He goes to the librarian and says, "Ma'am, I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare."The librarian says, "Sure, hon. Which one?"The idiot says, "William".
He responded, "No, I'm German. And how did you know my name was Walter?"
Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.
|cult - religion|
One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow. The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack.
They are quickly captured and a great feast is prepared. The first course is the all time medals leader and the chief says “Oh, Alyson Felix, so well seasoned.” The second course follows with the 400 hurdles world record holder and the chief says “Sydney McLaughlin, delicious!” But when the 800 meter champion is served for the third course, the chief says “Oh no, thank you. I’m stuffed. I couldn’t possibly eat Athing Mu.”
It was ostrich-sized.
He couldn't see that well.
Didn’t go down well.
Things have finally come full circle.
I sometimes go to the “Idiot of the Year” event in our prairie town, where each year hundreds of people from the town and nearby villages gather in the community hall for jokes and a guessing game. It starts with various people coming on stage to tell bad jokes, and finishes with the guessing game, which involves the master of ceremonies pulling a blanket off a mystery object on stage. The first person to name the object gets the “Idiot of the Year” trophy, which is an old shoe nailed to a block of wood. Three years ago, the object was an old bicycle, and Melvin Sneeter, who works in the local hardware store, was the first to yell out “bicycle”. Two years ago, Cynthia Frizzle, a housewife from the nearby town of Spuzzum, was correct with “tricycle”. And last year, the object was a bit more difficult, so the trophy wasn't awarded, because nobody knew the name of that one-wheeled contraption that you must balance and pedal.
So a long time ago, there was a tribe of people living in the jungle. They were ruled by a cruel and terrible king who lived the high life in a large and sturdy structure he called his palace, while his subjects had to hobble together homes out of grass and straw. The king would also frequently demand tribute, forcing his people to bring him offerings of food, to the point where some people were outright starving.
One day, a group of insurgents had had enough. They snuck into the kings palace at night, knocked out the guards, and stole the kings glamorous throne. They brought the throne back to their hut, and stowed it under a tarp.
When the king awoke the next morning, to say he was angry would be an understatement. He ordered his guards to search the village until they found the throne, and to kill the insurgents who would dare humiliate him.
The insurgents panicked when the guards showed up. The tarp was removed, and there was the throne. Rather than risk the thieves escaping, the king ordered his guards to torch the hut, destroying it, the throne, and the insurgents all at once.
It just goes to show; people in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
Well, shit!
I wish you well
Elf Defence
Don’t run away, I want to show you how much I lava you!
Because no one believed in him.
He was carrying a massive stick so I said to him "Are you a pole vaulter?" to which he replied "No, I'm a German. How did you know my name was Walter?"
Joke shamelessly stolen from u/tunafriendlydolphin ♡
He used a Berk-in bag.
This is clearly low effort; I do hope it’s original, though.
As he began his daily routine of preparing to bake countless loaves of bread, he quickly realized there was no knead.
But the government didn't give a DAM !!
A navi-gator
It's getting two tired seeing all these reposts
Sting told me to stop bothering him.
"Sorry for the sickness. Get well soon" - I said to them
Only ewes can prevent florist friars.
He rushes into the village to the church and shouts my cows are frozen can anyone help? A little old lady stands up and says I'll help you son. She walks up with him to the field and walks around the cows touching them one at a time. The cows defrost one at a time as she touches them. By now a crowd has gathered. The little old women walks away. The man is standing dumbfounded. He exclaims what just happened. Somebody from the crowd shouts do you not know that's Thora Herd.
Some monks came down to a small village in need of carpentry. They offered to replace all the wooden pillars and support beams in all the buildings by themselves. When the villagers asked why they were being so generous, the head monk simply replied "Isn't it obvious? We're reposting for karma."
Long ago there was a village under the sea. In that village lived a collection of fish, lot's of different kinds, along with Ted the strong octopus, and they all lived happily. Near the village, there was a cave whose entrance was blocked by a large stone, and above it, there was an inscription saying “When real danger arrives, open the cave, and you will all be saved”.
One day the village was attacked by a shoal of piranhas. The fish rush to the cave and try to push the boulder aside, but it is too large for them, so they go to Ted the strong octopus to ask for help, but Ted says “No, this danger is not big enough for us to need the cave, we will be fine without it.”. The fish begged and argued, but there was no convincing Ted, so they had to fight the piranhas without whatever was in the cave, and against all odds, they managed to defeat them with minimal losses, and all agreed that Ted was right.
After a fair bit of time, the village was attacked again by a bed of moray eels. Again the fish rushed to the cave to try to push the boulder aside, and again they failed, for it was too large for them, so they rush to Ted to ask for help. “No,” Ted said again “this danger is not as big as you think it is. We will manage just fine without the contents of the cave. Leave that for a bigger threat.”. And so the fish asked and begged, Ted, told them that all 8 of his hands were tied, he wouldn't help with moving the boulder, so they ended up fighting the morays, and to everyone's surprise, they actually managed to save the village. All again reluctantly agreed that although a deus ex machina would have been good, they didn't end up needing one.
Time passed and life was normal in the village until a Shiver of Sharks was spotted in the distance. Everyone panicked, and, knowing that they couldn't move the boulder alone, they rushed to Ted. “Again, the danger is not big enough, we will survive,” said Ted, and no matter what they did they couldn't change his mind, so they all rushed to the boulder in a desperate attempt to move it. As they were giving up, a very old fish that everyone trusted said “Do not worry, for Ted is wise, and he knows when the danger is real, and he knows when to use the contents of the cave. Have faith that if he says we will be fine, we will survive this, and when octopush comes to shove, the cave will open.”.
Nacho, nacho plan... they've gotta make a nacho plan.
I’m really not sure how effective they are, seems as if they are a shot in the dark.
...the deep ones are also called the many-anglered ones, after all ;)
Because Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. He can seldom close his eyes without opening them again at fear of Charlies lurking in the jungle trees. Not that you could ever see the bastards, mind you. They were swift, and they knew their way around the jungle like nothing else. He remembers the looks on the boys' faces as he walked into that village and... oh, Jesus. The memories seldom left him, either. Sometimes he'd reminisce - even hear - Tex's southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes like nothing else. He always kept a pack of Lucky's with him. The boys are gone, now. He knows that; it's just that he forgets, sometimes. And, every now and then, the way that seven looks at him with avid concern in his eyes... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. Makes him feel like he's back there... in the jungle.
Remains to be seen
"It takes a village."
After failing to win for about 9 times in a row, Jaime, hired a spy who will go and check Jack's harvest the night before the contest so he can harvest more. As the spy came back the night before, he informed the farmer Jaime about the amount that he saw inside Jack's yard but he was not able to tell the amount in exact. Jaime took the spy to his paddy field, gave him some extra money than what they initially agreed upon and said...
"You reap what you saw".
Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the astronaut decided to approach them and make first contact. Upon speaking to them, he found that they called themselves the Jibbles.
The astronaut lived amongst the Jibbles for many years and found that they used a unique series of toe rings as currency. Unable to pronounce their word for the currency, he called them ToeKins, chuckling to himself at his pun.
As the years went by, the astronaut learned of a war-like race of Jibbles. They came to his village and raided their supplies. They beat up several of the sweet Jibbles, and they threatened the astronaut. Months of this had the sweet Jibbles exhausted, and the astronaut hatched a plan.
Taking all the gear from his spaceship, he snuck away to the mean Jibbles camp in the night. He met with their leader and offered him his wealth in order to buy a peace between their villages. Seeing the array of technology the astronaut had brought, the chief agreed to his terms. The astronaut asked for a sign of good faith he could show his village when he returned. So the chief removed one of his toe rings, took a knife, and sketched a crude picture of a jibble and the astronaut holding hands. This he gave to the astronaut.
Returning home, the astronaut declared that there was now peace amongst their villages! The Jibbles drank and made merry and everyone wanted to see the gift from the other tribe. Late that night, when everyone had gone to sleep drunk, the mean Jibbles snuck into camp and killed them all. Turning over the astronauts corpse, they found they couldn't remove the ring from his hand.
And that's why you shouldn't trust non-fun-Jibble-toekins.
Worcestershire
A number of years ago, we moved to Allston, Massachusetts, the world capital of hipsters. You know, hipsters, the folk who wouldn't be caught dead doing, wearing or listening to something conventional.
Allston is separated in two by Massachusetts Turnpike, a major interstate highway. To the south is Allston Village, to the north is Lower Allston. There's a bridge across the Pike, connecting the two.
After a year, I realized that the hipsters tend to inhabit Allston Village and rarely show up in Lower Allston.
After two years, I figured that it was the bridge that they couldn't cross.
After three years, it finally dawned on me why hipsters couldn't cross the Mass Pike.
Do you care to know why hipsters can't cross the Mass Pike?
Do you?
I'll tell you.
It's too mainstream.
