‘︎ 210
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bhavv
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2017
🚨︎ report
A family affair

My youngest was watching Netflix, deciding on a few episodes of Captain Underpants. In one particular episode, the titled character is forced to share a room with a clown. My wife, watching this show, laughs about him having Coulrophobia (Fear of clowns), and repeatedly panicking in subsequent scenes. Finally near the episode, she asks ,"What did that clown ever do to him?"

My response: "Nothing. He's It's Cousin. Pound Foolish"

Wife stares at me. Blinks twice. Goes back to watching the TV that has more comedy than her idiot husband

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coulrophiliac444
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does β€œsecretary” start with secret?

Because of all their business affairs

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Apparently Florida has the highest rate of infidelity in the country...

It's an unfortunate state of affairs.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GIGA255
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Bayern Munich couldn’t eat after the Barcelona match

They 8-2 much

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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My personal trainer was having an affair with my partner, James

Now I'm going to have to switch Jims

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whitebeaks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the sugar and cream love affair?

It's the icing on the cake.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
🚨︎ report
"I saw you having an affair. Can you explain that, please?!" asked my wife.

"Yes," I said. "It's when someone is disloyal to their partner."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad has just described Syria as "Assad" state of affairs.
πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlexGalway
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2013
🚨︎ report
I was showing off my hibiscus plants to my neighbor, he says the roots are exposed, and I should get more dirt on them.

So I found out they were both having affairs, and stealing from their company's fundraisers!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xknav3x
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A man electrocuted his wife after discovering she had been cheating on him

I read about it in Current Affairs

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannypWooley
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Alice Roosevelt, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt, had a long-time extramarital affair with Senator William Borah. They had an illegitimate daughter together, Paulina Longworth, who Alice referred to as "Aurora Borah Alice" [from /r/todayilearned] en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ali…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emilvikstrom
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
🚨︎ report
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..

It's a current affair.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reachingnexus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you have an affair?

I was describing a movie to my dad earlier today, and mentioned that the main character had an affair. He replied saying β€œno, he definitely didn’t have an affair, he's completely bald!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Illikis
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2016
🚨︎ report
Luckily he wasn't charged
πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pun420
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Have you ever had a conversation with an electrician?

They know all about the current affairs.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Who is the king of the pencil case?

The ruler.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Watch out! r/puns is in danger

r/punpatrol

r/punKGB

r/Pun_Internal_Affairs

r/punspecialforces

These are the names of our oppressors! There may be more, but they are our greatest threat. They are currently amassing an army to try to end puns as we know it.

If we are to save this beautiful form of our language, than we must unite! We must not divide ourselves by titles, but unite ourselves as punners!

They plan on eradicating all puns by going to the source, the pun user. Are we to let ourselves be undermined by those who think they are better than us? Are we to let ourselves and all future generations be banned from puns? If you say no, then join in the revolt

##VIVA LA R/PUNS

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyThunderStorm22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Can you give me a wakeup call?

Sure. Your wife's having an affair with your gardener.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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