In a world where people with superpowers make up 1% of the world population, people with two make up 1% of that 1%. These people born with two superhuman abilities are called squares.

Squares are raised to a second power.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guru9224
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
There are 2 types of people in this world: 1: People who can extrapolate information based off of incomplete data

2:

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emination_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
World Leaders, pt. 1
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple on 60 years met a genie and they got 1 wish each The wife wished she’d travel the world so she did. The husband wanted a 30 years younger wife

So he became 90

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ILoveCake10
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the #1 game in the world?

Uno

πŸ‘︎ 150
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfy621
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Son: Dad, did you know that 1 out of 5 children in the world still face hunger?

Dad: Why isn’t anybody turning the 5th kid around?

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Russian, British, and French soldiers fought together in world war 1. Their whole life was ally.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devmittal_civ16
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I think there are about 1-2 million baseball fields in the world...

...but that's just a ballpark number.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2016
🚨︎ report
So what if I can't spell apocalipse"?

It's not like it's the end of the world.

πŸ‘︎ 357
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Enrage
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
If the Earth is the third planet from the Sun...

...does that mean that every country is a third-world country?

πŸ‘︎ 164
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaleoGamer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phrresehelp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeastπŸ™πŸ»β€οΈ

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iLoveRaviolis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!

UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🀩

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whoopass_voice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My favourite possession is my globe...

It means the world to me.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you put a gun in it's place?

You tell it that the world does not revolver- round you.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Last time I was in Paris...

...I went up to a newsstand that wasn't doing much business and asked the proprietor for a copy of Le Monde. I knew it would mean the world to him.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/President_Calhoun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between going out with a Geologist and a Geographer?

One rocks, the other will give you the world.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M0NSTER4242
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I was walking down the street and ran into the guy who once sold me an antique globe.

It’s a small world.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
It is TIME!

Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!!!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeeErvin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
If they launched a lot of cattle into orbit.

If they launched a lot of cattle into orbit.

It would be the herd shot ’round the world.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreyDeck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Space X is planning to send a bunch of cattle into orbit.

It will be the herd shot 'round the world.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OccamsBeard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth."

That meant the world to me.

πŸ‘︎ 140
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bombsaway1083
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Michael Jackson's favorite tank

"Hey Michael Jackson, what's your favorite Japanese tank of World War II?"

"The Chi-HE-HEE!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesusofbullets
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
The doctor today told me I had kidney stones.

It really rocked my world.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Der-Kommissar-III
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
[an actual conversation I had with my beer loving father]

Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"

Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."

Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"

Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."

Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"

Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."

πŸ‘︎ 458
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yupitsnoone
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Dog 1 - Woof Woof. Dog 2 - Woof Woof. Dog 3 - Moo Moo.

Dog 2 - What in the world is Moo Moo? Dog 3 - I'm learning a foreign language!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Genius_Psycho
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
People act like the North and South poles are exactly the same

...but really, there’s a whole world of differences between them.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrindoc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the hungry rabbit so mellow?

Because he didn't have a carrot in the world

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jedi_Lucky
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?

They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magnebuda
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people....

......make up 75% of the world's population.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I have an antique globe that belonged to my great-great-grandfather.

It meant the world to him.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw my nephew browsing some weird porn

What's the world coming to?

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My mum is terrified of rodents. The other day she saw a mouse and immediately pulled a knife on it.

"Mum!!! You're going to get us kicked out of Disney world. "

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I gave my french girlfriend a pendant with "le monde" carved in.

It means the world to her.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the world are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

πŸ‘︎ 174
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My first official dad joke!!!

So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim β€œhey (son’s name) you’re really rockin’ β€˜n’ rollin’ now.” My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.

πŸ‘︎ 539
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πŸ‘€︎ u/do_it-to_it
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a French dominatrix say as she whacks you with a baguette?

Welcome.. to the world of le pain!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alterom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Insects are also punny imgur.com/AuxxWhH
πŸ‘︎ 215
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lord_voldything
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2014
🚨︎ report
There are two types of people in this world. 1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OfficeBadger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Son:Hey dad do you know about world war 1

Dad:Of course I know about it. It was revolutionary

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapturiousCancer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Russian, British, and French soldiers fought together in world war 1. Their whole life was ally.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devmittal_civ16
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
So what if I can't spell armageddon?

It's not the end of the world.

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EddieGrant
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report

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