I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.

Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Riverrat423
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2021
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What are the walls on a house of cards made of?

Cardboard.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DumelDuma
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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Went to my date’s house after dinner last night and saw she had a Soviet flag covering the entire wall

I knew that was a big red flag

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smoothmcdoodles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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When I was renovating my house, I found a secret stash hidden in the walls.

Someone drew a mustache on the wall behind the wall paper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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In a one story house the walls are blue, the chairs are blue, the floor is blue, the lights are blue, the living room is blue, the bedrooms are blue, the kitchen is blue, even the air has a blueish tint. What color are the stairs?

The house is ONE STORY it has no stairs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RICK-THE-STICk3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Dad visiting our new house for the first time and sees our wall clock.

Dad: When do you think you'll be able to afford the rest of it? http://imgur.com/HPhjfBt

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kampofire
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2014
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Ask Painter Bob

A lady at work asked if I painted on the side.

I told her that I paint on the side all the time. I paint the sides of walls, the sides of houses...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Astrochix70
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2022
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I got hired to paint someone’s home.

I charged for the labor but not the paint. The homeowner said, β€œwhy didn’t you charge for the paint?” I said, β€œdon’t worry about the paint. It’s on the house.”

πŸ‘︎ 828
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saydizzle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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My 17yo niece fell victim to my 32yo dad/uncle humor.

So my mom, my oldest sister, and her daughter where at mine and my wife’s house for the weekend.

After having all the lights out so my wife and niece could play with a Ouija board, my niece wanted to make a cup of hot cocoa in the kitchen but she could find the light switch. The following exchange occurred...

Niece: Where is the light in the kitchen? Me: On the ceiling. Niece: Ok, but how do you turn it on? Me: With a light switch. Niece: Where is the light switch? Me: On the wall. Niece: Which wall? Me: The one with the switch.

She’s a good sport tho. We where laughing, she was grinning but definitely done with my uncle shit.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HunterShotBear
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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My girlfriend was sad and I made it worse

A couple weeks ago we went to the oddball comedyfest show and after it was over we took the train back to my house.

Had picked up some drinks on the way back and are waiting in the train station.

My girlfriend said "Oh my god this is so depressing that the show is over!"

I put my Sprite against the wall with some force and held it there and said

"No this is soda pressing"

Groans

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnMcNutInMyButt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2014
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House Fire

When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied β€œI’m an extractor fan”.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpecialBKay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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I caught my stepfather in the act last week.

My stepfather and mother have been doing some remodeling in their first house to get it ready to put on the market, so they are fixing up some things, and I was giving them a hand. As we were working we had the radio playing.

My mother notices a light switch on the wall in the bedroom that isn't working quite right. She says, "Honey I think there's something wrong with the light switch."

To which my stepfather replies, "What's wrong with it?"

My mother says, "It's making a weird noise. I think it's humming. Why is the light switch humming?"

My stepfather says, "That's probably because it doesn't know the words."

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sennius
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
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Can anyone recommend a builder?

I’ve been looking to get some masonry work done on a garden boundary outside my house, but the last builder I used ripped me off. He turned up with Pink Floyd blasting on his radio, laid one stone and then left, and he hasn’t been seen since.

I’m a bit disappointed by it, but all in all it’s just another brick in the wall...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hufc1908
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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Computer Puns

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.


Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.


A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.


If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.


There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.


In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?


Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.


Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.


Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.


An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks β€œmay I join you?”


Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.


Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.


I named my hard drive β€œdat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to β€˜back dat ass up’.


I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.


I changed my password to β€œincorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say β€œYour password is incorrect”.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.


Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.


I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.


A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.


Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2017
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Fiance got me good yesterday after work

So I am building a stone retaining wall at my house after work yesterday. Been at it for about an hour and a half before my fiance gets home from her job. She stops on the porch, looks at me, and just says, 'You Rockstar!' I couldn't help but smile. PS, I then had to tell her about this subreddit...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hatchety
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2015
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A visitor at my job nailed me with this one

I work in a historic house all decorated for the holidays. Visitor comes in: "Can we take pictures here?" Me: "Yes, just no flash." Visitor: "But we can take pictures right?" Me: "Yes....." Visitor points at the wall. "I want that one."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2014
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Dad's encounter with cat

My dad was a carpenter and would start to tell me a story in such an honest way I thought for sure he was serious;

"Ya know, this one time we were building this house, and this damn cat kept coming in and bothering us all day. So my buddy Jimmy put some gas in a cap and the cat drank the whole thing... Suddenly, it jumped up and ripped all over the room bouncing off walls and crashing into everything. Then, it just fell over....."

waits for you to say

"Did it die?"

"Nope. Ran outta gas."

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mofo34
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2015
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Paul Ryan Puns

Paul Ryan is running for president. But after this, he'll be Paul Cryan.

His favorite color is Paul Cyan

He is Paul Tryan to become president

This post will make him Paul Diean

He read history about the Paul Mayan

On a plane, he is Paul Flyan

In Russia, he is Paul Spyan

He goes to the Maul Ryan

To go Paul Buyan

His favorite spice is Paul Cayenne

When he stares, heis Paul Eyean

For breakfast, he is Paul Fryan

On stilts, he is Paul Giant

When in trouble, he starts Paul Liean

When he watches memes, he is Lol Ryan.

His favorite is Paul Nyan

For dessert, he has Paul Piean

At this point, Im Paul Sighan

When he has rope, he is Paul Tiean

When curious, he is Paul Whyan

Or Paul Pryan

His new game is Ball Ryan

On the phone, he is Call Ryan

His daughter plays with Doll Ryan

When he trips, he is Fall Ryan

His house is the Ryan Hall

Again on stilts, he is Tall Ryan

His house has a Wall Ryan

Down south, you are Yall Ryan

When he makes bread, it is Paul Rysan

On a horse, he is Paul Ridan

In a fight, he is Brawl Ryan

When he loses he is Crawl Ryan

Or dead

When moving he uses a U-Haul Ryan

In the bathroom, he is Stall Ryan

I had a list with A LOT more. Help in diese comments!

EDIT: If he wins the election, he's Mr. President

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Davidhasahead
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2015
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Me and my girlfriend walking beside a concrete wall

We were on a holiday in Spain and we saw a concrete wall guarding a yard at someone's house. On top of the wall the owner had clued broken bottles in stead of barbed wire.

Me and my girlfriend were shocked and I said "I can't believe someone would do this."

"I Just can't get over this..."

she didn't realise until I said

"it would just hurt me too much."

Proud moment...

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/larusthor
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2016
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My mum's dadjoke

My parents are currently in the process of selling their house. Mum has been tidying a lot because potential buyers have been coming through to have a look.
On a recent visit, I noticed that some wall pictures which had been hanging in the same places for years had been replaced by mirrors. I asked Mum about this:
Me: What happened to all the pictures?
Mum: I had to put them away
Me: Well what's with all the mirrors then?
Mum: I want people to be able to see themselves in this house

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blunkoet
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
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My dad ringing a friend:

Dad (it appears the friend's son answered): Hello, this is mister Wallbanger, is Mr Wall there?
Child on phone (probably): Uh, no?
Dad: Is Mrs Wall there?
Kid: No?
Dad: Are there any Walls there?
Kid: No??
Dad: Then what's holding up your house?

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lojak_Yrqbam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
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A Christmas joke

Dad: Who has a square house with four south-facing walls?

Teenaged Son: Come on dad, you've told me this before, it's Santa Claus.

Dad: Nope, he's fake. We do. The living room, kitchen, master bedroom, and guest bedroom all have south facing walls.

Teenaged Son: [groan]

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cuginhamer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2015
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Today I think I became my dad.

> Having holes drilled into house for insulation

> Standing outside with Dad watching workmen do their thing

"Is our house a church now?" I ask.

> Strange look from Dad and other workmen

"Seems like we have... hol(e)y walls!"

> Cue me standing there, grinning like I'm Jimmy Carr, Dad facepalming.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrCodeSmith
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2014
🚨︎ report
Landlord gave a good one

While fixing a hose at my house, the landlord said, "In order to keep water from running on the wall, you need a shower curtain on the back to...CURTail any leakage."

We both mentally high fived each other, as his wife rolled her eyes.

Ninja Edit: We have an old style tub.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pro_magnum
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2015
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Old house renovations.

My dad and I were working on a 150+ year old house recently.

We go to fill the outer walls of one room with insulation, and while cutting out holes in the tops of them we smell something funny. Rats had made a single section of one wall the dedicated toilet. Without missing a beat my dad says "That's some shitty insulation."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackCloudie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2015
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My wife was in it today.

My niece made a gingerbread house yesterday, and my mom got drunk and accidentally broke it last night. Me, my dad and my wife were rebuilding it just now. My wife his holding up a couple walls while my dad is applying the frosting to hold them together.

Dad: how you doing Katie? Wife: fine, I'm holding up....

Pretty good wife, pretty good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seethesvt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
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Parents came over today

Bought a new house with plaster walls, mentioned I needed a stud finder to hang pictures.

Parents come over today to see grandchild and my mom looks at my dad and asks did you bring the stud finder?

My dad immediately responds "Why would I need too, I'm here aren't I?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkendvoid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked by my step dad

My step dad and my mom were going to go on a motorcycle ride since he got it working today, and he yelled up the stairs to tell me.

Him: Hey, your mom and I are going on a bike ride!

Me: Okay.

Him: Your mom also said that there is Michellena's in the freezer (Michellena's is a really fucking cheap frozen dinner thing).

Me: Okay, thanks!

Him: Maybe you should let her out!

The house got really quiet and all you could hear was my sigh echoing off the walls.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/floodimoo123
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2014
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"The walls are so thin..

My Dad said to me a while ago.. "The walls are so thin at my house, I can hear the neighbours changing their minds!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/willybroadband
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
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