There just plug and play
They're calling it the Quranavirus
They're always working at home.
Inside jokes.
(Adapted from WFAN host Steve Somers while talking to Jerry Seinfeld today on the air)
You could say it's my maison d'être.
My dad just sent me this (couldn't help but groan, even as a dad myself):
I had a fella in painting and decorating the house for the last three days, I got chatting to him and it turns out he is actually a Ryanair pilot on PUP (Pandemic Unemployment Payment - social welfare in Ireland for those affected by Covid), he is decorating now to try and pay his mortgage, sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landing😬👍
"It 2, Brute?" I had asked.
Maybe they like very-asian.
Her: What is this little USB thing? Is this a juul charger?
Me: No, I think it’s an adapter for the Steam controller.
Her: Well, a juul is kind of like a steam controller.
And then I saw her face...
(Adapted from a youtube comment)
It’s pretty high koala tea
Chameleon: The humans hate me
Therapist: What makes you say that?
Chameleon: My parents and siblings roam around their houses and kids' bikes, and it's all fine by the humans, but when I visit their neighborhood, they throw objects at me
Therapist: You need to learn to adapt to change
Provalone
(not really original...just adapted to current times)
To celebrate the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin, the scientific community joined together for a party. As is common at such gatherings, the Biologists began to argue about what species was the most suited to its environment. Finally after much heated debate, a group of scientists pledged to spend the rest of the year exhaustively researching the Biological record to once and for all determine which creature was the ultimate example of adaptivity and proficiency ever to live.
Yesterday, the results were announced at the National Academy of Sciences. The creature identified as the most adaptive and proficient in Earth's history was a previously unknown animal from the Mesozoic era, a water dwelling insect that thrived for a hundred million years.
It was ... a FishAnt
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze.
It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
Me: Hey, they’re stopping all the buses outside! Coworker: What! Why? Me: To let the people get off and on.
He was lecturing on the cranial nerves, which do pretty much everything for the head. They control all 5 senses and motor output as well as some other non relevant stuff.
Professor: So class does everyone remember what the senses are?
Class: touch/pain, sight, hearing/equilibrium, smell, taste.
Professor: Does anyone know what the sixth sense is?
Class: (thinking hes serious) Guess random shit like magnetoreception.
Professor: The sixth sense is the ability to see dead people.
Class: combination of groans and laughter
He had a van adapted to his own specification, which subsequently was often seen overnight in the car parks of the world's best opera houses. After his death, the Japanese manufacturers used it as the flagship model of a new range. We've all heard of the 'Nissan Dormer'.
There is safety in numbers.
Adapted from the dadliest Dinosaur Comics.
His son just started Kindergarten. I'd say he's adapted to the Dad role quite well.
While putting footie pajamas on my baby niece we realized she was too tall for them. My dad says, "Cut off her feet and they'll fit. She's young, she'll adapt."
...but on the other hand, there's not much damage.
(adapted from wtf)
