Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
When I was a kid I thought we’d all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
If I could be a superhero I'd be Aluminum man...
That way I could foil crime.
My friend said, “You have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”
It was a third degree burn.
What’d that cab driver say to the guy getting in his car with a cheap hooker?
I'd like to share a small victory with you all today
My friend became monk recently. I asked him if he'd take a vow of silence, but he didn't answer
I guess it goes without saying
I was tasked to come up with a great pun for a new launch of Microsoft Office, I thought I’d come up with a great one.
But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.
What’d the confused alligator say when acting like a rooster?
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”
I've decided to start storing everything in the Cloud, and it's a lot easier than you'd think
Although I'm still not sure how exactly I'm supposed to get anything back down... I guess I'll just have to wait until the balloons pop to use my TV again.
I once debated a flat earthed. He got me so mad I stormed off, saying I'd come back around eventually.
You could say I went over the edge.
If i could, I’d make sure everyone had a dolphin.
Because everybody needs a porpoise to their life
I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z
I'd smoke a cigarette every time after sex...
Thanks to my wife I've stopped smoking.
For all the time they spend in a school, you'd think that fish are really smart.
But it turns out, they're all below C level.
I was watching an EzPz vid on r/Im14andthisisdeep, and thought I'd make a meme.
A lad asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled L.S.D.?"
Granny replied, "Never mind the pills. Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.
I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.
On reflection, there's a lot of stuff I'd like to have done differently this past year.
But hey, hindsight is 2020
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
I'd like to plug my wife's attempt to cross the Atlantic in a bath tub.
But it's too late....she sank.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
If Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII was involved with politics, he’d be a republican.
Mom said she'd throw her son from a cliff if he didn't eat his vegetables ...
A fella from Alaska moved to San Diego and asked how he'd summerize his car
I told him four wheels, a seat and an engine
Our cooking teacher gave us a notice about the part of our upcoming exam where we'd be working with cheese wheels...
"It'll be grated on a curve."
So, if anyone can suggest a city, I'd be grateful.
A little Christmas song. A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L...
I have to make dad jokes or I could lose my dad license. It's a thing called D-Law. If you're caught being a dad without a license? Well...
My friends said they’d un-friend if I wasn’t a Trump supporter
The vet said our chick has survived through the accident, but his brain was damaged so he’d have to live the rest of his life a vegetable.
Guess we’ll call him Eggplant now
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...
I had become trans-parent
If a programmer could rearrange the alphabet, they'd put U and I together.
User Interface is important to them.
A widow is mourning at her husband's grave site. A gentleman walks by and says "If you don't mind, I'd like to say a word."
"That would be nice" she said. "Plethora"..... "Thanks, that means a lot."
I swear stairs are gonna be my d o w n fall, the way they keep s t a i r i n g at me...
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo
I told my wife I'd opened a theatre.
She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything.'
My friend told me, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.”
It was a third degree burn.
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