What kind of milk would you put on your forehead?
I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."
"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
What do you call a whale with a ball on it’s forehead?
I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work.
She said how do you know he was headed to work?
originally posted on r/tumblr by u/MaetelofLaMetal
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
so I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly.
History has shown that during the Cold War, the US warheads feared a Soviet nuclear strike
Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.
You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"
They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.
Emphasis on laundry rotation
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
Whenever my artistic girlfriend is sad, I let her draw things on my body....
I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
I spent my entire life savings on pasta.
It was worth every penne.
There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..
..they make me feel even number.
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.
Thats how i lost my job as a bus driver
My dad wanted to post something on Reddit and I told him there’s specific subs he would want to post on and certain ways to post
And he responded “oh so there’s reddiquette to it then”
(Also he’s on Reddit now so if he sees this then hi dad)
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
The police arrested a dog for giving birth on the street.
I saw male wigs on sale for $1
It’s a small price toupee
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega-3 and it hit my forehead
I have super fish oil injuries.
A lot of the jokes on this sub are just terrible, but at the end of the day...
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists launch sneak attack on the periodic table.....
Add the element of surprise.
saw a girl with a tattoo of a tree on her breast, seems like it would be painful...
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack
She doesn’t know it yet, but her thyme’s cumin
Why you should knock on fridge before opening it?
Because there could be a salad dressing.
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
Told my gf she was drawing her eyebrows too high on her forehead...
I forgot to post this on Pi Day. Oh well! The Argyle Sweater for 3/14/21
I overdosed on viagra the other day
It was the hardest day of my life
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
Found this on r/technicallythetruth
My friend broke his leg, so I wrote, "You're stupid " on his cast.
I was adding insult to injury
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
One time I posted 10 jokes in a row, hoping at least one would make Dads laugh on r/dadjokes
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
This ice truck on my way to work.
Dad caught me chewing on my clothes.. he asked me..
are you on a pant based diet?
When I used to be a wrestler, I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead.
It was my signature move.
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It's pasteurized before you even see it.
When you have to choose between between going out with your ex again or have a growth on your forehead, what is that choice called?
It's a bit embarrassing to admit on here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street Mimes..
..and they did some unspeakable things to me.
I called my wife and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home.
She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.
Seen on r/whatisthisthing
Misunderstanding on purpose
My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" 🙂).
So every now and then this will happen:
Child : Can I get an app?
Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.
Child: no, an APP
Me: yes, lie DOWN
Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.
Me: or an early night?
Child: weary sigh
Me: you do look tired
- thinking I'm the best joker in history*
That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.
The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.
'My wife is on a plane to Illinois.'
'Chicago?'
'Nah, she passenger.'
My wife caught glitter on my forehead.
My oldest asked me why I needed glitter at the office?
I told him because I wanted to be flashy.
The look his mom gave me was jackpot.
I told my niece that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
She said, "How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”
My mate broke his leg, so I wrote "You are stupid" on his cast.
I was just adding insult to injury.
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