A bone and arrow (Kid loves to play minecraft sooo... yeah)
Son: Dad...we need a net.
Me: Why?
Son: To catch our flight.
An 8 foot wall.
It wears flip FLOPS!
When your wife starts a conversation with “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you just smile and agree. Don’t correct her, it’s a trap.
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
It's the traditional changing of the gourd.
Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
I didn't want to hear another Peep out of him.
Punchline
I say nothing
So far I'm sticking to it.
Little Booger: Why are trees green?
Me: Uh, I dunno. Why?
LB: For camouflage!
There's also leap-frogs.
Put a little boogie in it. Never been more proud
Dad, do you know what an olive is? A sick grape.
Sea son's greetings.
Mine was about 20 years ago, I was 17 at the time and going to my gf’s sisters house for dinner with her family. We brought some things to help with dinner. As we’re walking up to the house carrying the cookware, her dad looks back and says, “hey, now that you’re walking the wok, can you talk the talk?”. Not sure why but I’ll never forget that. Still makes me chuckle to this day. What’s yours?
My daughter didnt know what an inside joke was. After I explained it to her, she then announces an outside joke must be "knock knock...."
It was the right triangle.
She did not hold Up well.
Who’s flying this thing?!
"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!"
I've never been so proud.
When Vader is force choking Orson Krennic and says, “Don’t choke on your ambitions.”
My son looked at my and said, “Ha Ha! Dad joke!”
So proud.
It’s remarkable.
Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today.
Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold
And that was a year ago, yet I'm sti
Last Christmas, I gave Yamaha. But the very next day, U gave it a weigh.
Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.
So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.
He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.
As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.
She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.
This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.
When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.
This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.
The two couldn't be happier!
They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.
One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.
She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.
She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.
A shallot, if you will.
A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.
They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.
The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.
Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.
Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.
He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.
One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.
The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.
She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to
... keep reading on reddit ➡I said to her after reading a reddit fact: do you know what a group of leemurs is called?
A conspiracy
My wife: do you know what a group of crows is called?
A murder.
10 year old from upstairs:
Do you know what a group of cars is called?
Traffic.
My wife fell out. I posted with full dad pride.
The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
So I told her 40.
Because he felt crummy.
An askhole.
I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.
I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.
We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.
I consider him my reel dad.
Happy bEarthday!
It's like, come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision
I think he's going through a midlife crisis.
So I killed someone and the judge gave me TEN years!
It was no small feat!
An askhole.
I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.
I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.
We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.
