You have my Word
for all in tents and porpoises.
My cousin (MtF) has just come out to the family- she told some of us "younger" ones but she was afraid especially of what her dad's reaction would be. He's a man of few words and was never outgoing or very affectionate to his kids, his side of the family is pretty conservative as well. A very as-seen-on-TV-in-the-90s dad with a handlebar moustache and multiple different-but-same polo t-shirts. Her mum passed a few years ago and they are even more distant than ever. It was finally the big day and she told him in front of a couple of us. The silence seemed to stretch on into the infinite. After some time, he got up, and without even a slight change in expression he said- "so I guess you can't see me now".
...
More silence
...
"Because I'm a transparent geddit?" With the most gigantic smile I've EVER seen him crack.
It's been 5 days and he's been cracking the same joke on every opportunity he can, ever since.
Edit- I forgot my favorite part- he asked her if she would like to add her mum's name in her new one because he missed saying it. I BAWLED my eyes out.
Edit2: obligatory I can't believe how much this blew up! We met at a family gathering yesterday and he was still chuckling so i decided to post this. I sent my cousin this post and she says he's very proud of himself. Thanks for all the awards! This is crazy!
I see that there was some confusion about the moustache description - we're a first generation Indian - Hindu family, and it's traditional especially for the older generation I think.
It's a cute moment, but not everyone is as positive. Some neighbors, people at school, a teacher or so (it's just a phase! you'll ruin your life!), and she's been handling calls all day from AH family members who only call for gossip.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡Now, I'm no sophisticate, so it shouldn't surprise you to learn that I can't speak a lick of French. Knowing this would pose some problems at a French restaurant, I made my illiteracy abundantly clear to our server before hand. So I requested him to be a little more patient with our table on account of my being an uncultured oaf.
Straight away, I had difficulties locating the apps on the menu, which, let me add, was entirely in French. Hoping that our server might give me a hand, I asked him if he could point out where I could find the appetisers on the menu. Instead of answering my sincere question, the waiter tapped the menu rather briskly and said, "Order". Slightly taken aback, I replied, "Pardon?". "ORDER", came the brusque reply. Now, I'm not particularly clever in tense situations, so I repeated the question again, hoping for a slightly more helpful answer. For some reason, our waiter took particular offense at this, and went, "ORDERV, ORDERV, READ THE DAMN MENU. WE HAVE OTHER CUSTOMERS TOO, YOU KNOW!". Now, I'm not a particularly prideful person, but even I have some dignity, so we thanked the waiter and excused ourselves.
TLDR; Our rude waiter kept ordering me, an idiot, to order off the menu, instead of telling us where the goddamn appetisers were.
The penguin asks, "Can you tell us how you got your start?"
"Well," explains the hawk, "I used to work for an aerial photography outfit, Hawk Air."
"And that's how you got into piloting?"
"No, then I got a degree in philosophy."
"Philosophy!" exclaims the penguin. "How do you get from philosophy to piloting?"
"It's quite simple, really," nods the hawk sagely. "My professor told me what to do with my life. Post Hawk Air, go Copter Hawk."
What are your best dad jokes? Whoever tells me the funniest one will have the honor of knowing their dad joke was my first as a dad.
Edit: there are two winners.
The first is one I told to my wife. It is about him being born with 4 kidneys but two of them will become adult knees. Thank you u/cabbithunt
The second I told me son. "There are two fish in a tank. One fish looks at the other and says 'I'll drive you man the guns.'" Thank you u/kiabe1
Edit 2: After two weeks in the NICU, we have convinced the doctors to let us upgraded to the wireless home version. Thank you all for your well wishes and jokes.
A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for cyanide. He asks, what for? She says, I want to kill my husband! The pharmacist said, Are you nuts! They'd throw us both in jail and I'd loose my license! The woman produces a photo of her husband and the pharmacist's wife screwing. The pharmacist said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"
My wife and I were stepping out to the neighbors for a get together and she is staying home tonight, so I reviewed the ground rules - don’t answer the door, let the dog out the back door, call us if you need, etc.
She looked at me and said “You know the rules, and so do I”
Rickrolled as a dad joke.
Later, called to remind her to let the dog, who is a white goldendoodle, out. Speech to text screwed up and put “make sure Ginger isn’t at the door” into “make sure Ginger isn’t at the bar”
The reply?
“Too late, she’s white dog wasted”
We have a natural here…
I am anti-vax and I don’t care what you think. I am absolutely sick and tired of seeing people that are anti-vax getting ridiculed and bullied on Reddit because of their choice.
You need to understand we have good reason to feel this way and that by simply attacking us or belittling us will not change our minds. We will not be silenced.
I for one will never have another one again. Not a chance in hell, I don’t care what you say to try and convince me, I’ve fallen for that trap too many times before.
They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner ever.
It’s Hoover or Dyson all the way for me!
Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.
“Well, it’s a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York Strip dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.”
The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying
“Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.”
——— Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.
Hey everyone, not a dad yet, but Im getting ready for when the moment comes.
Earlier today we had a team meeting and one of my colleagues was telling us about her experience going to Pompeii the previous week, so I saw an opportunity and took it.
Me: While you were up there, did you close your eyes?
Her (visible confusion): N..no, why?
Me: Because, apparently, when you close your eyes it almost feels nothing changed at all.
Whole room: silent
10 seconds later: groans and laughter.
Felt amazing.
I once knew a man from Greece. Every day he had breakfast in my father's café. And every day he signed the bill: "σε μένα". Whenever we asked what it meant he just shook his head, laughed, and walked out.
After a few years we became good friends, and he invited me to his birthday meal at a fancy restaurant downtown. He wrote down the address and signed it again, "σε μένα", once again laughing on his way out. When I got there I met his family, including his daughter Helen. When it came time to pay the bill he signed it, as usual, "σε μένα"; as he did Helen looked down at his hands, and she let out a groan. I asked her what the problem was but she just shook her head and walked out. The next day the man told me his daughter had taken quite the fancy to me, and he wrote down her phone number. Once again he signed it, "σε μένα", laughing as he handed it to me.
Helen and I began dating and eventually married. And since he paid for the wedding her father saw to it that his motto was everywhere. It was written on the invitations, balloons, napkins, bunting, you name it. Even the cake had the words inscribed on its side, "σε μένα". I had never seen him so happy as he was on that day.
As a wedding present he left us the family home, and handed us the keys to it with a smile on his face as usual. Sure enough those two words were all over, "σε μένα": fridge magnets, post-it notes, plates, bowls, knives, forks, the front gate, the doormat, the postbox, the bird-bath, even the license plate on his old car. When Helen and I had our first son, he gifted us baby clothes with "σε μένα" written on them, still shaking his head and laughing.
On his deathbed, my father-in-law took my hand and thanked me for all I had done for him and his family. Framed on the wall next to him I saw it written again, "σε μένα".
And one last time I asked him what it meant.
And one last time, the man smiled, shrugged, and with his final breath he laughed and said,
"It's Greek to me."
Had two campers drive up by me.
Them - "Hi this is our first time at this campground. Can you tell us where lot 59 is?"
Me - "You bet! It is right between 58 and 60."
Awkward pause... Laughter ensues.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
My coworkers are doing a little trick or treat between all of us, and I want to get everyone Halloween themed rubber duckies and write puns on them, so far I’ve come up with- “you’re ducking awesome”, “you quack me up”, “waddle I do without you” aaaaand that’s about it so far, but I want atleast a few more, pls help
He’s telling us about his family and that his dad is essentially dying of kidney failure. I was taking the trash out and looked him in the face, summoned my best deadpan expression and said, “Are you kidneying me?”
Turns out his dad was abusive and pretty awful so he laughed it off while my wife attempted eye murder on me across the room.
When I was a kid, my dad tricked me and my sisters. He likes to watch Nascar and so this is how the joke went down.
Dad: Do you girls want to watch cartoons?
Us: YEAH!
Dad then turns on Nascar and the cars at at the starting line up.
Dad: There are the cars.
The cars start their engines.
Dad: There are the tunes!
Us::...... :(
Love my Dad! LOL.
So me, my mom, my dad, and my sister Annie we're in church and they had just put new book covers on all the bibles. Just those like plasticky slick cellophane ones, nothing fancy. But at one point we were standing there singing one of the hymns and the guy behind us just getting into it, he's a great singer and all but he swung his hand and I guess his palms were sweating because one of those thick old books with the lyrics flew out of his hand and railed my sister in the side of the head. And I leaned over and said "are you okay Annie? You've been struck by a smooth hymnal"
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk.” The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks." In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is
... keep reading on reddit ➡But at the door there was a sign saying no chocolate allowed. M&M hesitates.
"Hey guys, I might skip this one. I'm a chocolate. I'll catch you guys later" Skittle and Jelly Bean protest. "Nah man, you'll be fine, you're candy on the outside. Come in with us, it'll be fun!" Says his cousin Skittle. "Yeah, if anyone has a problem with you, we'll look after you" says Jelly Bean.
M&M decides he will go in, encouraged by his friends. They all have a good time, and no one mentions anything about M&M being chocolate on the inside.
The night is going well then suddenly the front door bangs open and in walks Vick and his gang of vapour drops. The party goes quiet as Vick surveys the room. His eyes stop on M&M.
"What the fuck are you doing M&M? Can't fucking read the sign? No chocolate allowed."
"But I'm candy on the outside, it's OK, right guys?" Protests M&M weakly. Jelly Bean and Skittle back off into the shadows, leaving M&M by himself.
" I think we need to teach this smart ass chocolate a fucking lesson, let's take this outside." Says Vick.
The vapor drops grab M&M and drag him outside and start beating him up, cracking his shell through to his chocolate. The gang walk away leaving M&M barely conscious on the lawn.
The next day in hospital, Jelly Bean and Skittle come to visit their friend, feeling bad for him. "Why didn't you guys stick up for me?" Asks M&M. "Man, you know Vick, there was nothing we could do, he's fucking menthol."
I need your help folks!!
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (June 19th) from the Airport and will fly to Destin Fl, where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then we’ll do a flight along the coast to see the sharks and dolphins,then returning to Joe's Crab shack, for dinner, then fly back home.
If interested please pm me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go. Serious inquires only!! Thank you!!!
Dads (and teachers) know already that puns are a great way to increase kids' vocabulary. But it's increasingly obvious to me that forums like this can also be a tool for teaching sensitivity, and getting out of your "bubble" to gain a more informed perspective on differing opinions and cultures.
With that in mind, let's all of us, dads or not, keep in mind the global audience this forum has. I've come to terms with NSFW posts and comments - IMO it's up to parents to regulate what their kid reads. It's more about tone, and cultural or gender slurs. That's the dark side of humor that brings people down, whereas a solid pun or a smilie can add much-needed levity to someone's life :-).
That's all. /dad
^^Edit: ^^fix ^^incomplete ^^sentence
Because it's see-food!
my 11 year old daughter ran in here while cooking greens and dropped that knowledge on us. I couldn't be more proud lol.
edit: just wanted to let those of you who have is awards that I appreciate it! I told my daughter about them and she asked if she can keep telling jokes for me to put on here lol. should get fairly interesting.
thanks all. I hope you had a great turkey gobble day
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡A man wakes up feeling confused, disorientated and groggy. As his eyes begin to focus he realises that he is in a hospital bed and there is a man leaning over him looking concerned. “Oh good, you’re awake, it was touch and go for a while there. Pleased to see you back with us. Do you mind if I ask you some questions, just some routine stuff? Can you tell me how many fingers I’m holding up?” The guy nods and focuses on the doctor, takes a deep breath. “Err, th- er, thirteen??!?” “Correct, you’ve been in a terrible accident, three of these are yours.”
When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.
When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.
I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!
Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!
Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!
That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. “This technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. “Can you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”
“Yeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,“but it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained “When these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” “Treating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.
Knock knock
“It’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.
“There are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” “That future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.
She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. “Don’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.
Knock knock
“Now let that sink in!”
At the traffic lights today a car pulled up beside me and knocked my wing mirror. The driver of the car was a Panda. I wound down my window and shouted "Oy, you clipped us" and he said "No thanks mate, have you got any bamboo?"
Pfizer vaccination on Friday night at a local CVS. The place was packed and there was an older couple there thanking everyone for getting vaccinated. When my wife and daughter got home they were telling me about how packed it was. My daughter mentioned the older couple and said that when they thanked her, they asked which shot she received. “Pfizer”, she said. The couple said, “Well we’re Moderna folks!” My daughter asked me why that mattered…. Well, I said… In 2 years, all of us Modera folks will have grown two heads and all of you Pfizer people will probably have four arms. My daughter then looks innocently at both my wife and I and said, “what about the people that got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine?” My wife and I completely lost it… we laughed so hard our stomachs hurt. My daughter started laughing too, but had no idea.
In the ship I saw the Master at Arms’ office and weapon storage was right near the ship’s bakery. It struck me as odd, until I realized that the Navy followed the same principles as the Army having the US gold in Fort Knox, surrounded by an armored force.
You have to be able to guard the dough.
Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.
so here goes...
(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)
daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?
me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?
daughter: elizabeth-gramma.
me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?
(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)
daughter: don't know, who?
me: my mum.
(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)
I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.
As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.
The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"
I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.
I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
I was playing with our toddler when for whatever reason Humpty Dumpty popped in my head. I started trying to think of a funny rhyme about Dumpty cracking open and being unable to pay for US medical care and thus now lives a pain-addled, poor life. Yeah, idk.
Anyway, I couldn’t think of the original second half of the rhyme and so I asked my wife. She told me the rhyme and I said thanks. After a short silence goes by she goes,
“What are you doing, trying to think of another lame dad yolk?”
I didn’t know my son had two dads but I know now
Edit: typos
Later on she found out and said to us : "You disgust me".
And I said : "Yes, yes we did".
Once upon a time there was a pirate captain who was the most amazing best captain a crew could ever ask for. His crew loved him more than anything and would do absolutely anything for him.
One day as they were sailing, a crew member In the crows nest shouts, “one ship off the port side!” Immediately the captain yells at his crew, “Men! Bring me my red shirt!”
Slightly confused, the men hesitate for a second and then hurry off to bring the captain his red shirt. Amazingly they win the battle!
The men are so happy and thankful their captain brought them safely through the battle they don’t even care why the captain wanted his red shirt.
A few months of sailing some more, again the man in the crows nest yells, “Two ships off the port side!” Quickly the captain screams, “Men! Bring me my red shirt!” The crew doesn’t hesitate this time to get him his red shirt and what do you know? They win this battle too!!
The crew is astounded at their captains awesomeness!!! They honestly could not find anyone better. This time though the crew stops a moment and asks the captain, “Why do you always have us bring you your red shirt?”
The captain replies, “Well men, if I get stabbed the blood will blend into my red shirt and it will look like I’m not hurt so that you will all fight as hard as if I were still alive.”
The men can’t believe what they hear! How could they be so lucky as to have a captain so incredibly smart and courageous??!!
Two seconds later, “TWENTY SEVEN SHIPS OFF THE PORT SIDE!!!!!!!”
Calmly, with an even tone, the captain says, “Men, bring me my brown pants.”
My old man is quite a character. He once took my sister and I freshwater fishing and taught us how to bait a hook with nightcrawlers. We were perhaps 7 or 8, and somewhat sheltered, so of course what happened next went right over our heads.
Dad: hey, kids! Which of you is better at baiting a hook? Which of you is the •removes sunglasses• master baiter?
My sister and I, of course, immediately begin arguing about it. That wily old man had us going back and forth "I'm the master baiter!", "No, I am!", "No, me!". Dad, meanwhile, was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes.
Tl;dr- my Dad is a fucking smart ass
Bear with me, it's a little story. So, I'm getting ready to take her to school this morning and I was about to hop in the shower when I felt the call of nature, didn't have enough time to poo and get to school on time so I say, "I'm just going to get dressed and I'm not going to shower" she asks me why and I said, "I have to poop and it's a whole process." She immediately replies... "A process of elimination". I start cackling immediately. I'm laughing and, as kids like to do, she keeps saying it thinking she's cool. I can't stop laughing but as she's repeating it, I wonder if she knows. So I ask her, do you know why that's funny? She says no, and my wife and I start cackling even more and I explain through the tears that pooping can be called elimination.
I'm sure it's not a new thing but it's new to us and we are going to have a new phrase for doing a deuce!
I'm a big guy in the southern US and my big black winter jacket makes me look HUGE. I normally only wear it when I visit family up north. It got cold enough today to wear it and I thought I'd be funny. On our way out the door I belt out "SO LONG AS I WEAR THIS JACKET, YOU WILL REFER TO ME AS KINGPIN AND NOTHING ELSE"
Immediately: "OK nothing else! Nice to meet you nothing else!" [5 hours later] I'm done with my chores nothing else!".
They're so proud of themselves. Har har.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡There was a man cleaning a tank but all you could see was his hand. My dad leans to me and says "look! It's a rare hand fish."
The dad next to us with his two kids said "look everyone? Do you see the hand fish? That ones my favorite."
As we walked a way another family walked up and I heard their dad say "here we have the hand fish."
Edit: I told my dad about the response this is getting, to which he replied "Wow. Is it going viral? Should I call my doctor?" (Keep in mind he doesn't know how the internet works.)
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡I have a five year old boy and a three year old boy.
They always tell me, "I'm hungry."
I respond with, "I'm Daddy nice to meet you hungry."
The five year old laughs and responds with, "Could you please make me something to eat." He gets it. But the three year old will continue to tell me, "I'm hungry."
Of course I will continue to respond that I'm Daddy. The other night the five year old coached my youngest. "Baby Noah. Say please. Daddy won't get us sumthin to eat."
Noah pauses and says, "Please Daddy. I'm hungry" Before I can respond the five year old, slaps his forehead and sighs, "No baby Noah you're not hungry." Noah looks confused and says, "I'm not?"
I couldn't stop laughing.
First day of the new semester. I'm at my first class, Experimental Statistics. The professor is going over the syllabus and everything then stops for us to do an "exercise."
He tells us to turn to the person next to us and ask them to marry us.
(If you must know, the guy on side me said no. Apparently it was something I said.)
We start to quiet down and wait for the explanation of why 1000 students just asked each other to marriage.
The professor said that it was important for his students to be engaged during class.
When I was about 5 years old, my dad told the greatest dad joke. He’d be driving the family through our neighborhood and would say “Look! A man wearing a dress!” My siblings and I would look around and laugh with my dad. We loved when he would say this (it was like an absurd scavenger hunt) but my mother absolutely hated it. “Where? What are you talking about Tom?!” She actually got angry since she couldn’t see the man wearing a dress either. Since he would do this on a semi-regular basis to make us laugh, it became a problem with my mom and she ended up getting so angry as to forbid him saying it ever again.
I never really understood what was going on since I was so young, but I really missed the man wearing a dress joke. At one point, I thought the joke referenced a nearby business with a kilted man for a mascot. A few years ago, I asked my dad what the joke was.
“Oh! It wasn’t the sign,” he told me. “We had a family in the neighborhood with the last name ‘Manwaring’. When we would drive by their house, I’d point at their mailbox and say ‘Look, a Manwaring address!’”
I was too young to read at the time so it took 20 years to be in on his brilliant pun.
